Hitting Rock Bottom

Welp. I tried really hard for a few weeks to avoid the inevitable rock bottom feeling. I kept myself too busy to deal with any type of emotional pain. It worked! haha! For a few weeks my house was spotless, dinner was on the table, my calling was taken care of, and all I felt great! And then a few days ago out of nowhere I stopped sleeping (dang insomnia) I had a hard time functioning the past two days. In fact the day Deklan was in preschool I slept literally all day- just couldn't get out of bed. My energy was shot. I fell off our dang ladder trying to get Christmas decorations out and bruised my butt and back like no ones business. HURT SO BAD! I realized at that moment that my body is a lot more frail these days. I have been sick for weeks. And then the worst of it happened. I lost my mind and forgot I had a client for a photoshoot (totally mixed up the days!) I felt awful!!! I realized I had lost my mind and am pretty sure this is all coming full circle back to me. This is what happens when you ignore trauma and pain I guess. Lame. I don't want to think about all of this but I need to figure out how to get back to normal. Whenever I feel sad I immediately feel guilt. How can I be upset when I was BARLEY pregnant and women deal with this all the time. How can I feel angry when I have a miracle baby already. As an outsider it's easy to say that all sounds ridiculous and it's obvious it's okay to feel pain- but for some reason I can't seam to wrap my brain around that idea/ I just want to move past it like it never happened. These are just my random thoughts today that I wanted to get out. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Yesterday my focus was ALL on Deklan. I put my phone down and had a date with my cute boy. We colored, played ball, chased birds, rode bikes, and had a picnic in the front yard. Felt good to just love on him. I love how carefree and happy he is :) Such a sweet boy! We also took grandma for a day to spend time with her- Deklan loved every minute!

Sharing My Story of baby # 3

I have decided to share my story with my friends and family. I remember when first finding out we were pregnant, Jonny wanted to share the news immediately with everyone. I was hesitant after our last miscarriage... not wanting to have to get all excited and then retell the news something bad happened. Last time we found out we only knew for a day before the miscarriage had happened all on it's own. Not to say it didn't hurt, but we didn't know long enough to get ourselves excited. That made a big difference for sure.

This time was different. For weeks we would slowly tell family and close friends. People were finding out and things were feeling more real. After seeing a few ultrasounds and actually seeing a heartbeat I finally started planning how to tell everyone. I finally was getting the courage to get excited and believe the pregnancy was real.

 Last Monday at 7 and a half weeks pregnant the baby stopped growing and we had to see the baby on ultrasound without a heartbeat. Jon and I were devastated. We found out we were pregnant about a month earlier. The moment we possibly could find out we did. We went to urgent care thinking I was sick. Come to find out I was pregnant- ON OUR OWN.

I couldn't understand WHY everything worked out the way it did. We found out early enough to make sure things were okay. At least that's what I thought. We kept going through hurdles- tests, low progesterone, low heartbeat- and then it ended. On my 30th birthday the miscarriage happened naturally. The baby actually looked like a baby. For days I have been a mess and unsure how to pick up the pieces.

Jonny didn't handle things well this time. Making it hard on me as well. Generally he is the strong one. So I can throw all my emotion on him and he just hugs me and lets me cry it out. This time he left. He had a trip planned for months to go hunting with a bunch of guys in Utah. The day we found out about the miscarriage I told him I still wanted him to go (deep down I wanted him to say NO way! You come first and there is NO way Id leave you like this.) I didn't tell him because I wanted him to just know what to do. To me it seemed so obvious. Then he left. I cried and cried and got so angry at him. Really angry. I'm sure all my anger ended up on him. When he got back though he looked refreshed.

He finally admitted to me he needed those days to process. He was I think even more excited than I was about this baby and forgot attached after seeing the heartbeat. To be honest I was so wrapped into my own emotions I forgot this would hurt him too.  When we were together that week I was crying and angry making it difficult to take the time he needed to grieve as well. Now I get it and am glad he went. Oddly enough by the end of that day and a half by myself I realized he gave me the time I needed as well. He made up for it by surprising me with an overnight babysitter (my sister) couples messages and a super nice resort to just be together.  I will say it tested us though. We were both angry and took it out on each other.

My mom gave me a book that I was hesitant to read. To be honest I really didn't want to hear anything from anybody. Even the positive stuff like "yes you will get pregnant again." Or "You will have the chance one day to raise this baby." I didn't believe it and couldn't see past the hurt. All I could see was that it wasn't fair. I was angry. And then I began to read this book called Extraordinary Comfort by David Assay. He wrote about an experience of his mom passing away and going to the "other side." She came back to tell them that she had met her baby that was still born at 6 months pregnant along with another grandchild that her daughter had miscarried. She talked about these babies being ours still. The book was exactly what I needed in that moment. A reminder that there is hope and I am definitely not alone in this.

"Life's not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow." -Terri Guillements. That is exactly how I felt. What was the purpose in this amazing miraculous pregnancy? Was it meant JUST solely to haunt me? I am slowly realizing that this is just one of life's most difficult challenges and it was meant to help me remember what I DO have.

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isnt." -Richard Bach. I still have MORE trials to go through- we all do, and that's okay. Every trial I have been through has somehow made me stronger.

My heart right now aches with grief I never knew existed. This loss rocked my foundation to the core. Yet through all of this pain something beautiful rose up from the ashes. I feel moments of peace through my grieving. I feel shattered and broken but I recognized an inner strength that I have. Despite the loss, I can't imagine now NOT feeling the joy of this child's conception. Which is why I am sharing with all of you. Regardless of how this ended, this baby's short life WAS in deed a miracle and for a reason. That little spirit will always be a part of our family. That may not make sense to a lot of you- or seem extreme with how short the pregnancy was, but to me that short month we knew we were pregnant felt like an eternity of hopes and dreams wrapped up in one little package. That baby WAS loved and excited for and we were blessed to carry them for that short period of time. And as much as it hurts, I am grateful I got to experience that. I am not the same person I was just a month ago- the experience has forever changed me. "A miracle isn't always the miracle we're hoping for: But that doesn't make it any less of a miracle." -Hana Haatainen Caye

I can do hard things

Today was hard. This week was actually all really hard. But I am starting to feel better. My mom took me to lunch this morning and after running around a bit I felt a big gush of blood again. I had bleeding a lot but this was pretty bad and made me feel pretty weak. After resting a bit and doing some reading and LOTS of crying I started to feel a lot better. Maybe that's what I needed. A good cry and some positive reading. I finally started to feel a little hope. All of the sudden I remembered that this is just one of the many hard things I will go have to go through in this life and I can handle it. I'm strong and can do hard things. I know I will still have moments of weakness. Seeing pregnant women and babies already stings a little even though I know deep down that doesn't change what I'm going through. My little sister is pregnant too. We were SO excited to have babies only two months a part. I'm realizing that it's going to be a reminder probably that I should have a baby too. Again I am honestly happy for her she deserves this just as much as I do- it still stings. Jonny forced me to tell him what I'm grateful for today to try to see a little light- I was so angry at him for it even though I know I needed to do it- so I wrote about it. It worked. I have so much to grateful for- and most importantly I have a REALLY bright spot in my life. I have my little boy. If ALL I get in this life is him it's all I need. He brings so much light in our home. The day I miscarried he snuggled me while I cried. He patted my back so gently like he knew. It was so sweet and exactly what I needed.  These were from a few weeks ago at my sisters wedding. The week we announced we were pregnant to most our family and friends. We only made it 8 weeks but to me that felt like an eternity. Either way I am grateful for this little mammas boy I have- he will always be my miracle baby. Sorry awful photo of us dancing that night but he is the sweetest :)

The worst 30th birthday of all time

I figured I should keep documenting for myself. I know I probably have only five readers on this thing- but I am still so grateful that I have documented almost ALL of my infertility journey on here and go back to it often. Today is my birthday. I turned 30 years old. It's a big birthday. A crazy one that reminds me I'm getting REALLY old. Last night I started cramping a lot and getting brown spotting (nothing too crazy) but I knew it would take a few days at least for this to happen. I only had half a day on my birthday to spend with Jonny because I had to drop him off at the airport today at 2. We planned on getting my mind off of things by going out to breakfast and going shopping to buy me clothes. Spending money tends to make me feel better even though half of what I get I end up regretting later. haha! My body definitely had something else in store for me today. I woke up early in the morning with horrendous cramps and jumped straight in the bath to try to use heat for the pain. I even tried pain killers and that didn't even touch it. Blood was pretty much pouring out of me. Jonny went out and got me breakfast and ginormous diaper pads since I can't wear tampons obviously. After hours of pain I did eventually pass the baby. It was a perfect round quarter size sac. I couldn't believe it but I could actually see a baby (TEENY tiny) but it was the baby. My baby. I could see the cord that attached it to the placenta and it's eyes- and even what looked like little arm buds. I balled all morning. I couldn't control my emotions at all. Jonny's sweet sister came over and watched Deklan while I of all things- DID go shopping. I was in so much pain trying on clothes but didn't care- I knew being at home crying would be much worse. After dropping Jonny off at the airport now though I am all alone at my house. I know I could have gotten a sister or friend to be here for me but in all truth and honesty I have just wanted to be at home alone to veg. Hopefully tonight I can get some good rest and the cramps maybe subside. I have hit a wall emotionally and am just at that point I want this behind me. I am tired. Tired at how hard and unfair this is. I know I will get through this but today...today is a really bad day.

Another Angel Baby

This post is hard to write. My last post I wrote that I never posted was from 3 and a half weeks ago ( I am posting it now for my reference) when I found out I was somehow pregnant ON MY OWN. It was a loooong month of emotions that ultimately led to today. My final ultrasound that I got to see a sweet little baby with no heartbeat. I knew instantly. The traumatic part was seeing how much the baby grew from just a week and a half ago. It looked like the baby probably stopped growing in the past day or so. I was strong during the ultrasound. Part of me just couldn't accept what the Dr. was saying. He was telling me it's not your fault, and this couldn't be prevented, and apologizing for the awful news- but I couldn't really hear it. Then instead of the normal ultrasound pictures- he handed me a cup ...to pass the baby in and gave me three options of a DNC, naturally letting the baby pass, or drugs to force contractions. That's when I lost it. He gave Jonny and I the room and said take your time.

Each week the pregnancy felt more real and I would get more excited- so yes this is hard for me. I'm grateful Jonny was able to be there through all of this but I could tell it was hard for him to see the baby as well. We both were excited- talking about double strollers, life with two babies, how to announce this to the world, and how blessed we were to have this happen a few months before doing in vitro. We spent over TWO GRAND in Dr. appts and ultrasounds in just the past month. It's the last thing I was worried about but ALL of it sucks pretty bad. And before anyone says "maybe you were meant to do in vitro and have twins in a few months." This is NOT what I need right now. Honestly the hard reality is that it hurts and it sucks and I just need time to heal. Right now I don't want and can't think about the possibility of future babies because I wanted THIS baby. The baby that is STILL sitting in my uterus and wont be very soon. I got attached to THIS particular baby. Today I am angry and sad and scared.

I will be okay- I know I will but for now I am mourning the loss of the baby I was supposed to have. The hardest news for me today is when my fertility brought up the harsh reality that now that I have had two miscarriages in a row my chances of miscarriage jumps from 15 percent  (a normal amount) to now 30 percent. Regardless of doing in vitro or not. I'm already terrified but this just adds to that. I can't imagine going through this pain again. It feels better to write out my feelings...but its hard.

Baby # 3

I am freaking out as I type this because this is definitely one of those things that I am having a hard time keeping secret. Let's discuss "the plan" real quick. Since my last visit at the Dr's office- which was August 20th- I was put on birth control and "planning" to do in vitro in about November December time. The main reason I couldn't do November was simply the fact my sister was getting married and my transfer would have been the week of the transfer. Obviously would not have worked. I took three days of birth control pills and stopped when I found out our insurance would possibly cover pregnancy and I might as well literally wait ONE more month for that. Anywho we went on a few trips, SanFrancisco, newyork, and kept ourselves busy. I caught a cold and a UTI the week I was supposed to go to Disneyland (SUCK) So I went to urgent care.

I spent HOURS there which was super annoying going over the normal. No I'm not pregnant, I'm seriously POSITIVE I'm not pregnant. I told the nurse we are doing in vitro next month lady so leave it alone. She checked anyway. I was by myself because Jonny was watching Deklan at home. The Dr. came in and finally sat down, Well, your urine test came back negative for a UTI...totally non chalant he says, "oh but you ARE pregnant."

I am pretty sure my face went white and I started shaking, and he's like I thought you might freak out. Um NO Dr. YOU DO NOT understand...I am not pregnant. I have only been pregnant ONE other time than doing in vitro- and it was a few months after my son  and I miscarried. He kept talking...about possible infections but I am pretty sure I heard NOTHING because I was in shock. The nurse came in all excited and was like "OH my gosh we were all freaking out when we saw it came up positive so fast!!!! How are you not more excited?" I simply said- there must be a mistake I need to talk to my fertility dr...like now. I went home and handed Jonny my "test result" paper that says real big YOU ARE PREGNANT so start taking your vitamins. He started crying and hugging me which made me cry. I wanted so badly to be excited but I couldn't. I was scared to get attached. I took 6 pregnancy tests in the next week. One a day and every day the line got darker.

Still didn't believe it. I got a blood hcg test at the OBGYN next to my house that got me in days after I found out. She took WAY too long for the results and I was calling like every few hours (enough where the PA told me I'm impatient) I was furious. She had no idea what I had been through. SO I went to my fertility dr who got me results in HOURS. My first HCG was over 1,000 and my second a few days later had over doubled. I didn't believe it! I started to get excited and think how I can finally surprise my family that I got pregnant all on my own. The my RE told me my HCG was scary low. a 5.3 so her put me on progesterone. It's been a whirlwind of a few weeks.

First Office Visit...CHECK!

I seriously can't believe it myself but I FINALLY bit the bullet and went to see my fertility Dr again for the first time in YEARS now. Strange since I practically lived at his office for so long. It was the weirdest thing but I didn't sleep a wink the night before and all day was on pins and needles waiting to get into the office. You would think I was doing the transfer that day or something. I was WAAAAAYYY more nervous than the first time I had ever gone. I was trying to figure out why this felt like such a bigger commitment than last time. I think maybe because I know how much work in vitro is and am terrified of the thought of the emotional roller coaster I am about to embark on.

 Also we are DEFINITELY putting in two embryos this time which means I could have lots of babies running around my house real soon. The moment I saw Dr. Larsen I gave him the biggest hug and already started to feel so much more excitement about this. He went over every question I had and then some. His biggest concern was the fact Deklan came 6 weeks early and he was unsure how many embryos would be best for me. He felt that two was a good amount this time because it's only a 2-3% chance of each of those splitting into two MORE babies. I was terrified of two embryos turning into three or four. So that eased my worry a lot. Since Deklan came early by being induced for low amniotic fluid and not me going into actual labor early he felt comfortable with two embies. And so do I. Jonny has insisted on us having twins and as terrified as I am of the thought of two newborns I also think it would be kinda fun! As long as they are healthy that is what matters most to me.:)

I feel I am totally being long winded in this but I don't want to forget a thing. He wanted to get me in for his October cycle but it was the week my sister is getting married and the reception is at my house. We both decided that was too much stress and to do November. THEN the part that scared me. Our insurance. We have avoided coming into the office for a year now because my insurance does not cover maternity. We finally couldn't wait anymore and just said screw it let's just pay for all of it. My Dr. though had let me know that with the new Obama care apparently people who own small businesses like my husband WILL be allowed to have maternity coverage starting January. So....if I wait a FEW more months for the transfer I will be able to save at least 10 grand for the pregnancy and delivery. We are still calling our insurance tomorrow to see if there is ANY way to switch our lame plan we are on now so we can do the transfer in November but I highly doubt that will work. What's a few more months I guess right? So...for now the plan is to get ALL my testing done. He gave me a drug to start my way late period hopefully next week. I go in on Day one of my cycle and test my blood for a whole bunch of stuff, do an ultrasound to check how my ovaries are doing with cysts, an do a hysteroscopy. SO. Good news...I am getting started!!!!!!!!! The testing is only good six months- and it's expensive. So the reality is there is NO way we will not do this in the next few months!!!

This is a throwback of Deklan at a whopping 4 pounds- he was SO tiny and I hardly remember what to do with a newborn anymore :/