Baby #2

I am not even sure where to start with on this post. I have had a million emotions this past week and am still a little unsure on how I feel. I have been super busy these past few weeks with one sister coming home from her mission, one who got married, our first big family vacation, and lots of running around! This past week I was feeling EXTRA tired, totally broke out like crazy, and had LOTS of cramps. I was late on my period (by like 3 weeks) which is totally normal for me so I figured that time of the month was coming. I went to the store and bought some midol for the cramps and JUST in case....a pregnancy test. I went home, took care of Deklan, worked on his room for a while and then remembered I should take the pregnancy test- ya know for kicks and giggles because there was NO way I could be pregnant. The ONLY positive pregnancy test I have EVER gotten was right after in vitro this time around. Anyways, I took the test and didn't even think twice about it. I even thought in my head- I wonder if I will feel sad WHEN it shows up negative. Well it showed up positive.  I almost crapped my pants- sorry for the expression- but SERIOUSLY?!!! Never ONCE in almost NINE years have I got pregnant on my own and the FIRST possible month it could have happened- it DID! My last period was around July 1st (maybe a little before), which put me at around 7-8 weeks pregnant and my baby coming around April!! I. WAS.IN.SHOCK! So I tested again- it instantly showed positive. 

My husband was out of town, due to be back the next night- I didn't want to tell him over the phone- but how was I going to wait TWO DAYS! So I called my sister like twenty times till she picked up. She freaked out with me. All the sudden I was a nervous wreck- even though this is what I wanted- it hit me...TWO BABIES, 11 months apart, possibly TWO nurseries in my home, 2 car seats to lug around. I had JUST got excited about working out and getting my body back into shape- and I have a cruise coming up soon- like I said I panicked! Then I started thinking about how to announce this to Jonny- Deklan was going to be a big brother so I HAD to get him a t- shirt RIGHT? I thought I would pick him up at the airport- meet him at the checkpoint with Deklan wearing his shirt and holding the pee stick...lol NASTY I know- but I thought it would be funny. After searching everywhere in the heat, and lugging my newborn around a million different stores, I decided being newly pregnant I better give up the search and just make one. Who NEEDS a big brother t shirt at 3 months old right?? People just don't have those on hand. Here is what I came up with.

I even made a sign. And when I wrote Baby # 2-  it hit me how excited I was. I was going to have ANOTHER adorable newborn in my home. It will be hard, but OH MY GOSH- it was a miracle to have this happen naturally!

AFter all the hard work and getting SUPER excited it happened. I felt a gush, went in the bathroom and saw LOTS of blood. It was bright red. I remember bleeding a little with Deklan but nothing like this. I had bad cramps and my back hurt pretty bad. I flipped out and called Jonny crying- THAT is how he found out. LAME I know..but it didn't seam appropriate to surprise him and then say p.s I may be having a miscarriage as well. He FREAKED on the phone- he was too excited to let anything get him down. He was in the middle of a meeting and could no longer focus so he left to the airport to try to fly home early. My bishop came over and gave me a blessing, my brother in law picked up Jonny at the airport, and I rested. I knew the ER couldn't do anything at that point and I had set up an ultrasound for Monday. Sunday things got worse. The pain was worse and I had BIG blood clots. It was a rough few days with my emotions going up and down.

I finally got in for an ultrasound today at 1:00. I was A MESS up till then not knowing what to expect. I had heard so  many stories of the ultrasound during a miscarriage ...seeing the baby and no heartbeat, seeing NO baby at all, or seeing a baby WITH a heartbeat and knowing it's going to end soon, or a baby growing in your fallopian tube...ALL of these things scared me. I wasn't crying- just CRANKY and short with my husband...very irritable and confused.

I was in a daze during the appointment and just wanted to be over with it. The Dr. found nothing in the ultrasound. He said he knew one thing as a fact- I was pregnant as of right now in terms of my HCG levels. My cervix was closed meaning I had passed the baby probably. He DID say there could be a TINY chance of me being VERY early pregnant and just not being able to detect it. I HIGHLY doubt that with how much blood I lost and the icky pain. It just felt like a REALLY bad period. I held myself together really well during the whole thing. Then the Dr (who is also a family friend) said you are going to mourn for this baby at some point. It may be now, or it may be in nine months when you were supposed to have the baby- but it WILL happen. I had a little melt down in the office and then left.

To be honest I am doing okay right now. I feel like I have been through worse at this point. And I am just so incredibly grateful for baby Deklan AND to have even GOTTEN pregnant in the first place.  I went shopping and spent way too much money after all this to help me feel better. Tried to look at the positive side of all this- that I got pregnant AT ALL on my own.

The hardest part was not knowing how to feel. I felt guilty for being sad when I have been, because HOW could I be sad when I have this amazing baby right here with me and I had only known I was pregnant for a few short days. When I felt okay for the moment, I felt guilty for feeling okay when I was loosing baby #2 and could never get that exact child back. The one WE MADE outside of a petri dish. The sadness is coming from a place of what this child would have been like in our family...was it a boy- a girl? What would they have looked like? I don't like that the Dr. left things a little up in the air. I don't like that feeling in the back of my mind that MAYBE just MAYBE there is a baby there. I also feel SO SO SO incredibly guilty for the past few weeks running around like a mad woman for weddings, vacations, and other things like that. I was to say the least a STRESS BALL this past month with family drama going on. I felt like this all contributed and if I would have known I would have taken better care of myself...better care of my baby.

For now I am going to wait a few months on trying to get pregnant again- or LACK of some form of birth control. My body NEEDS to heal. I need to heal. I can't handle another miscarriage right now. Feeling this little bit of pain makes me feel so much for all of you ladies that have dealt with this several times. And ESPECIALLY for those of you who lost your babies further along. It hurts to feel that your bodies failed you on something so important- on sustaining that beautiful life. Life is precious...and fragile. Baby #2 will always have a special place in my heart.

These difficult times and trials have helped me to realize how beautiful life truly is. How things that seam so big in life are sometimes NOT worth worrying about. I am talking about drama and silly friends. I am going to soak up EVERY moment with my son- and hold him even tighter tonight.

Oh the Possibilities!

Remember how I ranted and raved about how amazing this guy was?? This is Dr. L. (From Advanced Fertility Care) This man literally changed our lives. He is so sweet and humble that he wouldn't take credit for his hard work- said it was all the man upstairs. But I truly believe that Heavenly Father gave him a talent to help make others families possible. He is honestly THE BEST! I would travel out of state if I needed to to help us again. I am OH SO excited to come back to this amazing clinic to use Deklan's frozen brothers and sisters that are hanging out in his office right now :)- 7 of them to be exact! Ladies if you are looking for someone GO TO DR. LARSEN! He is caring, understanding, and knows what's best! I trusted him in putting in one embryo and it all turned out the way it was supposed to.:)

 Deklan got to meet his new girlfriend he has been hanging out with since in the womb. My coworked/good friend Sheila did in vitro 4 weeks after me with Dr. L and we both came out with babies! SO exciting!!! Isn't she CUTE!!!!! Since Deklan was early they are about 2 months a part :)

 Jonny holding little Skarlet

 Dr. L with out little miracle babies- we couldn't be more grateful! We waited for this day for a long time :)

Excited/nervous to go through in vitro again- we are looking to maybe do this around Deklan's first birthday if it doesn't happen on it's own- rigorous I know- but hey! We waited 8 years for our fam so we are trying to catch up! Thank you to Dr. L and his amazing staff for helping us through such tough times! WE LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

Favorite Baby Items So Far :)

I decided to put together a list for those soon to be moms out there. I know these helped me a lot in making my purchases. Although my hubby decided to buy everything under the sun anyways- haha!

SO the Nose Frida: This item sounded SO nasty to me when I heard about it- you literally use this device to SUCK the boogers out of your child. Do't worry- there is a piece to stop anything from ever actually getting back to you- but it WORKS! I think it was around $17- but it saved me some nights when Deklan was congested and couldn't breath. The normal ones they give you at the hospital don't get everything and are too big for their tiny noses. So a little saline solution plus this get's the job done!


The Boppy: The first few weeks being that Deklan wouldn't latch I assumed this was an unnecessary item. Now I LOVE IT! He uses it to prop himself up, he sleeps really well in it too. Another hint- buy your cover on etsy- cheap and WAY cuter! :)






Zipper onsie pajamas- WITH fold over hands. LOVED THESE! In the middle of the night when you don't want to snap up one THOUSAND snaps the zipper is quick and easy and fast- making it much more likley to not FULLY wake the baby up while changing him. Also mittens just fell off Deklan so the pajamas that ALSO had the hands that would overlap would help him from scratching himself. If I could redo things I would buy NONE of the non zipper type for the newborn stage.


So far the boppy has failed me...:( Totally disappointed although he may grow into it more as time goes- we'll see. As of right now he will only sit in it 5 minutes before crying to get out. BUT he does love his swing and we also LOVED his newborn sleeper we got him :)









We never did buy a bouncer because it was really never needed. His sleeper rocked and is portable- awesome for bringing him to a babysitters, traveling, or hanging out at the house. He slept in it the first few months and is now in his crib :) It keeps the baby at an incline to help with reflux as well. :)

We DO actually use our wipe warmer- and we like it :) Again keeps him sleepy at evening feeds which is nice :)

I actually LOVE my homemade moby wrap I got as a gift! I use it ALL THE TIME. Deklan loves to feel snuggled :) I actually like it better than the Moby because it's far less fabric and much LIGHTER for the summer! A baby Katan is I think what they call the lighter weight one :) I would suggest those instead- you can buy them HERE My hubby also just got the ergo carrier for him- we love it so far and are excited to try it out in Florida next week- much more sturdy for long trips.



For the stroller we got the city mini GT - LOVE it! At first ours came with a faulty wheel- had to get it replaced but once we did it works PERFECT! Very easy to use and lightweight which I LOVE! :)

Homedics Sound Spa Lullaby Relaxation Machine  

Also LOVE this item! Deklan has his on every night- it has different lullabies and soothing sounds and also a light projection giving images up on the ceiling. This is nice to add a little light into the room. 

To ADD to the wipe warmer we also got the organization system for the diaper area to go with it- LOVE this! It keeps everything nice and handy and easy to get to. 

We also got a second car seat base so we had one for both cars which has been super convenient since we never really know what car we are going to take for the day. We used the Chicco KeyFit carseta because it was lightweight- so glad we chose this option now!

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For a diaper pail we got the Dekor Plus- I will swear by this thing! It has no smell- hold LOTS of diapers & best of all you can use any bag on it. However I prefer the refill bags because you cut the bottom of the bag, tie it, and toss it- it's SUPER easy and makes good use of all the bag.


These are just a few of my favs so far- I'm sure I will be adding to this as I go- hope it can help some of you out there. :) Oh and another item I don't use much is the bath tub- I somewhat find it to be an annoyance to get out each time- and it's just in the way. I would say use your sink or take a bath with them- Deklan LOVES that :)

month one all over again...

I have felt SUPER icky all week :( Unfortunately AND fortunately started my first period again. It was painful and awful. At the same time it's a reminder that my body is working right now after all. My lack of pumping/breastfeeding as of late and attempting to start running again I think brought it on. I SHOULD pump again- it's just extremely frustrating to do 8 times a day to do it right. I have been cleaning out my garage and came across this...

My oh so familiar sharps container full of a gazillion needles I shot into myself to be able to have my little miracle. It reminded me of last year and all the hopes and dreams I had to finally bring a baby home. I held Deklan a little longer tonight, kissed him even more than I normally do (which is A LOT!) :) and said a quick prayer to say thank you for the amazing little boy who got sent to our home. It's hard to imagine that this little 9 pound baby boy will soon be walking talking, playing, dating, and all that other fun stuff a boy does :) He still amazes me every day. He smiles now and coo's and wants to grow up way too fast for me. He is squishy, squeaky, and oh so lovable!! I will have lots more pics and videos of him on my other blog though. :)

On a sad note we got rid of our dog Lexi this week. She got me through some REALLY tough times. including comforting me through the infertility. So I felt awful about finding her a new home. I felt even more guilty she wasn't getting the love and affection she deserved once Deklan came home. She was always out back in the heat and didn't get the chance to love on her as much. Our house cleaner lady is all alone here and took her and said she follows her around everywhere now and LOVES the attention! Made me so happy to hear- plus I can visit anytime I want since she is only a few miles away! I will miss this little fluffer! 

The Positive Side to the Niccu

We got all of Deklan's newborn pictures back- I posted some of them on my other blog HERE. and all of them on facebook :)

Deklan is 7 weeks old on Thursday- I honestly can't believe that time is flying by so quickly! He is officially 8.1 pounds as of today!! One of the good things about your baby going to the niccu (one of the only good things) is that there is a state program for babies who have stayed there for one week or longer to have a nurse come to my house to help with him till he is 2 years old!!! FOR FREE!!! When I say help, I mean, she comes to my house, weighs him, finds out how he's doing, and helps with anything I have questions on...for instance BREASTFEEDING! Amazing right??! So this lady has come out to my house a few times now as a lactation specialist to help Deklan latch and see if this is something that will work for us. At this point I'm not so certain it will- but I love that I have help!! She is fantastic and stays with us till Deklan is two years old to make sure he is gaining proper weight and also learning skills properly. Good news is Deklan is AMAZING for his age! He has all the skills a 2 month old baby would- even though he should only be three weeks old this week! He is learning fast and is gaining A LOT! In the past week an ounce a day where a normal baby gains half an ounce a day. I think this means he is healthy and going to be nice and chunky! We are so completely in love with this little boy. Enjoying every moment right now :)

Finding Joy in the Simple Things

Thank you guys SO SO much for your comments and support and texts from my last post. It wasn't easy to be honest but I feel so much better about it now. Don't get me wrong, I still have my freak out moments but overall I am starting to feel better. I went into my Dr and found out my vitamin D levels were extremely low and could be adding to all the emotions. I started taking some so hopefully that will be a start! I feel like I am finally starting to get the hang of this! I am REALLY LOVING snuggling with my baby right now! He is still so tiny and sweet and has so much spirit in him! Breast feeding is not any easier but I am starting to ease up on my self about it. I'm hard on myself and it doesn't do good for anyone. I still pump and feed that to him as much as I can. I am super excited to get back Deklan's newborn pictures- she has sent me a few proofs I had to share. I know I am bias- but I think he is the cutest thing I've ever seen :) I will add more later!

The Truth About PostPartum

It's hard. No one really ever told me this. Or maybe it never registered. I am going to be brutally honest here- so if you are struggling with infertility you may not want to read. Just a warning because I honestly HATED reading about complaints when women had a baby!! What more could a person possibly want than a precious child of their own? Trust me I HATE that I feel like this- I am hoping that maybe support from other moms might help on this matter.

Deklan will be a month old this week- the days have all kind of blended together so it feels like it's been days...really LONG days. Deklan is perfect! He is more perfect and sweet and lovable than I ever even expected. So why in the world am I struggling?? My hormones have never served me well- pre pregnancy, during pregnancy, so why would they after pregnancy? My husband said my demeanor has been off. That hurts. I don't want to be sad- and I don't understand why I would be. I am so incredibly blessed right now. I am EXACTLY where I wanted to be for SO SO LONG. I have an amazing husband who has honestly done MORE than his fair share with taking care of the baby- he has been home with me for a MONTH. He takes half of the night shifts even so I can ATTEMPT to get some sleep. I have a healthy, sweet, adorable baby. One that I tried for SO LONG for! I am a stay at home mommy and have a home and everything I could possibly need. My guess for the blues...feeling inadequate. This feeling ALWAYS creeps in. Before it was for not being able to conceive and now- it's not being a good enough mommy. I haven't cooked one meal since I have been home...not lying. I can't keep up with the household chores- hence the need for a house cleaner every 2 weeks, and probably where most of these feelings are coming from...I can't breast feed for the life of me. No super mommy going on over here.

 It's the question every person asks the moment they see your new little one...are you breastfeeding? Goodness- it feels about as bad as the "Do you have kids question!" I feel awful to answer no. With Deklan coming so early he was forced onto the bottle for a week in the niccu. They did this to judge how much he was taking in (making sure he got enough calories) For the past month I pump ALL. THE. TIME. It feels like it consumes me. I am pumping constantly. I still try him "on the breast" daily- but he hates it. I feel like I missed something. Maybe that bond between mom and baby that happens the first week of life. The nurses in the niccu took care of him more than I did. I hate that. I will keep trying but goodness- a whole month of pumping and NO REAL breast feeding can ware on you. Then I feel guilty for not eating the right stuff or getting the right amount of sleep. It's overwhelming how much you love your child and want the best for them. When you are not filling all of those responsibilities to the BEST of your abilities- you...or may I rephrase that "I" feel guilty.

As well, I have been a working lady for a long time. I am not used to not getting up, getting dressed, having a social life outside of the house, and getting praised for a job well done. I feel like my husband cares for Deklan better than I do. I thought everything would come so naturally for me and it didn't. With him being so tiny I was afraid to touch him the first few days he was here and than had to learn everything from the nurses in terms of diapers, feedings, baths, and schedules. This is all new to me. It's the biggest change I have had in my life for sure, and it's overwhelming! SO- I am going to try to get myself back into shape and feeling "myself again." I am going to snuggle my baby more than ever- because he does make me feel better, and try to reach out to family and friends ore. Hopefully this will help. Has anyone else dealt with this after infertility, or just in general? Needing some advice- and goodness- I need to get out of the house apparently! Time to get life back in order- as much as I possibly can at least! And please please don't take this post wrong- I am SO incredibly grateful for this experience to be a mom. I really am! Just overwhelmed with the responsibilities that come along with and trying to work through that. Those feeling plus no sleep, and an add in of "first time parent anxiety" is never a good mix either. :)

P.S I just need to add that I would take this struggle over any other- and I KNOW this doesn't compare in any way shape or form to what others deal with. Hence this will be hopefully my only post on this- because I know I need to suck it up and just enjoy this time! Just needing to vent- I want to get it out there and move on so to speak.