Test Tube Babies

It's funny how fast I feel guilty for writing a negative post like my last one. Truth is, I am very blessed and don't have a lot of room to complain. I live a good life (FAR from perfect but good)- My husband is a professional network marketer. He is really good at what he does. It has allowed him and I to be semi retired at this point. Basically we travel together and do meetings for groups of really cool people. And we make sure to always have fun wherever we go. It makes life busy but fun. Jonny is home to raise Deklan and I can't imagine it any other way now.

I have realized that with infertility you have good days and bad days like anything else. Bad days I hate all pregnant women and assume they have no problems in the universe (obviously not true) Simply because they had a cute round belly, or a sweet tiny baby in a stroller their life MUST be easier than mine. Those are the days I refuse to go to a baby shower because it just made me angry. What I learned after having Deklan is that I couldn't have been more wrong. Every journey is a hard one. Its full of hardships, setbacks, and obstacles that feel impossible. Those feelings seep in every now and again but truthfully they are usually under control. Having a crazy little toddler running around has made me understand that motherhood is amazing but it's hard work.

When my hormones DO get the best of me they remind me that I get to make babies the difficult way. When I say difficult I mean- legs up in stirrups in a white, quiet not to mention COLD room and a full bladder. All I can say is that I am GRATEFUL for modern medicine because without it we wouldn't have our son. I am reading a book right now on infertility from the famous Cindy Margolis, who had to do in vitro back when it wasn't necessarily accepted. It got me thinking to when I learned about this process back in highschool. Funny thing is I was always fascinated with ANYTHING about babies. I actually wrote a report about "test tube" babies and whether or not it was a moral thing to do. Little did I know that this would be MY method of getting pregnant. I would love to find what I wrote then and I am pretty sure it was a two sided paper.I had no clue what I was talking about then...but I do now.

While LOVE making (intimacy wise) is NOT how an in vitro baby is made- these babies are made with MORE LOVE  than one could imagine. It's a lot of work from BOTH partners equally, a lot of emotions, and a lot of hope. The one thing I know for sure is that these babies are still sent straight from heaven and are meant to go to certain families. Deklan is ours and to me is just like any other baby. I don't delete my negative posts because they are real. I try to be transparent and always will be. Plus it's a good reminder later on for me to see ALL of how I felt. The good, the bad, and the ugly :) Tonight I feel grateful.

Gosh Darn PCOS

Holy cow is every person out there right now pregnant? Or maybe a baby is just the only thing on my mind as of late. I'm focusing on it. In terms of my nerves it's never a good thing to focus on one thing that hard. Especially something out of my control.


I prayed to not have any of the jealous feelings come back- but they are. I try to just ignore the problem but the truth is that I can't get pregnant the normal way. it's not happening. I decided to do some research on PCOS being that it's been a few years and maybe just maybe there was some new treatment out there for me. Reading all of the symptoms and what it can cause later on in life just had me fuming. I can't help but get angry that my body doesn't work. I TRY so hard to remember that it could be much worse, and there are so many people out there with worse problems- but it's still hard. 

I thought maybe this could be easy this time. My imagination still wishes I could magically take a test with two lines, and find some exciting way to share the news with my husband and then family. I guess the whole- heading back to a Dr.s office where a microscope is put straight on my woman parts is not ideal.

My symptoms of PCOS are back in full force right now for some reason...a nice massive large cyst on my left ovary that hurts all the time. What I am realizing is that my body is out of wack right now and needs some attention. As much as I want to rush into the Dr.s office for baby #2 RIGHT NOW, I need to nourish my body and soul to move forward. That and I am still stuck waiting on an insurance situation. While I wait (fingers crossed its soon) I am going to try to workout and eat better (UGH) I know I need to and have been avoiding it. Sorry for the unload of negative feelings. Gotta get them out somewhere. 

And on a positive note- Deklan is my bright spot in life no matter what. :) He just turned TWO and is the sweetest boy ever. If ALL else fails I do feel blessed to have this perfect little man around. We just got back from our ten year anniversary trip to Europe and here are some of the photos :)

Tips for Surviving Infertility

As I was trying to give my sister some advice it got me thinking back to my feelings of the beginning of infertility. I was thinking WHAT could I say to myself back then that could possibly be helpful with the knowledge I have now. So I came up with a few tips that I WISH someone would have explained to me when I was truly in the thick of it all. If I could even help one person out there with ONE of these tips then it would be worth taking the time to write it. When doing some research I found a blog post that wrote JUST what I was looking for. HERE is the original post I found - I am
 just adding to it some of my thoughts and experience.

1. Do your homework

I didn’t realize how little I knew about fertility until I was faced with infertility. You may know the basics of the birds-and-bees, but do you really understand the finer points of reproduction? Do you know what fertility treatments actually involve? There are so many fabulous resources.I can't tell you the amount of hours I spent doing research online. The more educated I was the more in tune with my body I felt. I suggest you start by seeking out a few credible, trustworthy resources and learn as much as you can. Some of my favorites are:

• Resolve: The National Infertility Association (website)
• Taking Charge of Your Infertility by Toni Weschler (book) 
• The Infertility Companion: Hope & Help for Couples Facing Infertility by Sandra L. Glahn (book)
• National Library of Medicine: Infertility (website)  
• 
  

2. Seek out community

Infertility is more common that we think, but it can still be difficult to find others in your life who are willing to openly discuss it. You must be intentional about getting to know other people who have experienced it. If you don’t know of anyone in your “real life,” the internet is full of wonderful infertility communities. Do a Google search for “Infertility blogs” or “infertility forums” and you’ll find many wonderful sites. Or, check out some of the blogs of the wonderful women (and a few men!) who leave comments on my site. I have met some AMAZING friends online. Now that I know these women so well it feels strange I met them through my blog. This is the one thing in the beginning I WISH I would have had and didn't. Having a place to truly vent to people who understood was the best therapy for me. If you don't feel comfortable make up a name and start a blog- you don't have to use your true identity...in fact a lot of people don't and that's okay. The most important thing is to connect. 



3. Be patient with yourself

As cliche as it sounds, infertility is a journey. We don’t know how our infertility will be resolved, and we don’t know how long it will take. For some people, a few pills fix everything; others face years of IVF, surrogacy, or adoption. It’s easier said than done, but try be patient with the process and patient with yourself. It's okay to feel sad or have an off day. Give yourself credit and know that you are doing your best. I know I went through phases where moments I was angry and bitter and others I was sad and depressed and had no where to turn. Own those feelings and find ways to move forward. 



4. Try not to let it define you

Remember, you are going through the experience of infertility. You may be currently infertile in the sense that you cannot bear children, but the situation may only be temporary. And even if you never give birth, you are not an infertile being. You still have the ability to be fruitful in other areas of your life: your career, your marriage, your relationships, your faith, or your creative pursuits. Take this time to get to know yourself. Everyone does this differently.

 For me I had what I called a "self care" box. I still use this today when it's needed. On one of my better days I wrote a letter to myself reminding me that I'm going to get through this. I'm strong, I'm important, and beautiful. This may sound cheesy but on my lowest days these affirmations helped. In this "box" I had the letter, a put in there bubble bath stuff, stuff for a facial, a yummy recipe I wanted to try, scrapbooking stuff, cleaning supplies, scriptures, a good book, a funny movie, and ANYTHING I could think of that would help pull me out of a funk. I would do one or maybe ALL of these things to help make me feel better. 
SWEAR this helped! DO IT!!!



5. Improve your health

If you’re struggling with infertility, you’re likely spending lots of money and time trying to conceive. Make sure that investment isn’t going to waste and get yourself into the best physical shape you can. This doesn’t mean you need to start going to the gym every day if you haven’t been going at all. You don’t have to go vegan and eat only raw veggies. But take some common-sense steps to improve your health (which may also help you improve your emotions). Some simple ideas are limiting your caffeine and alcohol intake (if you drink), making sure you get enough sleep, cutting back on processed foods, and things like that. I know that this can be overwhelming and LOTS of work, but getting in shape and eating right (at least the basics) not only helps your body and mind prepare for pregnancy- it also get's your dopamine levels up and helps you to be happy. :) Again though remembering to ENJOY life and create balance. None of these things should be your only focus. The whole point of this post is to ENJOY the journey to the best of your ability.

 (A side note on this topic:  I never really tried yoga but have heard that has helped lots of girls with releasing bad energy and feelings- some have even said meditation is worth a try. I might give it a go this time around and let you know how it goes)



6. Don’t deprive yourself

Adding to my last comment. Be careful not to deny yourself pleasure or enjoyment in the name of improving your health. Have a piece of dark chocolate after a healthy dinner. Have a piece of pizza and follow it with a salad and an apple. Infertility it hard enough on its own; don’t make it worse by cutting out the things you enjoy. I remember for YEARS I wouldn't go in the Jacuzzi in fear that I "could" be pregnant. It literally drove me crazy to always live in fear I was going to screw things up. I'm here to tell you that doesn't work. You need to take care of yourself by ENJOYING what you can of your life. Out of all these tips this is the one I wish I could have told myself years ago. Every person dealing with infertility hates to hear it. Being calm won't make you get pregnant...but it will help you enjoy the time you are waiting a lot more. The one thing I hate ALMOST as bad as infertility- is the years that it stole from my life. Don't let that happen to you! Trust me it's not worth it. 



7. Don’t let others tell you how to feel

One of the most frustrating things about infertility is that people will often tell you how to feel. “Don’t worry about it. It’ll happen if it’s supposed to.” Or, “Don’t be too upset about your miscarriage. It was so early and it happens to a lot of people.” As well-intentioned as those comments may be, they hurt and they’re not helpful. It’s not necessary to respond rudely to those kinds of comments, but don’t take them to heart. Your experience is valid and your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone tell you how or how long you should grieve.  



8. Cultivate other interests.

Infertility has the potential to be all-consuming, so try to develop some outside interests. Your hobbies can provide a healthy distraction and keep you from becoming too focused on your struggles. Read books, take up painting, watch an entire TV series on Netflix, learn a foreign language- just do something!



9. Nurture your relationship with your significant other

Infertility will either bring you closer together or put significant strain on your relationship. Do everything you can do nurture your relationship. Recognize that each of you may process the experience and express your emotions differently. Be intentional about spending time together and doing the things you enjoyed before you started trying to conceive. After all is said and done your husband will always be your best friend if you allow it. 



10. Get professional help if you’re struggling

None of this is easy. Each of these ten commandments can be intensely difficult and it’s not good to do it alone. Don’t be afraid to find help from a therapist, counselor, or clergy member. Find someone else to talk to if they tell you “Just relax.” Ask your doctor or friends for referrals, and ask about sliding scale fees if finances are an issue. I am not afraid to say that my husband and I spent a lot of hours in counseling both as a couple and separately to help us to work through this together. To this day the tips and tools we learned are priceless. Don't be ashamed to get help. 



I would LOVE to hear if this was helpful. Also I would love to hear what has helped you out during the most difficult of times. Or for those that have dealt with this for a long time- what would you say to yourself in the beginning of all this if you could now with your experience? This is a lifelong journey for so many of us. Writing these has helped me to reevaluate what I can do today to help enjoy my time while I work on baby number two. :) 

Hopefully this doesn't come across as - DO THIS and you will get pregnant too...or DON'T DO THIS or nothing you try will work. Truth is- every journey is different- and I had to learn a lot of this on my own the hard way to gain experience. Hopefully one or two of these though are helpful to some of you over time. 

An infertile WITH a baby.

Last week my family and I were lucky enough to spend the whole week at Disney world together. Holy crazy toddler though the flights there and back with Deklan were MISERABLE to say the least. Our flight got cancelled which led to a redeye flight. Deklan NOT sleeping on an overnight flight was crazy town. Any tips of flying with toddlers would be helpful at this point. The hard thing is that he flies with us a lot. And EVERY time is a different experience with him. Some better than others obviously. 

On another note while I was on this trip I was getting texts from my baby sister who is also trying to pregnant right now. My dream would be for us to both be pregnant together but unfortunately her and I BOTH are dealing with infertility right now. I've said it before and I'll say it again- dealing with infertility is the hardest trial I have had to deal with in life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Honestly. Feeling like your body is failing you hurts A LOT. It makes you feel isolated. Crazy fact I learned though...apparently 2 % of ALL babies now are IN VITRO babies!!! Can you believe it? Is it me or is it more common now that people are struggling? I hate this. On one hand you don't feel so alone and on the other you hate for anyone to feel that same type of hurt you have been through. I feel like a whole new strange catergorie now though. Yes I am still infertile. Yes I WAS truly blessed with my miracle baby but I STILL had to do invitro to get there. And I have been dealing with infertility since. I HATE that my baby sister is having to go through this now. She has been married almost two years...not long. But hasn't really ever been on any birth control. She has been deathly afraid of dealing with this issue and now here she is right at the beginning of it. It brings up so many emotions to think of the beginning of my process. How alone I felt. I didn't have a blog and I had NO IDEA anyone else was dealing with this same issue. I had no one to talk to. And I felt like people thought I was just an angry person...because I was. I'm grateful that I have never ever gone back to feeling that low as I did in the beginning. Deklan has changed my life forever but also THIS community of women has done that as well. I KNOW how to deal with my feelings now. I DO get a twinge of jealousy as others announce their pregnancy- but I can be happy for them as well. My goal in writing is to continue to reach out to others in this hard spot. There IS hope. Unfortunately not every person brings home a baby. Or maybe it's be doing adoption (the most amazing selfless act anyone can do.) You can get through this and be happy though. Before I got pregnant with Deklan or even started in vitro I learned that. I met some amazing friends dealing with the same thing that got me through this. IF you are angry...or sad, or don't know what to do, REACH OUT. It WILL help ease some of the pain. I hate that my baby sister has to go through this but I ams so glad she has someone who has gone through it to at least guide her and let her vent. First thing I told her was to get to know you amazing ladies. So THANK YOU to all of you for being my rock. You have no idea how much each and every one of you have left your mark on me and given me inspiration when I needed it most. I will continue to read your blogs and get uplifted as I go through round 2...so here we go. :) P.s I am curious to all you in vitro moms out there how and WHEN you plan on telling your children how they were conceived?? Strange question I know but lately I wonder if Deklan will feel "different" from finding out he was kinda sorta created in a lab...obviously with lots of love as well. Just curious...:)

 

Deklan's Day...

Unfortunately I am super sick today and can't sleep. Hence I am posting at 3:30 am in the morning. :) A good friend of ours is a videographer (and a super talented one at that) and he started a year ago making videos for kids. I loved the idea and hired him to do one for Deklan. It's finally done and we love it! Deklan loves it even more! :) Thought I'd share. Hope everyone is a better week than mine...:( womp womp womp.

I'm back! :)

I took a little hiatus from the blogging world and to be honest it was pretty nice! I decided to get back onto this blog because of us beginning our journey for baby number 2. Or possibly baby number 2 AND 3. I love being able to go back and re read what I went through the first time around. Plus writing lets me vent some of my pain out. I am still struggling with infertility. NO being pregnant with Deklan didn't "fix" me. I was shocked by how many of us that dealt with infertility together are pregnant with number 2 or even 3 by now! Sheesh has it been THAT long?! 

Deklan is going to be 2 in May. All the sudden I'm getting "the question" all over again and it's starting to sting. When are you trying for the next one? Well, I never QUIT trying. In fact I've never been on birth control after Deklan. I also haven't been necessarily "trying." I haven't had a period in 4-5 months and we all know you can't get pregnant with out that. 

My goal is to do in vitro again this year. I now am pretty certain there is no other way for us to get pregnant. I'm super nervous this time around. Maybe because I have no idea how this works with "frozen" embryos or what to expect in terms of chances of this actually working. I'm nervous of failing and then figuring out what to do from there. Deklan deserves siblings. I want that for our family. 

Honestly for MOST of the time pregnancy announcements weren't bothering me. I started to feel the "infertile" in me again a few months ago. Right now we are on a stand still because of our insurance. I hate that I have NO control over how long this will take to figure out. For now I am just snuggling Deklan real tight. He is my best bud! (other than my husband of course! :) 

I am excited to catch up on all of your blogs again! I've missed this amazing group of women and having girls who understand! And here are a few updated pictures of my little man for now :):)

Happy World Breastfeeding Week :) A little late...

I had read a few amazing blog posts during the ACTUAL world breast feeding week just a bit ago and thought I would share.

http://ten22studio.com/?p=903 (This girl  is an amazing photographer and wrote some REALLY good posts about breastfeeding I loved! Go check em out- isn't this shot she took beautiful??!)



http://ouradoptionfaithwalk.blogspot.com/2013/08/world-breastfeeding-week-salute.html (This one I found floating around facebook but LOVED the realness of the post.



Isn't this image so true?? haha!

 I thought I would share MY feelings on breastfeeding as well. I am a strong supporter of "whatever works best for you, is the right choice." Funny thing is before I had Deklan I NEVER could understand why you would choose NOT to breastfeed your baby. You women who chose to breastfeed are super moms...but SO are the women who pump, or chose to formula feed your baby. Truth is, the most important thing is that both mom and baby are happy.

My VERY first experience with breastfeeding was minutes after D was born. I knew without a doubt that I WANTED to breastfeed with D. He was born 5 weeks early which made things very complicated to say the least. Minutes after D was born one of the nurses placed him on my chest and immediately tried to help my tiny 4 pound son to latch. He actually DID latch but nothing came out. My milk didn't come in. Being that I FORCED my body into labor 5 weeks early to keep him safe, things didn't go according to plan. The nurse said he did amazing for his first time, not to worry, she was going to feed him in the niccu with a bottle, and we will keep trying. At the time I was loopy, tired, excited about my baby boy, and NERVOUS about how tiny he was. At that point I decided to do whatever the nurses told me to make sure he gained some weight. After an hour or so of being cleaned up they let me go see him in the niccu. The nurses sat me down and gave me lots of rules. When to see him, touch him, feed him, who can see him, NOT to talk to him and play with him because he needed to reserve all energy for feeding. So I complied. After the rules I felt like I was being watched like a hawk by these nurses...like he was THEIR baby and I was a visitor. I was scared to touch him, kiss him, sing to him, or even say a word. It was quiet in there. All you could here was the beeping noises from all the machines. It was uncomfortable. They decided I needed to pump A LOT to get my milk in and then feed him that in a bottle so they could see he was getting enough fluid. He lost weight right away to less than 4 pounds, and wasn't eating at all. He would tire out so fast and never wanted anything to do with it. I cried a lot in the hospital and looked like a zombie. Finally I decided that I was this little boys mom and he NEEDED ME. So I was in there all the time. I spent three hours with him on my chest and THAT DAY he started to eat. He finally after a week was eating enough where he could go home. The day before I went home I asked them to try to help me breastfeed but he wasn't latching properly and it was too hard of work for him at that point. So I kept trying at home.

Each feeding...every three hours I would pump a little but not too much so I wasn't too engorged, attempt a latch, cry from frustration, pump for thirty minutes more, clean the parts, THEN bottle feed my baby. It was AWFUL. And ALL. DAY. LONG. After about 4 months of pumping and attempting breastfeeding, including having a specialist come to my house, I finally quit. I was feeling SO inadequate at this time and depressed that I couldn't even enjoy the sweet new baby I had. Even after I quit I felt guilty. Every time I would get the question if I was breastfeeding it weighed on me. The day I decided to LET GO all that guilt went away. I OWNED the fact that I was formula feeding my baby and it was the best solution for him to gain weight. And it was OKAY to not be breastfeeding. Deklan was healthy, I was healthy, and I felt like a new person. I would LOVE for things to run smoothly for me the next time I get pregnant. But I have NO idea what will happen. I WILL say that women who pump are SUPER moms!!! IT WAS NOT EASY! Women who breast feed their baby's are super moms! And women who formula feed are ALSO super moms! Whatever your choice is, own it, and just enjoy those precious months with your little ones! Happy Breastfeeding week a little late :)