Feeling full of emotions today. One year ago today was the day we implanted our ONE embryo. We were full of so much hope (and fear) all at the same time if that's even possible. Now one year later we have the most amazing special little boy. I had no idea what to expect with in vitro- it was hard work, expensive, emotional, and worth EVERY moment. I would do it all over again times ten for this ONE baby. He made me a mom. The one thing I wanted in this world more than anything else. The beginning was hard- but as time goes and I get to know him more each day I love him even MORE. I had NO idea it was possible to love someone THIS much. Super mushy I know- but mushy is all I feel towards this little one.
This is a video of our journey. It's long, has some birth footage, and is not completely done. I am planning on shortening the video and posting on face book eventually It will take some time to get it where I want it. For now you can watch the undone video:) Hope you enjoy it as much as I do. I cry almost every time I watch the birth moments now. I was totally drugged, loopy, and a little confused at the moment, but I do remember every sound and the feel of his teeny tiny body on mine the first time. After that first hour with him they wisked him away to be in the niccu for a week. That was so hard. I couldn't sleep at night so I would visit my baby as much as I could, but I was scared to touch him. I wish so badly I knew then what I know now because I would have done things differently. I was his mom- I SHOULD have been talking and touching him that very first day. IF I ever run into this again I will know what to do better. Little Deklan is a miracle- MY miracle. He brings an amazing spirit to our home. Happy implantation birthday baby boy! :) You have made our family feel complete and full of life!
One thing I have had to learn the hard way- is to not compare one person's sorrow to another. I did this a lot with my miscarriage and pretty much any other trial I faced in my life. The day after this mess I cleaned my whole house, worked out, went shopping, and tried my darnest to pretend it never happened. I did this because I felt I had NO RIGHT to be sad. There are too many other people that had been through SO much worse. A good friend of mine texted me and said even if you were 4 weeks pregnant you have the right to be sad about this. It's STILL a loss. I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on it either- BUT I think it's good to acknowledge it, accept it, and move forward. So I decided I needed some way to remember #2. I wrote this little one a letter, kept the pregnancy tests and the t-shirt I made Deklan and packaged it up.
As much as I attempted to pretend I was fine, it came out in "Other" ways that I wasn't. The first night all this happened I took a unisom to sleep. This stuff knocks me out if I take a whole one- so I did. Deklan woke up crying and I woke up sort of in a panic. I wasn't dreaming, but I wasn't fully awake. It was weird- I woke up grabbed Deklan and put him on the bed next to his dad and gave him a binky- than I started freaking out asking Jonny where our "other " baby was. Sounds crazy I KNOW. I legitimately NO JOKE thought I had another baby in the room I couldn't find. I was pretty frantic about it- Jonny kept asking what are you talking about? He knew I was acting a little crazy so he forced me back down to sleep and took Deklan to go feed him. When I woke up I realized I MUST have been dreaming about this "other " baby or something- obviously I need to mourn this loss so I can move on.
I have been doing my best to mask how I'm feeling about the miscarriage but the truth and reality is that things change when you find out you had a life growing inside you. I was trying hard to figure out why my body felt so icky and bloated and tired- and NOW I know. Deklan was only 3 and a half months- and I was pregnant for 2 months of that! My body is a wreck! I can't help but think what would I had done differently had I known. I feel like if I would have just done something simple like progesterone- the baby would be okay. That guilt eats me up inside and causes SO much anxiety. ONCE again anxiety has creeped back into life. To the point that I CAN"T SLEEP! It's AWFUL! Especially when Deklan is now sleeping a good 8 FULL hours at night and I lay there and WATCH him sleep! WHY you ask? I think partially from a place of fear. Fear that I could loose my little one I do have. During the day I push those feelings aside and just love on my little boy. I have just heard SO MANY horrific tragic stories as of late of wonderful people loosing their children to an unknown disease or a drowning, or all these horrific things I can't seem to get out of my mind! AHH-HELP! Logically I know the liklihood of something happening is small- and that I am being ridiculous to worry about things I can't control, but I can't seem to turn it off at night. I'm sure it has something to do with the miscarriage.
I am hoping that by recognizing the loss I can move forward. I think the fact that no one really knew about baby #2 made things hard. I WANT that short little life to have meaning. It meant something to me. I don't want him or her forgotten. I have a few family and friends that I would have been pregnant with. It will be hard to see when there baby is due and know that I SHOULD have been due with them. Our babies should be the same age. It's definitely different now, because I am happy for them, but it's still a reminder of what I lost. I feel like it's just a guessing game now. Was this a fluke or will it happen again on it's own? My mom gave me this rose the day after the miscarriage and it has been alive and perfect the past two weeks. Today it started dying. It felt like a reminder that this chapter is over. My sister in law who also went through a miscarriage believes that little soul was just TOO good to make it here on earth. They were so good they got to go straight back to their heavenly father. I don't know how this works, or if I will see this other little one on the other side, but I hope so. I can feel that our family isn't complete yet. I'm not sure how or when it will be, but for now I'm trying my best to focus on Deklan. Now more than ever, I know what a true miracle life is. It has been ONE YEAR since in vitro- and soon I will be posting Deklan's birth video. :) Almost done with finishing it up :)
Oh and THANK YOU so much for your sweet comments- they all meant so much to me! This community has given me so much comfort in my times of need, and I couldn't be more grateful. :)