It's funny how fast I feel guilty for writing a negative post like my last one. Truth is, I am very blessed and don't have a lot of room to complain. I live a good life (FAR from perfect but good)- My husband is a professional network marketer. He is really good at what he does. It has allowed him and I to be semi retired at this point. Basically we travel together and do meetings for groups of really cool people. And we make sure to always have fun wherever we go. It makes life busy but fun. Jonny is home to raise Deklan and I can't imagine it any other way now.
I have realized that with infertility you have good days and bad days
like anything else. Bad days I hate all pregnant women and assume they
have no problems in the universe (obviously not true) Simply because
they had a cute round belly, or a sweet tiny baby in a stroller their
life MUST be easier than mine. Those are the days I
refuse to go to a baby shower because it just made me angry. What I
learned after having Deklan is that I couldn't have been more wrong.
Every journey is a hard one. Its full of hardships, setbacks, and
obstacles that feel impossible. Those feelings seep in every now and again but truthfully they are usually under control. Having a crazy little toddler running around has made me understand that motherhood is amazing but it's hard work.
When my hormones DO get the best of me they remind me that I get to make babies the difficult way. When I say difficult I mean- legs up in stirrups in a white, quiet not to mention COLD room and a full bladder. All I can say is that I am GRATEFUL for modern medicine because without it we wouldn't have our son. I am reading a book right now on infertility from the famous Cindy Margolis, who had to do in vitro back when it wasn't necessarily accepted. It got me thinking to when I learned about this process back in highschool. Funny thing is I was always fascinated with ANYTHING about babies. I actually wrote a report about "test tube" babies and whether or not it was a moral thing to do. Little did I know that this would be MY method of getting pregnant. I would love to find what I wrote then and I am pretty sure it was a two sided paper.I had no clue what I was talking about then...but I do now.
While LOVE making (intimacy wise) is NOT how an in vitro baby is made- these babies are made with MORE LOVE than one could imagine. It's a lot of work from BOTH partners equally, a lot of emotions, and a lot of hope. The one thing I know for sure is that these babies are still sent straight from heaven and are meant to go to certain families. Deklan is ours and to me is just like any other baby. I don't delete my negative posts because they are real. I try to be transparent and always will be. Plus it's a good reminder later on for me to see ALL of how I felt. The good, the bad, and the ugly :) Tonight I feel grateful.
Baby Noah - 18 Months
2 weeks ago