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Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Happy World Breastfeeding Week :) A little late...

I had read a few amazing blog posts during the ACTUAL world breast feeding week just a bit ago and thought I would share. (This girl  is an amazing photographer and wrote some REALLY good posts about breastfeeding I loved! Go check em out- isn't this shot she took beautiful??!)

©ten22 studio (This one I found floating around facebook but LOVED the realness of the post.

Isn't this image so true?? haha!

 I thought I would share MY feelings on breastfeeding as well. I am a strong supporter of "whatever works best for you, is the right choice." Funny thing is before I had Deklan I NEVER could understand why you would choose NOT to breastfeed your baby. You women who chose to breastfeed are super moms...but SO are the women who pump, or chose to formula feed your baby. Truth is, the most important thing is that both mom and baby are happy.

My VERY first experience with breastfeeding was minutes after D was born. I knew without a doubt that I WANTED to breastfeed with D. He was born 5 weeks early which made things very complicated to say the least. Minutes after D was born one of the nurses placed him on my chest and immediately tried to help my tiny 4 pound son to latch. He actually DID latch but nothing came out. My milk didn't come in. Being that I FORCED my body into labor 5 weeks early to keep him safe, things didn't go according to plan. The nurse said he did amazing for his first time, not to worry, she was going to feed him in the niccu with a bottle, and we will keep trying. At the time I was loopy, tired, excited about my baby boy, and NERVOUS about how tiny he was. At that point I decided to do whatever the nurses told me to make sure he gained some weight. After an hour or so of being cleaned up they let me go see him in the niccu. The nurses sat me down and gave me lots of rules. When to see him, touch him, feed him, who can see him, NOT to talk to him and play with him because he needed to reserve all energy for feeding. So I complied. After the rules I felt like I was being watched like a hawk by these he was THEIR baby and I was a visitor. I was scared to touch him, kiss him, sing to him, or even say a word. It was quiet in there. All you could here was the beeping noises from all the machines. It was uncomfortable. They decided I needed to pump A LOT to get my milk in and then feed him that in a bottle so they could see he was getting enough fluid. He lost weight right away to less than 4 pounds, and wasn't eating at all. He would tire out so fast and never wanted anything to do with it. I cried a lot in the hospital and looked like a zombie. Finally I decided that I was this little boys mom and he NEEDED ME. So I was in there all the time. I spent three hours with him on my chest and THAT DAY he started to eat. He finally after a week was eating enough where he could go home. The day before I went home I asked them to try to help me breastfeed but he wasn't latching properly and it was too hard of work for him at that point. So I kept trying at home.

Each feeding...every three hours I would pump a little but not too much so I wasn't too engorged, attempt a latch, cry from frustration, pump for thirty minutes more, clean the parts, THEN bottle feed my baby. It was AWFUL. And ALL. DAY. LONG. After about 4 months of pumping and attempting breastfeeding, including having a specialist come to my house, I finally quit. I was feeling SO inadequate at this time and depressed that I couldn't even enjoy the sweet new baby I had. Even after I quit I felt guilty. Every time I would get the question if I was breastfeeding it weighed on me. The day I decided to LET GO all that guilt went away. I OWNED the fact that I was formula feeding my baby and it was the best solution for him to gain weight. And it was OKAY to not be breastfeeding. Deklan was healthy, I was healthy, and I felt like a new person. I would LOVE for things to run smoothly for me the next time I get pregnant. But I have NO idea what will happen. I WILL say that women who pump are SUPER moms!!! IT WAS NOT EASY! Women who breast feed their baby's are super moms! And women who formula feed are ALSO super moms! Whatever your choice is, own it, and just enjoy those precious months with your little ones! Happy Breastfeeding week a little late :)

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Every Girl Needs a Place to Vent...right?! Just Keepin it Real Folks!

Although being a mom, ESPECIALLY after dealing with infertility is amazing, we all still have those days that can be trying. Having a one year old I feel like I am on the go all day long. The other day after Deklan decided to eat the moss in my plants for the millionth time, I got frustrated, put him down for is nap to get some me time. About an hour later Jonny says BRITT I thought I asked you to clean up the moss DAYS ago. I love this man but almost flipped a lid. I said I DID- he did this AGAIN, and has done this SEVERAL times since you last saw this. Jonny, being a man and all and clearly having NO clue what it's like taking care of a one year old on a constant basis said, Britt you gotta just watch him closer than. this man, but wanted to break down in that very moment. I couldn't do it all. That was apparant. Don't get me wrong ladies, my husband is a GREAT father...and a great husband at that...but in this instance....he was wrong. I had to take a chill pill before responding to him, but seriously had to explain to him that I am doing the best I can...and to be VERY careful with his words. haha! 

Here is Deklan eating the moss...guess I should move my plants off the ground....ugh.

Found this on facebook and loved it. Thought I would share. 

For the days we are running on empty. For the days we just don't think we have it in us to read one more story, play one more game of Uno, wash one more round of sheets. For the days when we think everyone else has it together. For the days we're sure anyone else would do this job better.

For those days. You know the ones.

Repeat after me:

1. I shall not judge my house, my kid's summer activities or my crafting skills by Pinterest's standards.

2. I shall not measure what I've accomplished today by the loads of unfolded laundry but by the assurance of deep love I've tickled into my kids.

3. I shall say yes to blanket forts and see past the chaos to the memories we're building.

4. I shall surprise my kids with trips to get ice cream when they're already in their pajamas.

5. I shall not compare myself to other mothers but find my identity in the God who trusted me with these kids in the first place.

6. I shall remember that a messy house at peace is better than an immaculate house tied up in knots.

7. I shall play music loudly and teach my kids the joy of wildly uncoordinated dance.

8. I shall remind myself that perfect is simply a street sign at the intersection of impossible and frustration in Never Never land.

9. I shall embrace the fact that in becoming a mom I traded perfect for a house full of real.

10. I shall promise to love this body that bore these three children out loud, especially in front of my daughter.

11. I shall give my other mother friends the gift of guilt-free friendship.

12. I shall do my best to admit to my people my unfine moments.

13. I shall say sorry when sorry is necessary.

14. I pray God I shall never be too proud, angry or stubborn to ask for my children's forgiveness.

15. I shall make space in my grown-up world for goofball moments with my kids.

16. I shall love their father and make sure they know I love him.

17. I shall model kind words to kids and grown-ups alike.

18. I shall not be intimidated by the inside of my minivan this season of chip bags, goldfish crackers and discarded socks too shall pass.

19. I shall always make time to encourage new moms.

20. I shall not resent that last call for kisses and cups of water but remember instead that when I blink they'll all be in college.

... with love from one tired mother to another.

Editor's note: This piece was found by Becky Lisle, written by Lisa-Jo Baker and originally appeared on her blog, but I LOVE it and needed it and thought you might to.

And just cause here are a few pics of what we have been up to...a. DAILY swim lessons for this boy to get ISR certified.

Sitting in his new big boy car seat! He got his ONE YEAR stats today and is in the 15th percentile now for weight and height...much better than 3 % like last time :) 18 and a half pounds!!

Enjoying his birthday presents...

Into everything at church

And husband is a little clueless at times but he's a great dad :)

And you can see all his birthday details on my personal blog- but he was spoiled rotten for sure :) I wouldn't trade a moment of this crazy "moss- eating" life for anything :)

Monday, April 29, 2013

Being a Mom (With a Year Experience)

Deklan turns ONE this Friday. I honestly don't know where time went. It flew. I wrote a two whole posts ALL about Deklan on my family blog HERE and HERE. This post though is about what I have learned this past year- maybe to help a few of you soon to be moms out there, and maybe to give myself a reminder later on down the road. :) Few things to remember:

Being a mom is hard work.

Not as hard as WANTING to be a mom with every ounce of your body though. I still remember what that feels like. However, I have moments like every mom out there does where you want to pawn your child off for a few precious moments for some alone time. At one years old Deklan is into EVERYTHING. And I do mean everything. Toilets, plugs, bugs, plants, and pulling out every toy in his toy box over and over again just for the heck of it.

There is A LOT of GUILT that comes with being a mom. You feel guilty for not spending enough quality time with your baby when you don't, or spoiling them to the point where they won't go to anyone else when you do. Guilt comes with the food you feed them, you feel guilty when they get sick, and when they get hurt. Holy moly I am the queen of guilt. Although this morning I was on youtube and saw this news report of a sweet baby girl named Briana who was brutally murdered by her mother, uncle, AND grandpa in New Mexico. I balled ALL morning and held Deklan so tight. I tried to remember that I do the best I can. The one thing I can look back and know for sure is that HE KNOWS I LOVE HIM. That boy knows I am obsessed. I kiss and love on him all day. Regardless guilt does seap in. Be patient and kind to yourself and know that you're doing your best. Your children WILL get hurt. You can't raise them in a bubble.

Another thing- once you get the hang of things THEY CHANGE IT UP ON YOU. They are changing SO fast there is no way to stop it!

Dealt with this one A LOT : People will always want to judge your parenting skills. Guess what? It doesn't matter!! YOU are the parent now! That feels strange sometimes but it feels good to know that it doesn't matter that Aunt Susie thinks you shouldn't feed your baby a bite of ice cream- YOU choose! So LET IT GO when they decide to give input. It doesn't do any good to hold onto that frustrating feeling.

Last and MOST importantly being a mom is THE most rewarding job in the world. Knowing your baby loves you unconditionally kinda makes you melt. Every giggle, smile, and snuggle makes every hard thing worth it. I can't wait to see what this year has in store for our little family of three.

P.s. He LOVES cake. :) That's all.

Thursday, April 25, 2013

On Reaching Out

I got asked by a friend to write a guest post about my story and my experience with infertility. She also asked other friends to post THEIR story to help promote awareness this week to infertility. Go check these stories out. They are a beacon of hope in all the darkness. I can't stress enough the importance of   relationships in all of this. Through my blog I have met real life long friends. I have even gotten to meet two of them and their miracle babies. At one point none of us were sure if babies would ever be in the picture. And now we are amazed by every movement they make.

I FIANLLY got to meet Aubrey and her adorable baby Brinley. Deklan and Brinley were insta- friends :)

The blog feature of Deklan is HERE. Hope that some of these stories Aubrey shared can help you as well. :) So far there is a success story of infertility to twins, Deklan, and a family hoping to adopt. Hopefully it can help give some encouragement. :)

Monday, April 22, 2013

National Infertility Awareness Week

I decided to keep this blog. I may not have a lot of readers now but we will be doing in vitro round two all over again soon and I would love to be able to still write my experience in a safe place. I feel safe here.

 As many of you know it's National Infertility Awareness Week. If you have never struggled with infertility, or even if you have, it's an important reminder to be aware of those around you. Chances are that someone close to you is struggling with this very issue. They may not be as public as I am about it though. 1 in 8 couples struggle with this very sensitive trial. Remember that infertility is a form of grief. You grieve for the baby that you may never have the chance of meeting. If you are struggling with infertility and have no one to talk to. BE KIND TO YOURSELF. It's okay to feel sad. It's normal to feel hurt and alone. Most importantly YOU ARE NOT ALONE. The best thing I did for myself was to build this community of like minded friends. has SO many great articles and ways to relate to others dealing with this very issue. I have posted this before and I will post it again. Here is some great tips to remember when dealing with someone who is struggling with infertility. Rules or etiquette to live by:

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lessen the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Love all of these! Sending good vibes and baby dust to ALL of you are trying for your miracle baby! 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

Not sure anyone is still reading.

I am debating on what I should do with this blog...keep it, make it private, or just get rid of it all together. I do LOVE an outlet for infertility- and I LOVE my friends I have made along the way. If you guys are still reading this please let me know!!! That sounds super annoying I know! Just not sure what to keep on- or if I should simplify things. Simple sounds better...but not everyone likes to hear about my fertility dealings and cycle problems I'm sure.

 Well for those reading- I am feeling SO much better today. Been running all week and eating better. I am already feeling my energy come back. Plus watching some of you discuss baby number 2 gets me excited!! :) Still thinking 6 months- but again- I am excited to feel "that" again! This a face makes me excited for what the next one will look like :) Okay quick mamma question too- when do you ladies start potty training. I am figuring this is a ways away for me but I read something crazy online of people starting when they are SUPER young! What the? I can't imagine Deklan understanding something so complex!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

This Month

This month was the month I SHOULD have brought home baby #2. It's a strange feeling. I wonder what this baby would be like, what life would be with this little one around. I wonder what happens to their tiny spirits when they don't make it very far like this one. I have decided to not focus on getting pregnant right now. I'm not NOT trying obviously- but timing everything just makes me a little crazy. It brings back bad feelings for me- and makes me realize how much my body doesn't work on this end of things. My cycles are back to being screwy, my weight is up, and I am feeling pain on my ovaries A LOT. Brief way to put it- PCOS is back in full force. Instead of focusing on my pcos my focus will be on health. I want to get as healthy as I can before I try to do in vitro again. I'm SO super nervous to do in vitro again because I feel like with frozen embryos it's a lower chance of working. EEK! So- I got myself a running partner in crime. We both had babies this past year and want to get in shape- PERFECT! I am guessing we will want to look at doing another round in maybe 6 months. I am excited to GET excited about all this again. Right now I don't feel that- so I know it's not time. I want to just enjoy my time with Deklan right now. This time no crazy crash dieting- just life changes. It's hard to do with traveling but totally possible. we go. I am doing lots of updates with pictures on the other blog! :) We have been BUSY! Hope everyone had a good Easter!!!

Friday, March 8, 2013

Nine Days Past...ugh

I am nine days past my cycle today. ugh. starting to hate this PCOS thing all over again. Cramps, skin breaking out, and achy boobs for days before starting. And no end in sight! For a brief moment last night I thought MAYBE I should take a test. My mind plays crazy tricks on me now. I tested. Negative. Just waiting for aunt flo to show it's ugly face. It could have been the stress this past week. I spent the last five days at the ICU with Deklan. I won't go into details here because I wrote about them on my family blog. He caught the Rotavirus at Disneyland. BAD. It was the scariest thing I have ever been through. If you don't know about the Rotavirus please check it out- and be careful at places like Disney. You can click HERE to
read about it. He lost a lot of weight, but is SO much better now.

I also have his ten month updates HERE. He is 100 percent back to my crazy little boy I love so much. Going through this experience made me appreciate every moment with him that much more. This boy made me a mom. He changed me in so many ways. You soften up. And I love it. :) I love spending everyday with my little man.

Any suggestions ladies that YOU do to get aunt flo to come along?? Back when we were with the fertility dr he would prescribe progesterone pills- I haven't gone back to him though yet. I need to get back into some of the natural stuff again. Thanks ladies. :) Hope some of you are having better luck in that department!

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Recent Happenings

Sorry for the lengthy time between posts! I am officially moved into my new house now (still lots of boxes to go through), went on our FIRST trip to Disneyland with Deklan (we are now PROUD annual pass members!), and Deklan and I are BOTH sick right now! UGH. Disney land is magical...and full of germs. Actually I went to a business meeting with my husband the night before Disney land, and the lady who invited us has a one year old little girl who was SUPER sick. THANK you for the kind welcome gift. Seriously it just me or is it RIDICULOUS to invite a baby over and forget to include their child is sick. Maybe I'm overprotective but it sort of ruined our trip to Disney land and for that matter ruined our week.  Sorry for the rant...just annoyed. We got in SOME time at Disney land but we did leave a day early because of Deklan being sick. I would be FURIOUS if I didn't have passes this year to come back as much as we want. Okay rant over. Other than that I have to say it was pretty magical bringing Deklan to Disneyland. This is something Jonny and I had dreamed of for so long and even though Deklan may not remember it...we will!!! Unfortunatley these were just my instagram pictures from my phone- I will post the better quality pictures on my other blog when I get around to loading them over. :)

As far as everything else goes...aunt flow should be here tomorrow. I have kind of lost hope of the idea of getting pregnant on my own though. I never went back for another ultrasound to check on my cyst since the pain went away. It never ruptured though it's either just slowly going away or hidden somewhere ready to pop. I haven't felt it for a while thank goodness! Thank you for all your sweet thoughts! I recently added a few of you on facebook and instagram which has been so fun to get to know you better :) If you would like to add me here I am:
Brittytash is my instagram name :)

Although I guess we should be careful of crazy stalkers after what happened to our fellow blogger friend !! Still SO crazy! Okay here are a few instagram pics of the trip! :)

 Had to take this from the bathroom- BEST INVENTION EVER! Please ignore the no socks- this boy threw them off while sitting there! :)

p.s if you are reading this TTC Baby E email me at I can't see your blog anymore :( I hope you are okay and am SO SO sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost my dad just a few years ago and am still heart broken. It's the hardest thing to go through- email me if you need anything girl! Sending you LOTS of love and prayers xoxoxo

Sunday, January 13, 2013

So Frustrating.

I forgot all about this part. The annoying part of your body not doing what it's supposed to. I'm not pregnant obviously, which is fine because I don't expect it to be fast this time around. I forgot about the frustrating part of not knowing what the heck is going on with your body. Before I got pregnant I had A LOT of issues with cysts rupturing, very LARGE ones at that. My body wasn't releasing the eggs properly, instead it would keep it and grow a massive painful cyst in it's place, I had ones literally the size of grapefruits that the pain was WORSE than childbirth when they ruptured. Granted I got an epidural when I was barley dialated, but I had to FORCE my body into labor overnight which wasn't easy. I am pretty sure I had one while I was on my cruise a few months ago rupture, just a smaller one, and now I have another one. I am pretty sure it's a larger one. My stomach is SO bloated that I swear you can see one side of my stomach look larger from the outside. I called my fertility specialist which I haven't seen since I was newly pregnant. I am excited to see him, but nervous at the same time. It throws me back into that world of having an RE again. I hate feeling so icky. I can literally feel it throb EVERY step I take- not horrible unbearable pain but ANNOYING pain. Really awful moving during all of this. This is what it looks like on a diagram.

It's awful. Some of you had to go through OHSS like I did with in vitro. Oh my gosh, it's THE WORST. This reminds me of all that awful stuff from in vitro I forgot about and put in the back of my mind. It makes the thought of being pregnant again or doing in vitro very scary and not so enticing. UGH. PLEASE go away cyst. And Don't come back another day. Meanwhile this guy is taking good care of me. :)

And same with this guy. p.s he learned to crawl!!!! Doesn't he look thrilled about it?! :)

Friday, January 4, 2013

Post Partum Part two

I am moving in ONE week and found the billion tiny bottles we used for Deklan when he first came home from the hospital. It kind of hurt my heart to think about the struggles I went through trying SO hard to breast feed for two months straight. I literally was feeding this baby ALL DAY LONG. It was such a process. First I had to pump, clean the pump, attempt Deklan on the boob with the nipple sheild, deal with a very angry baby, then finally give him a bottle of the pumped milk. By the time this process was done I was starting all over again. On top of that he wasn't eating enough. I remember feeding him 20-30 ml of milk (less than ONE ounce!) in the beginning and it would take a HALF HOUR just for that. He was too sleepy to even stay awake for a feeding. It was all so scary.  Made me feel crazy. Things are SO SO much better now, so I thought it would be a good time to  update on how things are going with the post partum. I was reading about a fellow infertile blogger now mom who is dealing with postpartum like I did. If you didn't read when I posted that, you can HERE.

 I struggled A LOT the first two months Deklan was here. I was pretty hard on myself. You really have NO way to truly prepare yourself for motherhood. Dealing with infertility you just assume once the baby is here you WILL BE HAPPY. I just for the record want to say for those soon to be moms out there, or very new moms that THIS DOES CHANGE in most cases. Things do calm down and it's totally normal to feel a little nuts in the beginning. (Maybe even a lot nuts!) When you bring a tiny human into this life, or adopt a child, or however you get your baby, you feel A LOT of responsibility as a parent. It's scary. All the sudden this other perfect little person needs you to survive. That's a lot to handle. You can't just give the baby back when your scared. This child is ALL YOURS! I also always heard how as a mom you naturally know what to do all the time. You don't instantly know your baby and it takes time to get to know them and what they need to be soothed.

Now that Deklan is 8 months old things are so different. If you would like to read his 8 month update you can HERE. The post partum was completely gone when he was about 3 months old I would say. Obviously I have days still when I feel inadequate, or frustrated, or like my job isn't that important. MOST days are amazing. Most days I am in complete awe of this amazing little boy and feel so proud to be his mama. Like I sid, I think it's natural to have moments of insecurities  but seriously as a new mom, or mom to be there is SO MUCH to look forward to. If you are not pregnant yet READ about the first yeat of what to expect- I wish I had!

Hopefully I am not rambeling too much here- my point of this post is to help those moms who DO have those feelings to know it's normal and it usually goes away. :) I finally posted pictures of Deklan's nursery so here are a few.

You can view more pics of his nursery HERE.

 I had a massive migrain today so my hubby took over and cared for our baby boy all day today. I caught him putting him into his bed after letting him fall asleep on his chest. Melted my heart. SO grateful for these two boys in my life. :)