This post is hard to write. My last post I wrote that I never posted was from 3 and a half weeks ago ( I am posting it now for my reference) when I found out I was somehow pregnant ON MY OWN. It was a loooong month of emotions that ultimately led to today. My final ultrasound that I got to see a sweet little baby with no heartbeat. I knew instantly. The traumatic part was seeing how much the baby grew from just a week and a half ago. It looked like the baby probably stopped growing in the past day or so. I was strong during the ultrasound. Part of me just couldn't accept what the Dr. was saying. He was telling me it's not your fault, and this couldn't be prevented, and apologizing for the awful news- but I couldn't really hear it. Then instead of the normal ultrasound pictures- he handed me a cup ...to pass the baby in and gave me three options of a DNC, naturally letting the baby pass, or drugs to force contractions. That's when I lost it. He gave Jonny and I the room and said take your time.
Each week the pregnancy felt
more real and I would get more excited- so yes this is hard for me. I'm
grateful Jonny was able to be there through all of this but I could tell
it was hard for him to see the baby as well. We both were excited-
talking about double strollers, life with two babies, how to announce
this to the world, and how blessed we were to have this happen a few
months before doing in vitro. We spent over TWO GRAND in Dr. appts and
ultrasounds in just the past month. It's the last thing I was worried
about but ALL of it sucks pretty bad. And before anyone says "maybe you
were meant to do in vitro and have twins in a few months." This is NOT
what I need right now. Honestly the hard reality is that it hurts and it
sucks and I just need time to heal. Right now I don't want and can't
think about the possibility of future babies because I wanted THIS baby.
The baby that is STILL sitting in my uterus and wont be very soon. I
got attached to THIS particular baby. Today I am angry and sad and
I will be okay- I know I will but for now I am
mourning the loss of the baby I was supposed to have. The hardest news
for me today is when my fertility brought up the harsh reality that now
that I have had two miscarriages in a row my chances of miscarriage
jumps from 15 percent (a normal amount) to now 30 percent. Regardless
of doing in vitro or not. I'm already terrified but this just adds to
that. I can't imagine going through this pain again. It feels better to
write out my feelings...but its hard.
Surprise update: Final divorce edition.
6 days ago