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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Truth About PostPartum

It's hard. No one really ever told me this. Or maybe it never registered. I am going to be brutally honest here- so if you are struggling with infertility you may not want to read. Just a warning because I honestly HATED reading about complaints when women had a baby!! What more could a person possibly want than a precious child of their own? Trust me I HATE that I feel like this- I am hoping that maybe support from other moms might help on this matter.

Deklan will be a month old this week- the days have all kind of blended together so it feels like it's been days...really LONG days. Deklan is perfect! He is more perfect and sweet and lovable than I ever even expected. So why in the world am I struggling?? My hormones have never served me well- pre pregnancy, during pregnancy, so why would they after pregnancy? My husband said my demeanor has been off. That hurts. I don't want to be sad- and I don't understand why I would be. I am so incredibly blessed right now. I am EXACTLY where I wanted to be for SO SO LONG. I have an amazing husband who has honestly done MORE than his fair share with taking care of the baby- he has been home with me for a MONTH. He takes half of the night shifts even so I can ATTEMPT to get some sleep. I have a healthy, sweet, adorable baby. One that I tried for SO LONG for! I am a stay at home mommy and have a home and everything I could possibly need. My guess for the blues...feeling inadequate. This feeling ALWAYS creeps in. Before it was for not being able to conceive and now- it's not being a good enough mommy. I haven't cooked one meal since I have been home...not lying. I can't keep up with the household chores- hence the need for a house cleaner every 2 weeks, and probably where most of these feelings are coming from...I can't breast feed for the life of me. No super mommy going on over here.

 It's the question every person asks the moment they see your new little one...are you breastfeeding? Goodness- it feels about as bad as the "Do you have kids question!" I feel awful to answer no. With Deklan coming so early he was forced onto the bottle for a week in the niccu. They did this to judge how much he was taking in (making sure he got enough calories) For the past month I pump ALL. THE. TIME. It feels like it consumes me. I am pumping constantly. I still try him "on the breast" daily- but he hates it. I feel like I missed something. Maybe that bond between mom and baby that happens the first week of life. The nurses in the niccu took care of him more than I did. I hate that. I will keep trying but goodness- a whole month of pumping and NO REAL breast feeding can ware on you. Then I feel guilty for not eating the right stuff or getting the right amount of sleep. It's overwhelming how much you love your child and want the best for them. When you are not filling all of those responsibilities to the BEST of your abilities- you...or may I rephrase that "I" feel guilty.

As well, I have been a working lady for a long time. I am not used to not getting up, getting dressed, having a social life outside of the house, and getting praised for a job well done. I feel like my husband cares for Deklan better than I do. I thought everything would come so naturally for me and it didn't. With him being so tiny I was afraid to touch him the first few days he was here and than had to learn everything from the nurses in terms of diapers, feedings, baths, and schedules. This is all new to me. It's the biggest change I have had in my life for sure, and it's overwhelming! SO- I am going to try to get myself back into shape and feeling "myself again." I am going to snuggle my baby more than ever- because he does make me feel better, and try to reach out to family and friends ore. Hopefully this will help. Has anyone else dealt with this after infertility, or just in general? Needing some advice- and goodness- I need to get out of the house apparently! Time to get life back in order- as much as I possibly can at least! And please please don't take this post wrong- I am SO incredibly grateful for this experience to be a mom. I really am! Just overwhelmed with the responsibilities that come along with and trying to work through that. Those feeling plus no sleep, and an add in of "first time parent anxiety" is never a good mix either. :)

P.S I just need to add that I would take this struggle over any other- and I KNOW this doesn't compare in any way shape or form to what others deal with. Hence this will be hopefully my only post on this- because I know I need to suck it up and just enjoy this time! Just needing to vent- I want to get it out there and move on so to speak.

17 comments:

  1. Don't feel bad--or at least, don't feel alone! It made me feel better to read this because I've been dealing with similar feelings...like you said, the feelings of inadequacy, first due to infertility and now because I'm not sure how I'm doing as a mom, are tough. As is housework (haha) don't worry, I can't seem to do much more than pump and take care of the babies either! I've cooked twice since coming home and I think F was about to declare it a national holiday he was so surprised! I want to be super mom too, or at least not feel so guilty about *not* being super mom...but I guess all we can do is our best, right? It sounds like you are doing a really good job--not just saying that. I can hear how much you love Deklan, and I'm sure he knows it. And love, plus food, is really all he needs right now (that's what the pediatrician keeps telling me!!) Anyway, just know that you're doing a great job--and if you ever want to talk, feel free to email me (the address is on my blog). You're not alone in feeling this way, and thanks for reminding me that I'm not either :)

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  2. It's ok to feel that way Brit. Just keep pushing yourself and try to get the satisfaction at the fact that you gave life to a wonderful baby boy and your doing everything possible to continue to give him everything. Every mother is different and every relationship is different. You have to do what makes you comfortable and feel best about yourself. Dont think your alone, other first time mom's are anxious and didnt know anything unless their mom's or the nurses told them how to do it. My son was born 5 weeks early and I was scared too. You will be fine. You were strong enough to fight infertility and your gonna breeze through this phase as well too! Like you said you will suck it up & continue to be grateful....there is nothin wrong with venting...EVER, thats what were here for! YOUR DOING A GREAT JOB, remember that!! Wishing you the best of luck, hope your feeling great soon.

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  3. This is a blog I follow she just wrote something so similar you should check it out...promise you arent alone.

    http://kameronsmommy.blogspot.com/2012/05/being-real.html

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  4. Thank you for being so honest about your feelings. I'm still in the midst of my struggle, but did not take offense to this at all. Even though you've beat infertility, it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to have the normal feelings any other new moms have. I'm not sure I have the best advice, as never having been there myself yet, but just wanted to tell you to try and not beat yourself up. You will get the hang of it, it will just take time. There are so many women out there who aren't able to breastfeed for various reasons. And it's okay if it doesn't work out for you. You have to do what's best for you and your family, and do what's going to keep you most sane :) Hang in there - you CAN do this!

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  5. It's ok to feel this way, I think it's completely normal! Don't let the lack of breastfeeding discourage you either; some people just can't do it and some babies just don't like the breast. My sister tried and tried with my nephew but he did not like it at all. It doesn't make you any less of the great mother you are! There are millions of kids out there that aren't ever breastfed and have great relationships and bonding with their mothers; I'm one of them :) It is all just a huge adjustment, and it takes time to get the hang of everything and to find the system that works best for all of you, hang in there girl!!

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  6. Well, you heard it, you aren't alone. I have to share that I never had the desire to breastfeed. I just didn't want to- it felt unnatural to me and nothing that I wanted to even try. It was hard to get asked, answer "no" and have people look at you crazy but Britt, you are more woman than I for trying. Kingston has been tough- I had those same feelings- not myself, for a long time. Like, I missed something. Hormones are a crazy thing and I promise, things get better. The biggest thing to remember is the fact that you even think that you are a bad mom for ANYTHING, means that you care more than your baby will ever know :) Hang in there sugar!

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  7. Oh hon, please do not be so hard on yourself. You are a great mommy and you love that little man - that's all that matters. Not cooking or cleaning, or anything else. Take care of yourself too. We are all here for you :) (((hugs)))

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  8. It IS the biggest change ever...and everything that you are feeling to completely normal. I totally feel you on the whole "not breast feeding" guilt. Riker was tongue-tied, making breastfeeding not only impossible but also incredibly painful. And with Olivia, we discovered that I just do not produce enough! The judgment that comes from the "pro breastfeeding" moms out there is brutal, but the key thing to remember is you are doing everything you can, to the best of your ability, to make your baby healthy.

    And if you ever need to get out of the house, just give me a call! We can have at home play dates, walk laps around the mall, or anything else! Staying at home all day long is tough, especially with a newborn who doesn't talk or play or even react to anything you say/do! But there are lots of mommies who you can rely on!

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  9. This is one time in which I think infertility has nothing to do with your feelings of inadequacy. I've heard MANY first time mom's, none of whom struggled to get pregnant say those first few weeks were HARD and a lot of it revolves around breastfeeding. It's not your fault that you're struggling with this, that first week IS really important for you and baby to develop a good breastfeeding relationship and that was taken away from you, through no fault of your own. I've heard it gets easier and easier, so best of luck over the next few weeks!!!

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  10. Let it out and do not feel guilty. You are a great mom and are doing the best you can! I think the hardest part is thinking you probably never thought you would feel this way but it is so ok that you do and that you are not alone. Hope it gets less overwhelming very soon. Hug to you!

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  11. Lurker here also on "the other side" of infertility. YOU ARE SO SO NORMAL! I had all the guilt. I blogged it out. 9 months later, I wouldn't change a single one of the choices I made. No one tells you how hard it is. A couple of the "desperate moment" progression posts that may help:

    http://palmettobaby.blogspot.com/2011/09/not-natural.html

    http://palmettobaby.blogspot.com/2011/10/zazoo.html

    http://palmettobaby.blogspot.com/2011/11/quitter.html

    Keep on keepin' on!

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  12. BRITT!!! You are just adjusting my dear!! I am sure of it! You are an amazing mom and will continue to be one! It's just this at home crazy talk haha I have no idea what you are feeling and have no advice to give you but I do know you are not a BAD mom and your bestie is thinking of you and loving you! From what I have learned LOTS of moms go through this! TOTALLY NORMAL haha Hang in there love if you need someone to laugh the day away give me a call we need to go out! I know I fail at answering during the day but I will do my best! Just want you to know I am here for you! LOVE u!

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  13. Holy reliving those SAME feelings from when I had my first. I struggled to get pregnant (though not as long as you), and felt terrible guilt that I struggled to find happiness in motherhood. Having your first baby alters your whole life. In addition to learning to care for a completely dependent, although perfect, baby; you are also learning to become a completely new person yourself. For years, your identity has been employee, wife, friend, daughter. Adding mom to your resume, even if you do quit employment, changes EVERYTHING. Add extra hormones, sleep deprivation, and healing body to the stress of a life altering event and I had anxiety like never before (or since). On top of that, I was not able to nurse my first either (complication of my fertility issues). I felt guilty for YEARS. Only in the last six months have I come to realize that she is just as healthy as any other kids her age, and IMO smarter too. I didn't "nurse" my second because she wouldn't. I pumped for eight months before I realized the added work was more than I could emotionally handle. It was healthier for my baby to be on formula and have mom be less stressed and more loving. It took me about three months to settle into a routine when my first was born before my anxiety returned to normal. On a positive note, adjusting to my second baby was so much easier. I didn't have ANY of the post-partum symptoms when I had my second. Just give yourself time, and be forgiving of yourself. Nobody around you is expecting you to have everything figured out yet, don't expect that of yourself either...

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  14. You are a great mom already Brittany because you are sharing your feelings of love, concern and everything else about being a mom. Take it one day at a time. Savor every moment with Deklan because it goes by so fast. And remember Heavenly Father has a plan for you. He wanted Deklan to be apart of your family. He knew that you would feel inadequate but he also knows you can do it. Deklan is a choice spirit. Heavenly Father knows that you and Jonny are the perfect parents to lead him in this generation, to one day serve a mission and get married in the temple. I know this time is tough but it will go away. It'll be but a small moment. Just take it one day at a time. You are a strong women you can do it. And you are right Deklan is so perfect. Can't wait for our boys to be friends.

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  15. I've been hearing a lot about postpartum lately, and it just seems totally normal. I am so glad that you posted this, and don't feel any anger toward it at all. It's nice that you're willing to share exactly how you feel, and girl you deserve to vent it out! I'm sure over time it will get easier, and hopefully your doctor can find a way to help you cope. Don't beat yourself up for feeling the way that you do, because that will just make you feel worse than you already do. Glad to hear the little man is perfect, and happy! That's fricken awesome that DH has been home with you for a whole month!!

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  16. Love you Britt! So many changes to get used to! Be patient and kind to yourself and give yourself time. And remember that no matter what, you have very special gifts as a mother that NOBODY can replicate, you will be more in tune with Deklan than any other human on the planet. It will be good for you to have Jonny back at work, and the roles that Heavenly Father designed will be back how they should be- father/provider, mother/nurturer. Not to say that we can't contribute, but you are the primary nurturer for a reason. I'm sorry for the breastfeeding challenges, I know how much that meant to you. Love ya!

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