I built this blog specifically to vent out my frustrations about infertility. However, I am hoping to educate those who have never dealt with this issue, and relate to those who have. My story starts here.
My story with infertility begins a loooong time ago. The husband and I got married January 31, 2004- over 8 years ago!!!
The Eggs: I wanted babies RIGHT away. Being a mom/stay at home wifey was all I had ever wanted. I hate to say anything negative about the church, because it has helped me make it though all this… but I thought that was kind of my role in life. Grow up and be a good wife and mom. End of story- easy peasy right? Boy I was wrong!
The Sperm: Jonny wanted to wait 2 years before starting a family- at the time I never understood that. WHY WAIT?? Who could possibly resist a tiny little baby of your own?!!! Obviously this was a decision that TWO people had to agree on- I lost. He wanted us to grow together as a family. Which I have learned now was the best decision we could have made. Regardless of the issues we had- we weren’t ready.
Birth Control: We decided to not use birth control though- I didn’t want to cause any issues for later on- so we used a diaphragm- which is only like 88% effective. My parents were mad at me for this- especially my dad. He REALLY didn’t believe in waiting to start a family. He felt like God will give you a child when you are supposed to have one. To this day I still feel hurt about that. He told me later that this may have happened because I chose to not start a family right away- talk about feeling guilty!
My Body: I NEVER had a period- but never paid much attention to it. I never really thought that would matter though- I figured getting pregnant was easy. I was baby hungry all the time for the next year and a half- taking tests in hopes to see those two pink lines- hoping the diaphragm failed. It didn’t.
The Diagnosis: I started having MAJOR pains on my side randomly. I had no idea what it could be so I went into a primary physician. He ran some tests…then some more, even an ultrasound (which really confused me at the time.) He told me I had cysts all over my ovaries and I probably had one rupture. He told me about Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, but said there was NO way I had it- I wasn’t “the type” The type meant being overweight, with facial hair, and a masculine body. He kind of laughed it off and sent me home. I didn’t think twice about any of this.
I do remember “the call” though. My mother in law was with me for some reason. My Doctor called me on my cell phone to give me the bad news. He told me the tests showed I did indeed have PCOS and asked if I wanted kids. He said if I ever wanted kids then I should start right away. Tears started streaming down my face, but I kept thinking to myself- this is silly. I know I am fine- this doctor is definitely wrong. I didn’t think much about it-instead I went for a second opinion…and a third. It always started the same- they would look at me and say “Noooo, there is no way that you would have PCOS.” Then the test results came in, again…and again. It started to sink in. Jonny didn’t believe it. I finally convinced him though that we should at least try.
Try #1: We tried the normal way- you know…sex with no types of birth control. I took a pregnancy test after the first month…negative. In my heart though I knew that it would happen- I thought how sad for those who REALLY couldn’t get pregnant. Then a year went by.
TRY #2: Jonny and I finally realized we needed see an OBGYN. He put me on Chlomid. The most hated drug by all men. Women are literally THE DEVIL on this drug. I had ALL the side effect including hot flashes to the MAX, was thirsty ALL the time, MAJOR mood swings- it was like I was going through menopause at the age of 20! I took it with SUCH high hopes! I though for sure it would work- but I kept getting the negative pregnancy tests and the emotional breakdowns that went with them every time.
ANGER: This is when the anger set in. I started HATING anyone who would announce they were pregnant, or even that they wanted to start trying! I started to become OBSESSED with my cycles, timing sex…more like DEMANDING it from days 10-22 of my cycle IN CASE I could be ovulating! I was angry with Jonny, angry with my family, friends, god, pretty much wanted to blame it on anyone else. It consumed me to the point that my husband and I drifted apart. We dreaded ovulation time because it took the fun out of sex completely.
Failure Sets In: Our marriage took a toll during this time. We finally decided to stop trying all together because it wasn’t worth it. It hurt too bad and I needed to figure out how to be happy without a baby first. Slowly I started being happy again. Not worrying about “IF I was pregnant” was amazing therapy. We traveled and played together. I started to feel guilty for being happy. How could I possibly be happy right now? I even got on birth control for the first time (only for three months-to maybe regulate my cycle) and it felt amazing. Things were going really good for me emotionally. Then people at church kept asking when we wanted to have babies, how long we have been married…I could see the judgment in their eyes. There were a few times I would just say it because I was angry- I’m infertile. Just to make them feel bad for asking. Why is it any of their business anyways??!
Try #3: I knew it was time to try again- I was nervous though, remembering what it did to me as a person. I hated myself then. I decided to go the natural route this time. I paid like $500 a month for natural herbs and literally took about 40 pills A DAY!!!!! I drank herbal tea all day and was doing juice fasts- trying to do anything I could to get pregnant. It didn’t work.
Try #4: I went to a new Doctor. A REAL fertility doctor- spent about $1,000 in testing, and the doctor told me to immediately spend $30 grand for in vitro. I was pissed. I thought there HAD to be another way. I went to ANOTHER fertility Doctor who was amazing. Dr. Larsen. He was LDS, REALLY cared about me, and told me all sorts of other things to try first. He gave me hope.
A New Discovery: Test results came back in to show my prolactin levels were low. My Doctor gave me an MRI to check my pituitary gland. He found a tumor. This tumor was the reason for all of the imbalances. So I took drugs to help it- and more drugs for the insulin resistance problems. I started Metformin- OH the dreaded metformin. It makes me sick to this day! I took drugs for just about everything, to start my period, to ovulate, to thicken my lining. I had constant ultrasounds. ALL my hormones were outta wack! After none of that working on it’s own we went to the next big step.
Try #5: We progressed to artificial insemination (Four times with NO luck!) Instead I was getting cysts the size of grapefruits and WAY too many eggs. I finally gave up after that.
This is literally the SHORT story of all this. I’m not kidding. There is so much more involved that happened here- Including PAINFUL cysts rupturing causing me pain to the point I couldn’t move. It was ridiculous reading back in my old journal of everything I have really done-it could be a book.
Try #6: After months of daily injections, LOTS of drugs, a procedure to REMOVE my eggs, and then once fertilized put them BACK in (In Vitro Fertilization) I was FINALLY able to get pregnant. It has been a hurdle of obstacles, a lot of pain and tears, and STILL difficult times, but our BABY BOY was born 5 weeks early on May 3rd, 2012.
Now we are on round 2 go around of all this fun stuff. We are busy enjoying Baby Deklan- definitely not preventing for another one to come along though. We have 7 frozen babies waiting for us when we are ready for in vitro once again.
Surprise update: Final divorce edition.
6 days ago