So Frustrating.

I forgot all about this part. The annoying part of your body not doing what it's supposed to. I'm not pregnant obviously, which is fine because I don't expect it to be fast this time around. I forgot about the frustrating part of not knowing what the heck is going on with your body. Before I got pregnant I had A LOT of issues with cysts rupturing, very LARGE ones at that. My body wasn't releasing the eggs properly, instead it would keep it and grow a massive painful cyst in it's place, I had ones literally the size of grapefruits that the pain was WORSE than childbirth when they ruptured. Granted I got an epidural when I was barley dialated, but I had to FORCE my body into labor overnight which wasn't easy. I am pretty sure I had one while I was on my cruise a few months ago rupture, just a smaller one, and now I have another one. I am pretty sure it's a larger one. My stomach is SO bloated that I swear you can see one side of my stomach look larger from the outside. I called my fertility specialist which I haven't seen since I was newly pregnant. I am excited to see him, but nervous at the same time. It throws me back into that world of having an RE again. I hate feeling so icky. I can literally feel it throb EVERY step I take- not horrible unbearable pain but ANNOYING pain. Really awful moving during all of this. This is what it looks like on a diagram.



It's awful. Some of you had to go through OHSS like I did with in vitro. Oh my gosh, it's THE WORST. This reminds me of all that awful stuff from in vitro I forgot about and put in the back of my mind. It makes the thought of being pregnant again or doing in vitro very scary and not so enticing. UGH. PLEASE go away cyst. And Don't come back another day. Meanwhile this guy is taking good care of me. :)





And same with this guy. p.s he learned to crawl!!!! Doesn't he look thrilled about it?! :)

Post Partum Part two

I am moving in ONE week and found the billion tiny bottles we used for Deklan when he first came home from the hospital. It kind of hurt my heart to think about the struggles I went through trying SO hard to breast feed for two months straight. I literally was feeding this baby ALL DAY LONG. It was such a process. First I had to pump, clean the pump, attempt Deklan on the boob with the nipple sheild, deal with a very angry baby, then finally give him a bottle of the pumped milk. By the time this process was done I was starting all over again. On top of that he wasn't eating enough. I remember feeding him 20-30 ml of milk (less than ONE ounce!) in the beginning and it would take a HALF HOUR just for that. He was too sleepy to even stay awake for a feeding. It was all so scary.  Made me feel crazy. Things are SO SO much better now, so I thought it would be a good time to  update on how things are going with the post partum. I was reading about a fellow infertile blogger now mom who is dealing with postpartum like I did. If you didn't read when I posted that, you can HERE.

 I struggled A LOT the first two months Deklan was here. I was pretty hard on myself. You really have NO way to truly prepare yourself for motherhood. Dealing with infertility you just assume once the baby is here you WILL BE HAPPY. I just for the record want to say for those soon to be moms out there, or very new moms that THIS DOES CHANGE in most cases. Things do calm down and it's totally normal to feel a little nuts in the beginning. (Maybe even a lot nuts!) When you bring a tiny human into this life, or adopt a child, or however you get your baby, you feel A LOT of responsibility as a parent. It's scary. All the sudden this other perfect little person needs you to survive. That's a lot to handle. You can't just give the baby back when your scared. This child is ALL YOURS! I also always heard how as a mom you naturally know what to do all the time. You don't instantly know your baby and it takes time to get to know them and what they need to be soothed.

Now that Deklan is 8 months old things are so different. If you would like to read his 8 month update you can HERE. The post partum was completely gone when he was about 3 months old I would say. Obviously I have days still when I feel inadequate, or frustrated, or like my job isn't that important. MOST days are amazing. Most days I am in complete awe of this amazing little boy and feel so proud to be his mama. Like I sid, I think it's natural to have moments of insecurities  but seriously as a new mom, or mom to be there is SO MUCH to look forward to. If you are not pregnant yet READ about the first yeat of what to expect- I wish I had!



Hopefully I am not rambeling too much here- my point of this post is to help those moms who DO have those feelings to know it's normal and it usually goes away. :) I finally posted pictures of Deklan's nursery so here are a few.

You can view more pics of his nursery HERE.

 I had a massive migrain today so my hubby took over and cared for our baby boy all day today. I caught him putting him into his bed after letting him fall asleep on his chest. Melted my heart. SO grateful for these two boys in my life. :)