The worst 30th birthday of all time

I figured I should keep documenting for myself. I know I probably have only five readers on this thing- but I am still so grateful that I have documented almost ALL of my infertility journey on here and go back to it often. Today is my birthday. I turned 30 years old. It's a big birthday. A crazy one that reminds me I'm getting REALLY old. Last night I started cramping a lot and getting brown spotting (nothing too crazy) but I knew it would take a few days at least for this to happen. I only had half a day on my birthday to spend with Jonny because I had to drop him off at the airport today at 2. We planned on getting my mind off of things by going out to breakfast and going shopping to buy me clothes. Spending money tends to make me feel better even though half of what I get I end up regretting later. haha! My body definitely had something else in store for me today. I woke up early in the morning with horrendous cramps and jumped straight in the bath to try to use heat for the pain. I even tried pain killers and that didn't even touch it. Blood was pretty much pouring out of me. Jonny went out and got me breakfast and ginormous diaper pads since I can't wear tampons obviously. After hours of pain I did eventually pass the baby. It was a perfect round quarter size sac. I couldn't believe it but I could actually see a baby (TEENY tiny) but it was the baby. My baby. I could see the cord that attached it to the placenta and it's eyes- and even what looked like little arm buds. I balled all morning. I couldn't control my emotions at all. Jonny's sweet sister came over and watched Deklan while I of all things- DID go shopping. I was in so much pain trying on clothes but didn't care- I knew being at home crying would be much worse. After dropping Jonny off at the airport now though I am all alone at my house. I know I could have gotten a sister or friend to be here for me but in all truth and honesty I have just wanted to be at home alone to veg. Hopefully tonight I can get some good rest and the cramps maybe subside. I have hit a wall emotionally and am just at that point I want this behind me. I am tired. Tired at how hard and unfair this is. I know I will get through this but today...today is a really bad day.