Welp. I tried really hard for a few weeks to avoid the inevitable rock bottom feeling. I kept myself too busy to deal with any type of emotional pain. It worked! haha! For a few weeks my house was spotless, dinner was on the table, my calling was taken care of, and all I felt great! And then a few days ago out of nowhere I stopped sleeping (dang insomnia) I had a hard time functioning the past two days. In fact the day Deklan was in preschool I slept literally all day- just couldn't get out of bed. My energy was shot. I fell off our dang ladder trying to get Christmas decorations out and bruised my butt and back like no ones business. HURT SO BAD! I realized at that moment that my body is a lot more frail these days. I have been sick for weeks. And then the worst of it happened. I lost my mind and forgot I had a client for a photoshoot (totally mixed up the days!) I felt awful!!! I realized I had lost my mind and am pretty sure this is all coming full circle back to me. This is what happens when you ignore trauma and pain I guess. Lame. I don't want to think about all of this but I need to figure out how to get back to normal. Whenever I feel sad I immediately feel guilt. How can I be upset when I was BARLEY pregnant and women deal with this all the time. How can I feel angry when I have a miracle baby already. As an outsider it's easy to say that all sounds ridiculous and it's obvious it's okay to feel pain- but for some reason I can't seam to wrap my brain around that idea/ I just want to move past it like it never happened. These are just my random thoughts today that I wanted to get out. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.
Yesterday my focus was ALL on Deklan. I put my phone down and had a date with my cute boy. We colored, played ball, chased birds, rode bikes, and had a picnic in the front yard. Felt good to just love on him. I love how carefree and happy he is :) Such a sweet boy! We also took grandma for a day to spend time with her- Deklan loved every minute!
So sorry your are going through this girl. :o( It's OK to let yourself grieve. You must- it's healthy, just as long as you dont stay there too long. But you must walk through the process and let yourself feel. Trust God has a plan and He is with you even when you dont feel Him. Hang in there.... I'll be praying for you.
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