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Tuesday, September 4, 2012

A Post On Sorrow

One thing I have had to learn the hard way- is to not compare one person's sorrow to another. I did this a lot with my miscarriage and pretty much any other trial I faced in my life. The day after this mess I cleaned my whole house, worked out, went shopping, and tried my darnest to pretend it never happened. I did this because I felt I had NO RIGHT to be sad. There are too many other people that had been through SO much worse. A good friend of mine texted me and said even if you were 4 weeks pregnant you have the right to be sad about this. It's STILL a loss. I know it doesn't do any good to dwell on it either- BUT I think it's good to acknowledge it, accept it, and move forward. So I decided I needed some way to remember #2. I wrote this little one a letter, kept the pregnancy tests and the t-shirt I made Deklan and packaged it up.

As much as I attempted to pretend I was fine, it came out in "Other" ways that I wasn't. The first night all this happened I took a unisom to sleep. This stuff knocks me out if I take a whole one- so I did. Deklan woke up crying and I woke up sort of in a panic. I wasn't dreaming, but I wasn't fully awake. It was weird-  I woke up grabbed Deklan and put him on the bed next to his dad and gave him a binky- than I started freaking out asking Jonny where our "other " baby was. Sounds crazy I KNOW. I legitimately NO JOKE thought I had another baby in the room I couldn't find. I was pretty frantic about it- Jonny kept asking what are you talking about? He knew I was acting a little crazy so he forced me back down to sleep and took Deklan to go feed him. When I woke up I realized I MUST have been dreaming about this "other " baby or something- obviously I need to mourn this loss so I can move on.

I have been doing my best to mask how I'm feeling about the miscarriage but the truth and reality is that things change when you find out you had a life growing inside you. I was trying hard to figure out why my body felt so icky and bloated and tired- and NOW I know. Deklan was only 3 and a half months- and I was pregnant for 2 months of that! My body is a wreck! I can't help but think what would I had done differently had I known. I feel like if I would have just done something simple like progesterone- the baby would be okay. That guilt eats me up inside and causes SO much anxiety. ONCE again anxiety has creeped back into life. To the point that I CAN"T SLEEP! It's AWFUL! Especially when Deklan is now sleeping a good 8 FULL hours at night and I lay there and WATCH him sleep! WHY you ask? I think partially from a place of fear. Fear that I could loose my little one I do have. During the day I push those feelings aside and just love on my little boy. I have just heard SO MANY horrific tragic stories as of late of wonderful people loosing their children to an unknown disease or a drowning, or all these horrific things I can't seem to get out of my mind! AHH-HELP! Logically I know the liklihood of something happening is small- and that I am being ridiculous to worry about things I can't control, but I can't seem to turn it off at night. I'm sure it has something to do with the miscarriage.

 I am hoping that by recognizing the loss I can move forward. I think the fact that no one really knew about baby #2 made things hard. I WANT that short little life to have meaning. It meant something to me. I don't want him or her forgotten. I have a few family and friends that I would have been pregnant with. It will be hard to see when there baby is due and know that I SHOULD have been due with them. Our babies should be the same age. It's definitely different now, because I am happy for them, but it's still a reminder of what I lost. I feel like it's just a guessing game now. Was this a fluke or will it happen again on it's own? My mom gave me this rose the day after the miscarriage and it has been alive and perfect the past two weeks. Today it started dying. It felt like a reminder that this chapter is over. My sister in law who also went through a miscarriage believes that little soul was just TOO good to make it here on earth. They were so good they got  to go straight back to their heavenly father. I don't know how this works, or if I will see this other little one on the other side, but I hope so. I can feel that our family isn't complete yet. I'm not sure how or when it will be, but for now I'm trying my best to focus on Deklan. Now more than ever, I know what a true miracle life is. It has been ONE YEAR since in vitro- and soon I will be posting Deklan's birth video. :) Almost done with finishing it up :)


Oh and THANK YOU so much for your sweet comments- they all meant so much to me! This community has given me so much comfort in my times of need, and I couldn't be more grateful. :)

7 comments:

  1. I'm so proud of you...seriously...you always find a way to move me. So glad I've found your blog.

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  2. Oh Brittany, my heart aches for you. I felt every word in your post, because I've lived it. I did the same thing as you after all of my miscarriages. I acted like I was totally fine, and went out, and had this big aggressive day acting like nothing happened. I think it's kind of a way of trying to protect your heart. But you can only do so much, before the painful reminder that you lost a loved one (way to soon!) sneaks back up on you. It's wonderful that you did something to remember #2. Believe me, you will never forget him/her! Those little angels show up in your dreams, and in your thoughts quite often.
    And you are oh so normal for being paranoid about Deklan. Once you lose a little life, you also lose the innocence of pregnancy and motherhood. I worried about Haven every single day that she was in my belly... just crazy, irrational things. Now that she's here it's the same story. And the no sleep at night thing? Haven is sound asleep in my arms right now as I am typing this.
    I totally understand where you're coming from. You are a very normal Mother of loss. So please don't be so hard on yourself, and definitely don't think you're not allowed to be sad, just because others have it worse. Your friend is very right. A 4 week baby is still very much a baby. If you think about it, Deklan was 4 weeks once, and he is here now... he is still the same baby.
    Anyway, I think I just took up all of the room in your comment section. I just feel so bad that you have to go through this! <3Prayers and healing to your family.

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  3. Oh Brittany, I just want to hug you right now. Miscarriage is hard. I still think about the little baby that I lost. I was like you, I thought about all the little babies that were due when my baby was to be due. I would cry all the time about the loss. And I thought it was silly too because I didn't know this baby very long. But he was still my baby, and I was never going to meet him(at least not in this life). My friend told me that we mothers who miscarry are very lucky in a sense because we get to raise our children in heaven. Now, I don't know if this is true or not, but I like to think that is. If you ever want to talk, call me. I feel like we have so much in common from this last year. Both our boys being born preemie and experiencing miscarriages. Love you and am praying for you and your family.

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  4. Oh Brittany, I just want to hug you right now. Miscarriage is hard. I still think about the little baby that I lost. I was like you, I thought about all the little babies that were due when my baby was to be due. I would cry all the time about the loss. And I thought it was silly too because I didn't know this baby very long. But he was still my baby, and I was never going to meet him(at least not in this life). My friend told me that we mothers who miscarry are very lucky in a sense because we get to raise our children in heaven. Now, I don't know if this is true or not, but I like to think that is. If you ever want to talk, call me. I feel like we have so much in common from this last year. Both our boys being born preemie and experiencing miscarriages. Love you and am praying for you and your family.

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  5. So so hard Brit! I am glad you are letting yourself feel everything that needs to be felt, and your paranoia is normal. For at least a year with Ella, (My third- shouldn't I have been LESS worried?) I was so convinced that she wasn't going to have a full life, that I was going to lose her early. I don't know where that anxiety or paranoia came from, but one day my mom just made some random comment about her that made that anxiety disappear. You had to go through so much to get Deklan here, it totally makes sense that you would even have that much more concern about losing him. I don't think mothers ever stop worrying about their children. If it's not one thing, the worry turns into something else. But it's a good reminder that Heavenly Father is in charge of everything, especially something as enormous and life-altering as losing a child, and nothing would ever happen that wasn't part of the plan for our ultimate happiness and growth. So just trust trust trust that He who knows you best will give you things to help you grow, but most likely, the thing that he has in store for you is to raise Deklan to full adulthood and beyond. :) I still worry about miscarriage too, and I know exactly who I'll go running to if it happens. YOU. Love you girl.

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  6. Oh my Britt Britt this makes me cry to read....I wish I could relate or give some advice or wisdom on the subject but all I can do is say I love you and it will be ok. :) Like your sweet friend Heather said above Heavenly Father is in charge and he knows you and loves you. I love you too and you will always be my bestie I hope you continue to make it through this hard time and don't feel guilty for accepting the sorrow for one bit. You are entitled to feel exactly how you want to feel. Always here for you even if I fail at answering the phone. :) haha love you girl.

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