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Saturday, November 15, 2014

Hitting Rock Bottom

Welp. I tried really hard for a few weeks to avoid the inevitable rock bottom feeling. I kept myself too busy to deal with any type of emotional pain. It worked! haha! For a few weeks my house was spotless, dinner was on the table, my calling was taken care of, and all I felt great! And then a few days ago out of nowhere I stopped sleeping (dang insomnia) I had a hard time functioning the past two days. In fact the day Deklan was in preschool I slept literally all day- just couldn't get out of bed. My energy was shot. I fell off our dang ladder trying to get Christmas decorations out and bruised my butt and back like no ones business. HURT SO BAD! I realized at that moment that my body is a lot more frail these days. I have been sick for weeks. And then the worst of it happened. I lost my mind and forgot I had a client for a photoshoot (totally mixed up the days!) I felt awful!!! I realized I had lost my mind and am pretty sure this is all coming full circle back to me. This is what happens when you ignore trauma and pain I guess. Lame. I don't want to think about all of this but I need to figure out how to get back to normal. Whenever I feel sad I immediately feel guilt. How can I be upset when I was BARLEY pregnant and women deal with this all the time. How can I feel angry when I have a miracle baby already. As an outsider it's easy to say that all sounds ridiculous and it's obvious it's okay to feel pain- but for some reason I can't seam to wrap my brain around that idea/ I just want to move past it like it never happened. These are just my random thoughts today that I wanted to get out. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Yesterday my focus was ALL on Deklan. I put my phone down and had a date with my cute boy. We colored, played ball, chased birds, rode bikes, and had a picnic in the front yard. Felt good to just love on him. I love how carefree and happy he is :) Such a sweet boy! We also took grandma for a day to spend time with her- Deklan loved every minute!

Monday, October 27, 2014

Sharing My Story of baby # 3

I have decided to share my story with my friends and family. I remember when first finding out we were pregnant, Jonny wanted to share the news immediately with everyone. I was hesitant after our last miscarriage... not wanting to have to get all excited and then retell the news something bad happened. Last time we found out we only knew for a day before the miscarriage had happened all on it's own. Not to say it didn't hurt, but we didn't know long enough to get ourselves excited. That made a big difference for sure.

This time was different. For weeks we would slowly tell family and close friends. People were finding out and things were feeling more real. After seeing a few ultrasounds and actually seeing a heartbeat I finally started planning how to tell everyone. I finally was getting the courage to get excited and believe the pregnancy was real.

 Last Monday at 7 and a half weeks pregnant the baby stopped growing and we had to see the baby on ultrasound without a heartbeat. Jon and I were devastated. We found out we were pregnant about a month earlier. The moment we possibly could find out we did. We went to urgent care thinking I was sick. Come to find out I was pregnant- ON OUR OWN.

I couldn't understand WHY everything worked out the way it did. We found out early enough to make sure things were okay. At least that's what I thought. We kept going through hurdles- tests, low progesterone, low heartbeat- and then it ended. On my 30th birthday the miscarriage happened naturally. The baby actually looked like a baby. For days I have been a mess and unsure how to pick up the pieces.

Jonny didn't handle things well this time. Making it hard on me as well. Generally he is the strong one. So I can throw all my emotion on him and he just hugs me and lets me cry it out. This time he left. He had a trip planned for months to go hunting with a bunch of guys in Utah. The day we found out about the miscarriage I told him I still wanted him to go (deep down I wanted him to say NO way! You come first and there is NO way Id leave you like this.) I didn't tell him because I wanted him to just know what to do. To me it seemed so obvious. Then he left. I cried and cried and got so angry at him. Really angry. I'm sure all my anger ended up on him. When he got back though he looked refreshed.

He finally admitted to me he needed those days to process. He was I think even more excited than I was about this baby and forgot attached after seeing the heartbeat. To be honest I was so wrapped into my own emotions I forgot this would hurt him too.  When we were together that week I was crying and angry making it difficult to take the time he needed to grieve as well. Now I get it and am glad he went. Oddly enough by the end of that day and a half by myself I realized he gave me the time I needed as well. He made up for it by surprising me with an overnight babysitter (my sister) couples messages and a super nice resort to just be together.  I will say it tested us though. We were both angry and took it out on each other.

My mom gave me a book that I was hesitant to read. To be honest I really didn't want to hear anything from anybody. Even the positive stuff like "yes you will get pregnant again." Or "You will have the chance one day to raise this baby." I didn't believe it and couldn't see past the hurt. All I could see was that it wasn't fair. I was angry. And then I began to read this book called Extraordinary Comfort by David Assay. He wrote about an experience of his mom passing away and going to the "other side." She came back to tell them that she had met her baby that was still born at 6 months pregnant along with another grandchild that her daughter had miscarried. She talked about these babies being ours still. The book was exactly what I needed in that moment. A reminder that there is hope and I am definitely not alone in this.

"Life's not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow." -Terri Guillements. That is exactly how I felt. What was the purpose in this amazing miraculous pregnancy? Was it meant JUST solely to haunt me? I am slowly realizing that this is just one of life's most difficult challenges and it was meant to help me remember what I DO have.

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isnt." -Richard Bach. I still have MORE trials to go through- we all do, and that's okay. Every trial I have been through has somehow made me stronger.

My heart right now aches with grief I never knew existed. This loss rocked my foundation to the core. Yet through all of this pain something beautiful rose up from the ashes. I feel moments of peace through my grieving. I feel shattered and broken but I recognized an inner strength that I have. Despite the loss, I can't imagine now NOT feeling the joy of this child's conception. Which is why I am sharing with all of you. Regardless of how this ended, this baby's short life WAS in deed a miracle and for a reason. That little spirit will always be a part of our family. That may not make sense to a lot of you- or seem extreme with how short the pregnancy was, but to me that short month we knew we were pregnant felt like an eternity of hopes and dreams wrapped up in one little package. That baby WAS loved and excited for and we were blessed to carry them for that short period of time. And as much as it hurts, I am grateful I got to experience that. I am not the same person I was just a month ago- the experience has forever changed me. "A miracle isn't always the miracle we're hoping for: But that doesn't make it any less of a miracle." -Hana Haatainen Caye

Saturday, October 25, 2014

I can do hard things

Today was hard. This week was actually all really hard. But I am starting to feel better. My mom took me to lunch this morning and after running around a bit I felt a big gush of blood again. I had bleeding a lot but this was pretty bad and made me feel pretty weak. After resting a bit and doing some reading and LOTS of crying I started to feel a lot better. Maybe that's what I needed. A good cry and some positive reading. I finally started to feel a little hope. All of the sudden I remembered that this is just one of the many hard things I will go have to go through in this life and I can handle it. I'm strong and can do hard things. I know I will still have moments of weakness. Seeing pregnant women and babies already stings a little even though I know deep down that doesn't change what I'm going through. My little sister is pregnant too. We were SO excited to have babies only two months a part. I'm realizing that it's going to be a reminder probably that I should have a baby too. Again I am honestly happy for her she deserves this just as much as I do- it still stings. Jonny forced me to tell him what I'm grateful for today to try to see a little light- I was so angry at him for it even though I know I needed to do it- so I wrote about it. It worked. I have so much to grateful for- and most importantly I have a REALLY bright spot in my life. I have my little boy. If ALL I get in this life is him it's all I need. He brings so much light in our home. The day I miscarried he snuggled me while I cried. He patted my back so gently like he knew. It was so sweet and exactly what I needed.  These were from a few weeks ago at my sisters wedding. The week we announced we were pregnant to most our family and friends. We only made it 8 weeks but to me that felt like an eternity. Either way I am grateful for this little mammas boy I have- he will always be my miracle baby. Sorry awful photo of us dancing that night but he is the sweetest :)

Friday, October 24, 2014

The worst 30th birthday of all time

I figured I should keep documenting for myself. I know I probably have only five readers on this thing- but I am still so grateful that I have documented almost ALL of my infertility journey on here and go back to it often. Today is my birthday. I turned 30 years old. It's a big birthday. A crazy one that reminds me I'm getting REALLY old. Last night I started cramping a lot and getting brown spotting (nothing too crazy) but I knew it would take a few days at least for this to happen. I only had half a day on my birthday to spend with Jonny because I had to drop him off at the airport today at 2. We planned on getting my mind off of things by going out to breakfast and going shopping to buy me clothes. Spending money tends to make me feel better even though half of what I get I end up regretting later. haha! My body definitely had something else in store for me today. I woke up early in the morning with horrendous cramps and jumped straight in the bath to try to use heat for the pain. I even tried pain killers and that didn't even touch it. Blood was pretty much pouring out of me. Jonny went out and got me breakfast and ginormous diaper pads since I can't wear tampons obviously. After hours of pain I did eventually pass the baby. It was a perfect round quarter size sac. I couldn't believe it but I could actually see a baby (TEENY tiny) but it was the baby. My baby. I could see the cord that attached it to the placenta and it's eyes- and even what looked like little arm buds. I balled all morning. I couldn't control my emotions at all. Jonny's sweet sister came over and watched Deklan while I of all things- DID go shopping. I was in so much pain trying on clothes but didn't care- I knew being at home crying would be much worse. After dropping Jonny off at the airport now though I am all alone at my house. I know I could have gotten a sister or friend to be here for me but in all truth and honesty I have just wanted to be at home alone to veg. Hopefully tonight I can get some good rest and the cramps maybe subside. I have hit a wall emotionally and am just at that point I want this behind me. I am tired. Tired at how hard and unfair this is. I know I will get through this but is a really bad day.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Another Angel Baby

This post is hard to write. My last post I wrote that I never posted was from 3 and a half weeks ago ( I am posting it now for my reference) when I found out I was somehow pregnant ON MY OWN. It was a loooong month of emotions that ultimately led to today. My final ultrasound that I got to see a sweet little baby with no heartbeat. I knew instantly. The traumatic part was seeing how much the baby grew from just a week and a half ago. It looked like the baby probably stopped growing in the past day or so. I was strong during the ultrasound. Part of me just couldn't accept what the Dr. was saying. He was telling me it's not your fault, and this couldn't be prevented, and apologizing for the awful news- but I couldn't really hear it. Then instead of the normal ultrasound pictures- he handed me a cup pass the baby in and gave me three options of a DNC, naturally letting the baby pass, or drugs to force contractions. That's when I lost it. He gave Jonny and I the room and said take your time.

Each week the pregnancy felt more real and I would get more excited- so yes this is hard for me. I'm grateful Jonny was able to be there through all of this but I could tell it was hard for him to see the baby as well. We both were excited- talking about double strollers, life with two babies, how to announce this to the world, and how blessed we were to have this happen a few months before doing in vitro. We spent over TWO GRAND in Dr. appts and ultrasounds in just the past month. It's the last thing I was worried about but ALL of it sucks pretty bad. And before anyone says "maybe you were meant to do in vitro and have twins in a few months." This is NOT what I need right now. Honestly the hard reality is that it hurts and it sucks and I just need time to heal. Right now I don't want and can't think about the possibility of future babies because I wanted THIS baby. The baby that is STILL sitting in my uterus and wont be very soon. I got attached to THIS particular baby. Today I am angry and sad and scared.

I will be okay- I know I will but for now I am mourning the loss of the baby I was supposed to have. The hardest news for me today is when my fertility brought up the harsh reality that now that I have had two miscarriages in a row my chances of miscarriage jumps from 15 percent  (a normal amount) to now 30 percent. Regardless of doing in vitro or not. I'm already terrified but this just adds to that. I can't imagine going through this pain again. It feels better to write out my feelings...but its hard.

Baby # 3

I am freaking out as I type this because this is definitely one of those things that I am having a hard time keeping secret. Let's discuss "the plan" real quick. Since my last visit at the Dr's office- which was August 20th- I was put on birth control and "planning" to do in vitro in about November December time. The main reason I couldn't do November was simply the fact my sister was getting married and my transfer would have been the week of the transfer. Obviously would not have worked. I took three days of birth control pills and stopped when I found out our insurance would possibly cover pregnancy and I might as well literally wait ONE more month for that. Anywho we went on a few trips, SanFrancisco, newyork, and kept ourselves busy. I caught a cold and a UTI the week I was supposed to go to Disneyland (SUCK) So I went to urgent care.

I spent HOURS there which was super annoying going over the normal. No I'm not pregnant, I'm seriously POSITIVE I'm not pregnant. I told the nurse we are doing in vitro next month lady so leave it alone. She checked anyway. I was by myself because Jonny was watching Deklan at home. The Dr. came in and finally sat down, Well, your urine test came back negative for a UTI...totally non chalant he says, "oh but you ARE pregnant."

I am pretty sure my face went white and I started shaking, and he's like I thought you might freak out. Um NO Dr. YOU DO NOT understand...I am not pregnant. I have only been pregnant ONE other time than doing in vitro- and it was a few months after my son  and I miscarried. He kept talking...about possible infections but I am pretty sure I heard NOTHING because I was in shock. The nurse came in all excited and was like "OH my gosh we were all freaking out when we saw it came up positive so fast!!!! How are you not more excited?" I simply said- there must be a mistake I need to talk to my fertility now. I went home and handed Jonny my "test result" paper that says real big YOU ARE PREGNANT so start taking your vitamins. He started crying and hugging me which made me cry. I wanted so badly to be excited but I couldn't. I was scared to get attached. I took 6 pregnancy tests in the next week. One a day and every day the line got darker.

Still didn't believe it. I got a blood hcg test at the OBGYN next to my house that got me in days after I found out. She took WAY too long for the results and I was calling like every few hours (enough where the PA told me I'm impatient) I was furious. She had no idea what I had been through. SO I went to my fertility dr who got me results in HOURS. My first HCG was over 1,000 and my second a few days later had over doubled. I didn't believe it! I started to get excited and think how I can finally surprise my family that I got pregnant all on my own. The my RE told me my HCG was scary low. a 5.3 so her put me on progesterone. It's been a whirlwind of a few weeks.

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

First Office Visit...CHECK!

I seriously can't believe it myself but I FINALLY bit the bullet and went to see my fertility Dr again for the first time in YEARS now. Strange since I practically lived at his office for so long. It was the weirdest thing but I didn't sleep a wink the night before and all day was on pins and needles waiting to get into the office. You would think I was doing the transfer that day or something. I was WAAAAAYYY more nervous than the first time I had ever gone. I was trying to figure out why this felt like such a bigger commitment than last time. I think maybe because I know how much work in vitro is and am terrified of the thought of the emotional roller coaster I am about to embark on.

 Also we are DEFINITELY putting in two embryos this time which means I could have lots of babies running around my house real soon. The moment I saw Dr. Larsen I gave him the biggest hug and already started to feel so much more excitement about this. He went over every question I had and then some. His biggest concern was the fact Deklan came 6 weeks early and he was unsure how many embryos would be best for me. He felt that two was a good amount this time because it's only a 2-3% chance of each of those splitting into two MORE babies. I was terrified of two embryos turning into three or four. So that eased my worry a lot. Since Deklan came early by being induced for low amniotic fluid and not me going into actual labor early he felt comfortable with two embies. And so do I. Jonny has insisted on us having twins and as terrified as I am of the thought of two newborns I also think it would be kinda fun! As long as they are healthy that is what matters most to me.:)

I feel I am totally being long winded in this but I don't want to forget a thing. He wanted to get me in for his October cycle but it was the week my sister is getting married and the reception is at my house. We both decided that was too much stress and to do November. THEN the part that scared me. Our insurance. We have avoided coming into the office for a year now because my insurance does not cover maternity. We finally couldn't wait anymore and just said screw it let's just pay for all of it. My Dr. though had let me know that with the new Obama care apparently people who own small businesses like my husband WILL be allowed to have maternity coverage starting January. So....if I wait a FEW more months for the transfer I will be able to save at least 10 grand for the pregnancy and delivery. We are still calling our insurance tomorrow to see if there is ANY way to switch our lame plan we are on now so we can do the transfer in November but I highly doubt that will work. What's a few more months I guess right? So...for now the plan is to get ALL my testing done. He gave me a drug to start my way late period hopefully next week. I go in on Day one of my cycle and test my blood for a whole bunch of stuff, do an ultrasound to check how my ovaries are doing with cysts, an do a hysteroscopy. SO. Good news...I am getting started!!!!!!!!! The testing is only good six months- and it's expensive. So the reality is there is NO way we will not do this in the next few months!!!

This is a throwback of Deklan at a whopping 4 pounds- he was SO tiny and I hardly remember what to do with a newborn anymore :/

Monday, August 4, 2014

August 11th

It's a big day for me and the closer it get's the more nervous/excited I get. I'm not sure who all is following this blog anymore but the truth is I love this blog. I love being able to look back at my feelings throughout my pregnancy with Deklan, my whole in vitro process, the ups and downs, the miscarriage, and all the in betweens. So I've kept it. This is my honest place and I keep it that way so I can remember all I went through for each of these babies:) I don't blog a lot (I feel that may change here real soon :) August 11th is my FIRST appointment back with my infertility doctor. I am SO excited to see him again and start up the process with baby #2.

I am really nervous this time. I have tried to pretend I'm fine- but truth is I have heard so many situations of in vitro NOT working that I am starting to think Deklan was a lucky first try:/ I once again do NOT have anyone to talk to and am feeling pretty alone. At least I don't feel like anyone try's to understand my feelings. I get a lot of "You need to think positive." or "It worked the first time around so you need to think it will work again." I OF COURSE would LOVE to feel that way, but would love for someone to just say- it's OKAY to be scared. I know that must be hard. It doesn't matter if it worked last time I"M STILL SCARED. I think once these people have to pay 8 or 10 grand for every POSSIBILITY of having a baby maybe they will understand how scary it really is.

The positive in all this- I am excited at the possibility of having twins. First time around that scared me and now I feel ready for it :) We are putting in TWO embryos this time. We have a total of 7 frozen embryos right now. I am pretty sure my doctor is having us go through a month of testing first. He makes us retest every six months with fertility treatments. That's about $1,000 but it's the first step so I'm excited to take it. I'm just praying my body is ready. If all goes well with that we do about a month of drugs (lots of shots and injections- but not as much as last time thank goodness!) And the office wanted to do the transfer in October. My little sister is getting married in October and I'm, a little nervous this could get in the way. Unfortunately with in vitro you don't just pick a date for a transfer you really have to be at the office like three times a week and base it off what your body says. Last year my transfer date fell the DAY after my best friends wedding making things stressful and I am trying to avoid that all together this time if possible. So- either early October or early November will be the big transfer! All I can think about right now is how cute of a big brother Deklan will be! :):) we go round 2! FINALLY! Let's do this :)

In the mean time let's just say this toddler keeps me busy :)

this happens way too often...haha

this was our failed attempt at potty training :)

Monday, June 2, 2014

Test Tube Babies

It's funny how fast I feel guilty for writing a negative post like my last one. Truth is, I am very blessed and don't have a lot of room to complain. I live a good life (FAR from perfect but good)- My husband is a professional network marketer. He is really good at what he does. It has allowed him and I to be semi retired at this point. Basically we travel together and do meetings for groups of really cool people. And we make sure to always have fun wherever we go. It makes life busy but fun. Jonny is home to raise Deklan and I can't imagine it any other way now.

I have realized that with infertility you have good days and bad days like anything else. Bad days I hate all pregnant women and assume they have no problems in the universe (obviously not true) Simply because they had a cute round belly, or a sweet tiny baby in a stroller their life MUST be easier than mine. Those are the days I refuse to go to a baby shower because it just made me angry. What I learned after having Deklan is that I couldn't have been more wrong. Every journey is a hard one. Its full of hardships, setbacks, and obstacles that feel impossible. Those feelings seep in every now and again but truthfully they are usually under control. Having a crazy little toddler running around has made me understand that motherhood is amazing but it's hard work.

When my hormones DO get the best of me they remind me that I get to make babies the difficult way. When I say difficult I mean- legs up in stirrups in a white, quiet not to mention COLD room and a full bladder. All I can say is that I am GRATEFUL for modern medicine because without it we wouldn't have our son. I am reading a book right now on infertility from the famous Cindy Margolis, who had to do in vitro back when it wasn't necessarily accepted. It got me thinking to when I learned about this process back in highschool. Funny thing is I was always fascinated with ANYTHING about babies. I actually wrote a report about "test tube" babies and whether or not it was a moral thing to do. Little did I know that this would be MY method of getting pregnant. I would love to find what I wrote then and I am pretty sure it was a two sided paper.I had no clue what I was talking about then...but I do now.

While LOVE making (intimacy wise) is NOT how an in vitro baby is made- these babies are made with MORE LOVE  than one could imagine. It's a lot of work from BOTH partners equally, a lot of emotions, and a lot of hope. The one thing I know for sure is that these babies are still sent straight from heaven and are meant to go to certain families. Deklan is ours and to me is just like any other baby. I don't delete my negative posts because they are real. I try to be transparent and always will be. Plus it's a good reminder later on for me to see ALL of how I felt. The good, the bad, and the ugly :) Tonight I feel grateful.

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Gosh Darn PCOS

Holy cow is every person out there right now pregnant? Or maybe a baby is just the only thing on my mind as of late. I'm focusing on it. In terms of my nerves it's never a good thing to focus on one thing that hard. Especially something out of my control.

I prayed to not have any of the jealous feelings come back- but they are. I try to just ignore the problem but the truth is that I can't get pregnant the normal way. it's not happening. I decided to do some research on PCOS being that it's been a few years and maybe just maybe there was some new treatment out there for me. Reading all of the symptoms and what it can cause later on in life just had me fuming. I can't help but get angry that my body doesn't work. I TRY so hard to remember that it could be much worse, and there are so many people out there with worse problems- but it's still hard. 

I thought maybe this could be easy this time. My imagination still wishes I could magically take a test with two lines, and find some exciting way to share the news with my husband and then family. I guess the whole- heading back to a Dr.s office where a microscope is put straight on my woman parts is not ideal.

My symptoms of PCOS are back in full force right now for some reason...a nice massive large cyst on my left ovary that hurts all the time. What I am realizing is that my body is out of wack right now and needs some attention. As much as I want to rush into the Dr.s office for baby #2 RIGHT NOW, I need to nourish my body and soul to move forward. That and I am still stuck waiting on an insurance situation. While I wait (fingers crossed its soon) I am going to try to workout and eat better (UGH) I know I need to and have been avoiding it. Sorry for the unload of negative feelings. Gotta get them out somewhere. 

And on a positive note- Deklan is my bright spot in life no matter what. :) He just turned TWO and is the sweetest boy ever. If ALL else fails I do feel blessed to have this perfect little man around. We just got back from our ten year anniversary trip to Europe and here are some of the photos :)

Monday, February 24, 2014

Tips for Surviving Infertility

As I was trying to give my sister some advice it got me thinking back to my feelings of the beginning of infertility. I was thinking WHAT could I say to myself back then that could possibly be helpful with the knowledge I have now. So I came up with a few tips that I WISH someone would have explained to me when I was truly in the thick of it all. If I could even help one person out there with ONE of these tips then it would be worth taking the time to write it. When doing some research I found a blog post that wrote JUST what I was looking for. HERE is the original post I found - I am
 just adding to it some of my thoughts and experience.

1. Do your homework

I didn’t realize how little I knew about fertility until I was faced with infertility. You may know the basics of the birds-and-bees, but do you really understand the finer points of reproduction? Do you know what fertility treatments actually involve? There are so many fabulous resources.I can't tell you the amount of hours I spent doing research online. The more educated I was the more in tune with my body I felt. I suggest you start by seeking out a few credible, trustworthy resources and learn as much as you can. Some of my favorites are:
#infertility. I am so close, though .... each day gets harder ...

2. Seek out community

Infertility is more common that we think, but it can still be difficult to find others in your life who are willing to openly discuss it. You must be intentional about getting to know other people who have experienced it. If you don’t know of anyone in your “real life,” the internet is full of wonderful infertility communities. Do a Google search for “Infertility blogs” or “infertility forums” and you’ll find many wonderful sites. Or, check out some of the blogs of the wonderful women (and a few men!) who leave comments on my site. I have met some AMAZING friends online. Now that I know these women so well it feels strange I met them through my blog. This is the one thing in the beginning I WISH I would have had and didn't. Having a place to truly vent to people who understood was the best therapy for me. If you don't feel comfortable make up a name and start a blog- you don't have to use your true fact a lot of people don't and that's okay. The most important thing is to connect. 

Own your life. You've come a long way. Your story can make a difference in another person's journey.

3. Be patient with yourself

As cliche as it sounds, infertility is a journey. We don’t know how our infertility will be resolved, and we don’t know how long it will take. For some people, a few pills fix everything; others face years of IVF, surrogacy, or adoption. It’s easier said than done, but try be patient with the process and patient with yourself. It's okay to feel sad or have an off day. Give yourself credit and know that you are doing your best. I know I went through phases where moments I was angry and bitter and others I was sad and depressed and had no where to turn. Own those feelings and find ways to move forward. 

16 months and counting...Another disappointing day so sad/frustrating/disappointing seeing that negative test every month..ALMOST makes you just wanna give up!! #infertility #ttc

4. Try not to let it define you

Remember, you are going through the experience of infertility. You may be currently infertile in the sense that you cannot bear children, but the situation may only be temporary. And even if you never give birth, you are not an infertile being. You still have the ability to be fruitful in other areas of your life: your career, your marriage, your relationships, your faith, or your creative pursuits. Take this time to get to know yourself. Everyone does this differently.

 For me I had what I called a "self care" box. I still use this today when it's needed. On one of my better days I wrote a letter to myself reminding me that I'm going to get through this. I'm strong, I'm important, and beautiful. This may sound cheesy but on my lowest days these affirmations helped. In this "box" I had the letter, a put in there bubble bath stuff, stuff for a facial, a yummy recipe I wanted to try, scrapbooking stuff, cleaning supplies, scriptures, a good book, a funny movie, and ANYTHING I could think of that would help pull me out of a funk. I would do one or maybe ALL of these things to help make me feel better. 

SWEAR this helped! DO IT!!!

Infertility acceptance.

5. Improve your health

If you’re struggling with infertility, you’re likely spending lots of money and time trying to conceive. Make sure that investment isn’t going to waste and get yourself into the best physical shape you can. This doesn’t mean you need to start going to the gym every day if you haven’t been going at all. You don’t have to go vegan and eat only raw veggies. But take some common-sense steps to improve your health (which may also help you improve your emotions). Some simple ideas are limiting your caffeine and alcohol intake (if you drink), making sure you get enough sleep, cutting back on processed foods, and things like that. I know that this can be overwhelming and LOTS of work, but getting in shape and eating right (at least the basics) not only helps your body and mind prepare for pregnancy- it also get's your dopamine levels up and helps you to be happy. :) Again though remembering to ENJOY life and create balance. None of these things should be your only focus. The whole point of this post is to ENJOY the journey to the best of your ability.

 (A side note on this topic:  I never really tried yoga but have heard that has helped lots of girls with releasing bad energy and feelings- some have even said meditation is worth a try. I might give it a go this time around and let you know how it goes)

Too funny!!  Infertility sucks.

6. Don’t deprive yourself

Adding to my last comment. Be careful not to deny yourself pleasure or enjoyment in the name of improving your health. Have a piece of dark chocolate after a healthy dinner. Have a piece of pizza and follow it with a salad and an apple. Infertility it hard enough on its own; don’t make it worse by cutting out the things you enjoy. I remember for YEARS I wouldn't go in the Jacuzzi in fear that I "could" be pregnant. It literally drove me crazy to always live in fear I was going to screw things up. I'm here to tell you that doesn't work. You need to take care of yourself by ENJOYING what you can of your life. Out of all these tips this is the one I wish I could have told myself years ago. Every person dealing with infertility hates to hear it. Being calm won't make you get pregnant...but it will help you enjoy the time you are waiting a lot more. The one thing I hate ALMOST as bad as infertility- is the years that it stole from my life. Don't let that happen to you! Trust me it's not worth it. 

What I wouldn't give for a little morning sickness. #infertility

7. Don’t let others tell you how to feel

One of the most frustrating things about infertility is that people will often tell you how to feel. “Don’t worry about it. It’ll happen if it’s supposed to.” Or, “Don’t be too upset about your miscarriage. It was so early and it happens to a lot of people.” As well-intentioned as those comments may be, they hurt and they’re not helpful. It’s not necessary to respond rudely to those kinds of comments, but don’t take them to heart. Your experience is valid and your feelings are valid. Don’t let anyone tell you how or how long you should grieve.  

Of course it is #ohip4ivf #onpoli

8. Cultivate other interests.

Infertility has the potential to be all-consuming, so try to develop some outside interests. Your hobbies can provide a healthy distraction and keep you from becoming too focused on your struggles. Read books, take up painting, watch an entire TV series on Netflix, learn a foreign language- just do something!


9. Nurture your relationship with your significant other

Infertility will either bring you closer together or put significant strain on your relationship. Do everything you can do nurture your relationship. Recognize that each of you may process the experience and express your emotions differently. Be intentional about spending time together and doing the things you enjoyed before you started trying to conceive. After all is said and done your husband will always be your best friend if you allow it. 

Infertility, IVF making marriage stronger through trials

10. Get professional help if you’re struggling

None of this is easy. Each of these ten commandments can be intensely difficult and it’s not good to do it alone. Don’t be afraid to find help from a therapist, counselor, or clergy member. Find someone else to talk to if they tell you “Just relax.” Ask your doctor or friends for referrals, and ask about sliding scale fees if finances are an issue. I am not afraid to say that my husband and I spent a lot of hours in counseling both as a couple and separately to help us to work through this together. To this day the tips and tools we learned are priceless. Don't be ashamed to get help. 

AMEN!  If I had a nickel for every time someone told me this, I could pay all of my infertility doctor bills!  HA!   Infertility is a disease... just like diabetes or cancer. #infertility #pcos #knowthefacts

I would LOVE to hear if this was helpful. Also I would love to hear what has helped you out during the most difficult of times. Or for those that have dealt with this for a long time- what would you say to yourself in the beginning of all this if you could now with your experience? This is a lifelong journey for so many of us. Writing these has helped me to reevaluate what I can do today to help enjoy my time while I work on baby number two. :) 

Hopefully this doesn't come across as - DO THIS and you will get pregnant too...or DON'T DO THIS or nothing you try will work. Truth is- every journey is different- and I had to learn a lot of this on my own the hard way to gain experience. Hopefully one or two of these though are helpful to some of you over time. 

You are not crazy. Infertility makes us feel and think things that others consider obsessive and crazy.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

An infertile WITH a baby.

Last week my family and I were lucky enough to spend the whole week at Disney world together. Holy crazy toddler though the flights there and back with Deklan were MISERABLE to say the least. Our flight got cancelled which led to a redeye flight. Deklan NOT sleeping on an overnight flight was crazy town. Any tips of flying with toddlers would be helpful at this point. The hard thing is that he flies with us a lot. And EVERY time is a different experience with him. Some better than others obviously. 

On another note while I was on this trip I was getting texts from my baby sister who is also trying to pregnant right now. My dream would be for us to both be pregnant together but unfortunately her and I BOTH are dealing with infertility right now. I've said it before and I'll say it again- dealing with infertility is the hardest trial I have had to deal with in life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Honestly. Feeling like your body is failing you hurts A LOT. It makes you feel isolated. Crazy fact I learned though...apparently 2 % of ALL babies now are IN VITRO babies!!! Can you believe it? Is it me or is it more common now that people are struggling? I hate this. On one hand you don't feel so alone and on the other you hate for anyone to feel that same type of hurt you have been through. I feel like a whole new strange catergorie now though. Yes I am still infertile. Yes I WAS truly blessed with my miracle baby but I STILL had to do invitro to get there. And I have been dealing with infertility since. I HATE that my baby sister is having to go through this now. She has been married almost two years...not long. But hasn't really ever been on any birth control. She has been deathly afraid of dealing with this issue and now here she is right at the beginning of it. It brings up so many emotions to think of the beginning of my process. How alone I felt. I didn't have a blog and I had NO IDEA anyone else was dealing with this same issue. I had no one to talk to. And I felt like people thought I was just an angry person...because I was. I'm grateful that I have never ever gone back to feeling that low as I did in the beginning. Deklan has changed my life forever but also THIS community of women has done that as well. I KNOW how to deal with my feelings now. I DO get a twinge of jealousy as others announce their pregnancy- but I can be happy for them as well. My goal in writing is to continue to reach out to others in this hard spot. There IS hope. Unfortunately not every person brings home a baby. Or maybe it's be doing adoption (the most amazing selfless act anyone can do.) You can get through this and be happy though. Before I got pregnant with Deklan or even started in vitro I learned that. I met some amazing friends dealing with the same thing that got me through this. IF you are angry...or sad, or don't know what to do, REACH OUT. It WILL help ease some of the pain. I hate that my baby sister has to go through this but I ams so glad she has someone who has gone through it to at least guide her and let her vent. First thing I told her was to get to know you amazing ladies. So THANK YOU to all of you for being my rock. You have no idea how much each and every one of you have left your mark on me and given me inspiration when I needed it most. I will continue to read your blogs and get uplifted as I go through round here we go. :) P.s I am curious to all you in vitro moms out there how and WHEN you plan on telling your children how they were conceived?? Strange question I know but lately I wonder if Deklan will feel "different" from finding out he was kinda sorta created in a lab...obviously with lots of love as well. Just curious...:)


Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Deklan's Day...

Unfortunately I am super sick today and can't sleep. Hence I am posting at 3:30 am in the morning. :) A good friend of ours is a videographer (and a super talented one at that) and he started a year ago making videos for kids. I loved the idea and hired him to do one for Deklan. It's finally done and we love it! Deklan loves it even more! :) Thought I'd share. Hope everyone is a better week than mine...:( womp womp womp.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

I'm back! :)

I took a little hiatus from the blogging world and to be honest it was pretty nice! I decided to get back onto this blog because of us beginning our journey for baby number 2. Or possibly baby number 2 AND 3. I love being able to go back and re read what I went through the first time around. Plus writing lets me vent some of my pain out. I am still struggling with infertility. NO being pregnant with Deklan didn't "fix" me. I was shocked by how many of us that dealt with infertility together are pregnant with number 2 or even 3 by now! Sheesh has it been THAT long?! 

Deklan is going to be 2 in May. All the sudden I'm getting "the question" all over again and it's starting to sting. When are you trying for the next one? Well, I never QUIT trying. In fact I've never been on birth control after Deklan. I also haven't been necessarily "trying." I haven't had a period in 4-5 months and we all know you can't get pregnant with out that. 

My goal is to do in vitro again this year. I now am pretty certain there is no other way for us to get pregnant. I'm super nervous this time around. Maybe because I have no idea how this works with "frozen" embryos or what to expect in terms of chances of this actually working. I'm nervous of failing and then figuring out what to do from there. Deklan deserves siblings. I want that for our family. 

Honestly for MOST of the time pregnancy announcements weren't bothering me. I started to feel the "infertile" in me again a few months ago. Right now we are on a stand still because of our insurance. I hate that I have NO control over how long this will take to figure out. For now I am just snuggling Deklan real tight. He is my best bud! (other than my husband of course! :) 

I am excited to catch up on all of your blogs again! I've missed this amazing group of women and having girls who understand! And here are a few updated pictures of my little man for now :):)