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Saturday, November 15, 2014

Hitting Rock Bottom

Welp. I tried really hard for a few weeks to avoid the inevitable rock bottom feeling. I kept myself too busy to deal with any type of emotional pain. It worked! haha! For a few weeks my house was spotless, dinner was on the table, my calling was taken care of, and all I felt great! And then a few days ago out of nowhere I stopped sleeping (dang insomnia) I had a hard time functioning the past two days. In fact the day Deklan was in preschool I slept literally all day- just couldn't get out of bed. My energy was shot. I fell off our dang ladder trying to get Christmas decorations out and bruised my butt and back like no ones business. HURT SO BAD! I realized at that moment that my body is a lot more frail these days. I have been sick for weeks. And then the worst of it happened. I lost my mind and forgot I had a client for a photoshoot (totally mixed up the days!) I felt awful!!! I realized I had lost my mind and am pretty sure this is all coming full circle back to me. This is what happens when you ignore trauma and pain I guess. Lame. I don't want to think about all of this but I need to figure out how to get back to normal. Whenever I feel sad I immediately feel guilt. How can I be upset when I was BARLEY pregnant and women deal with this all the time. How can I feel angry when I have a miracle baby already. As an outsider it's easy to say that all sounds ridiculous and it's obvious it's okay to feel pain- but for some reason I can't seam to wrap my brain around that idea/ I just want to move past it like it never happened. These are just my random thoughts today that I wanted to get out. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Yesterday my focus was ALL on Deklan. I put my phone down and had a date with my cute boy. We colored, played ball, chased birds, rode bikes, and had a picnic in the front yard. Felt good to just love on him. I love how carefree and happy he is :) Such a sweet boy! We also took grandma for a day to spend time with her- Deklan loved every minute!






4 comments:

  1. So sorry your are going through this girl. :o( It's OK to let yourself grieve. You must- it's healthy, just as long as you dont stay there too long. But you must walk through the process and let yourself feel. Trust God has a plan and He is with you even when you dont feel Him. Hang in there.... I'll be praying for you.

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  2. Hi! I am new to reading your blog. I also have PCOS and have had three miscarriages. I now have two healthy children, but I had many ups and downs through the process. Between children I had my third miscarriage. It was really hard to take considering I had already been through the process. I thought it would have been easier this time. I decided to focus on my health at that point and started exercising, eating well, and taking vitex (chaste berry) to help balance out my hormones. It seemed to have worked because I got pregnant again shortly thereafter. Any way, best wishes! Things always seem to work themselves out for the best even though we may not know the reason behind it in the moment.

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