Disbelief

My last post might have sounded like I'm not that excited. Swear I am- just in complete disbelief. It's a weird feeling- I have pictured this moment in my head for SO long- 7 year ALMOST!!! Instead of total excitement I am feeling a lot of fear- not sure if that's totally normal and maybe everyone feels that for a while- not really about being a mom- just to make sure I keep this baby and am doing everything I am supposed to. I haven't connected at all yet- in fact I almost can't say it out loud. "I'm pregnant." I think infertility lasts forever. Those painful feelings haunt you and follow you for a long time. I tried ya know "the natural way" tried MONTHS of chlomed. 4 IUI's, several different doctors, and got a negative pregnancy test every time. PLEASE don't take this as me being ungrateful- more that I am interested in YOUR experiences??Did you feel this way- did you have cramps- because I sure do- I keep "checking" to see if I started my period- because I MUST have. In 2 weeks when we get to hear the heartbeat I'm sure it will be different. Hopefully that REAL excitement of HOLY CRAP a baby is coming in nine months will hit me. For now I am in total disbelief. I was grateful to hear that my blood work came back again perfect! I got my blood taken on Friday morning to check my beta number. Doc said it should be around 150- 200 and it was 330!! YAY! So my body is doing what it's supposed to I think! :) I am naturally just trying to protect myself from possibly getting hurt.

Two Pink Lines

Hawaii was amazing- I was an anxious mess though and bought two pregnancy tests there that haunted me for days. Literally. Every morning I would wake up and stare at the tests and then think- NO Britt it's too early- you can wait this out. I read WAY to many online forums and was freakin myself out about everything.

I got a call Monday morning 5 am from the Doctors office (they forgot Hawaii is three hours earlier then Az- oops!!) and said well you can take a home pregnancy test if you want but if it's negative it could be wrong and be a little depressing...but if it's a positive then it's pretty much accurate- so I thought okay what the heck!!! I'll take it. If it's negative it's what I'm used to so I can handle it. I put a towel over the test and told Jonny to read it for me. He started laughing and said um babe there are TWO pink lines!! I literally was in shock for the next two days- took another one the next morning- still positive. My boobs freakin ached, I was needing afternoon naps in freakin Hawaii, and was peeing like every five minutes- STILL didn't believe it. I only told my sister Sara because I was in shock. This morning after a long red eye flight we went straight to the doctors who took out blood work- They called me around 2:00 ish- Definitley pregnant!!! :) Said my beta is a really high good number of 171 (he was looking for around 100 today he said)!!!! So to make a really long story short. I'm pregnant- and STILL don't believe it! I am only 4 weeks along so I DO know that this is just another hurdle- to get through the first trimester..but still SUPER excited!!!!! :)So here they are- the most BEAUTIFUL pink lines I have ever seen! :)Hawaii was not a bad place to find out. :) Now let's just pray this baby STICKS!!

My Little Fighter Embryo

I haven't posted these because I have been doing lots of this lately:

Thought I would post pictures of the morning of the transfer finally. Here we are in our get up- when you're doing an embryo transfer you literally can't wear makeup, perfumes, smelly hair products- nada- so we showered that morning (no lotions and potions) and headed over in comfy clothes. I took a Valium- an hour before to relax my uterus- it relaxed me enough to sleep the rest of the day though...guess I'm a lightweight. Here we are before the transfer.
When we got there the doctor came in and gave us a speech as promised on how many embryo's we SHOULD transfer. I sat in the room for 15 minutes and cried trying to decide. The embryologist gave me a picture of my embryos and said- this is your embryo- you want room for it to grow and be healthy. So that's what I did. I froze 7 other good embryo's. Dr. said it was enough for another 3 rounds of invitro (doing 2 each time) He said at his office 96% plus of the them survive after being defrosted (haha sounds so funny I froze my babies for later) Luckily those next few times I decide to do in vitro I don't have to go through stimulating more eggs (that was awful)
So here is the picture they gave us of the baby- crazy how that mass is the baby already forming- this was BEFORE it got implanted! The science is amazing to me! The Doctor puts this directly into my uterus- baby's job is then to hatch from it's outer layer and burry into the lining.

Jonny was in the room the whole time holding my hand- It was such a cool process to watch- we got to see on a big screen next to us where the doctor put the baby- so strange-

After the procedure I got lay on this table (sort of upside down) for a half hour. One of the hardest parts- having to pee like a race horse the whole time. I had to have a full bladder before the procedure- seriously thought I was going to pee my pants. Don't worry I didn't.

Here is the end result:

It takes nine days to find out if the embryo attached- the nine days after the transfer look like this:

5-Day Transfer

Days Past Transfer (DPT)	Embryo Development
One	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four	Implantation continues
Five	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six	Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

This morning I got blood work done to check my hormone levels- I continue the progesterone shots in the butt (which is bruised) and wear estrogen patches- this continues till I am 12 weeks pregnant or start a period- so now I pray no period starts- I am hoping this embryo's a fighter! To keep my mind off that I leave for Hawaii bright and early tomorrow morning! :)

One Embryo Transfer...CHECK! :)

I am so so sorry for all those I haven't responded to on facebook and through texts. I am not ignoring you I promise! I have gotten an overwhelming amount of love from good friends and family THANK YOU ALL!!! Your support has gotten me through all this. :) I have been sleeping ALL DAY and the husband hasn't let me left a finger. literally- finally convincing him the labtop wasn't too heavy for me I thought I would give you guys a quick update.

Today went amazing. Jonny's parents came over last night and I got a priesthood blessing - This meant SO MUCH to me because not having my dad here through all of this has been hard. Jonny's dad literally see's me as his daughter and I love him so much for that. He sat and rubbed my feet and hugged me and let me cry to him about my worries. I guess I was craving my dad. I was feeling so confused at how many embryo's to transfer back with how my ovaries have been over stimulated. After the blessing I felt an overwhelming amount of peace that everything is going to be okay. :)

I hadn't slept ALL week and last night after the blessing I slept ALL night no problem. All my anxieties literally just went away. Sunday morning we got in and got to see a picture of our little embryo. After A LOT of discussion, prayers, and tears we decided to only put in one. We want ONE healthy fat chunky baby who gets to go home from the hospital the day I do. I felt in my heart I couldn't handle the trial of sick babies. The doctor said he would be scratching his head if this didn't work- so we were basically choosing- do we want one baby...or TWINS. I think the next time we do this with frozen embryo's we will do two- for now we pray that our one perfect embryo will stick!! When they showed me the picture I looked at it and thought how much more nutrients and room he/she would have with just the one. There is still a SMALL chance (maybe 3%)it could split to two. I figured if god wanted us to have two it will happen naturally. I will post babies first picture tomorrow. I am REALLY really happy today- I have a lot of hope for this little one. :) So now I sit and wait on bed rest. The blastocyst should hatch from it's shell today and implant in the next two days. Tomorrow I have to decide how many of my other embryo's to freeze. A few days after that I get my blood drawn to check my progesterone levels- then HAWAII for a week. The day I get back from Hawaii I get my blood drawn for the pregnancy test- NINE days away!!!!! I am SO excited to finally be here in this moment and can't wait to find out the results. :) Hawaii will be a good distraction.

P.S THANK YOU to those is my ward who decided to bring us dinner the next few days- that has been a HUGE help! :)

Good/ Bad News

Let's start with the awesome news that has kept me going today. :)

A. I get to go see my best friend get married tomorrow!!!!! :) I am so happy for her finding true happiness- and I think she will make a pretty SEXY bride- just sayin. :)

B. My babies are FANTASTIC!!! ONE more little follicle decided to miraculously fertilize a few days later (what a trooper!) the other 17 already fertilized eggs have now grown into 8- 12 celled embryos!! YAY! They also graded each of them today. Embryos are graded based on a lot of different things- Grade 1 being the absolute best. Grade 2 and 3 are also pretty dang good. I had 8 grade ONE embryos, 7 Grade 2 embryo's, and 3 grade 3's. The embryologist told us we will be coming in Sunday morning bright and early- 8:30 am to do a transfer! She said they can change A LOT in the next 2 days and will be 70-80 cells. She said mine will be "beautiful blastocysts by then and very likely to implant! :) She said she was MORE than happy with our results and we should have a good amount to freeze for later.

They will look something like this:



My tummy on the other hand was not doing better. I can't sleep AT ALL (tried LOTS of Tylenol PM and NOT working! )can't walk around much, tummy is MASSIVE and hurting, can't lay on my sides, and back pain...awesome. I didn't want to be a baby (because I am totally aware that I am a SERIOUS wimp! I blame my mom for that one) so I held off on calling the Dr about how bad it was. Last night after hours of tears and frustration Jonny said he was taking me in the morning to see the Doc. I found out I have OHSS Ovarian Hyper stimulation Syndrome. It happens usually in younger IVF patients who produce a lot of eggs. Basically ALL those 29 spots in my ovaries where eggs WERE filled up with fluid and doubled in size (causing my ovaries to be DOUBLE the normal size) In bad cases it can twist your ovaries and cause surgery where they have to be removed. Unfortunately there is no drug or secret way to get rid of it. If I wasn't trying to get pregnant it would just away in a few weeks when I start my cycle again- if you get pregnant it takes A LOT longer to go away. Doc gave me pain meds and told me to sleep, come in Sunday morning and he will check them again. IF my ovaries are the same size as they were today he will still do the transfer- if they get any bigger he is cancelling this cycle and freezing my eggs for a later date. So for now- I wait...again. Chances are at this point the decision of one egg or two will be taken away from me. Even if we do the transfer, Dr. Larsen says two would not be safe for my health or the babies with OHSS. A little sad today- feeling exhausted of the constant stream of trials. Trying to be as positive as I can through this and get lots of sleep.

Decisions Decisions

This whole time I hadn't thought twice about how many embryos we should be transferring. I knew it would be 2. Two gives a better chance of getting pregnant right? Not exactly. I guess it's not that simple. It all depends on the "grade" of the embryo's which is why the doctor will usually never tell you till the day of the transfer what he would suggest to do. In case you don't know- ONE embryo can split to TWO babies- meaning TWINS. Not bad- I could handle two- I mean I would love to catch up for all this time I've lost- and who knows how my fertility will be in the future. HOWEVER putting TWO embryo's back can split to THREE or even FOUR babies. Let's be real- four babies would be unmanageable...and dangerous- even triplets is really dangerous on the babies and the mom. They usually deliver at like 30 weeks. The doctor will call me Friday morning with more information on the "grade" of the embryo's as well as the time he wants to do the transfer (Friday or Sunday) He ALSO told me today that with how things have gone thus far our success rates are high and we will be having a serious conversation before the transfer about putting back one instead of two. He see's multiples as a big risk (for their health and mine) My end goal in all this: A HEALTHY baby! So I don't want to risk the life of one baby for a chance at another...I am reading and finding all sorts of horror stories (never good to over research online) and am at a loss. The husband says we should go for two- My Doctor says one...I have NO idea anymore. YIKES. I think being off work this week I have had too much time to think about these things. Hence so much posting. Now I am off to get ALL my laundry done, organize, pack for Hawaii (in case the transfer is Friday) So- how many...one embryo...or TWO? Who know how this could turn out- I could literally get one, two, three, four, or NO baby- so many scenarios here to consider...How do you make that decision?!!!

I found this blog on these adorable quads- but they are still struggling in their health- it would be SO hard! They are dang cute though aren't they?

I have LOTS of praying to do!

Stats :)

Total of 29 Follicles

21 were mature

6 were at an intermediate (a decent size)

2 were immature

Injected 27 with icsi (They literally inject ONE single sperm into each of the eggs- all but 2 because they were too little. They were thrown out.)

Out of 27, 17 fertilized normally

1 showed an intermediate fertilization (mean it COULD fertilize today) They are still watching it

6 showed no evidence of fertilization (still watching these ones JUST in case)

2 fertilized abnormally (These two were thrown out)

1 didn’t survive the process

When I got the phone call this morning at 8:30 am- (I was literally just WAITING for this call) I couldn't contain my excitement. The embryologist said- "Do you have a minute." UM YES! She told me all the stats when I was out walking my dog this morning and I literally ran upstairs and said, "Wait can you repeat all that AGAIN to my husband." haha! The lady probably loves her job- getting to deliver the good news to these psychotic "moms to be" I woke up this morning and FIRST thing I did was think about those embryo's...I can't imagine how it will feel actually HAVING a child of my own. (hopefully) I will be a pretty protective mom I'm sure- not meaning to be- just by nature. I woke up this morning with my stomach probably DOUBLE what it was the day before (not even joking) So I called in a little concerned. Dr. told me it's normal- the spots where all those eggs were have now filled up over night with fluid. Still REALLY achy- They will call me Friday to let me know how the embryo's are- there is a possibility of doing the transfer either Friday or Sunday at this point. Just depends on their growth. So now I just pray for them from a far.

This is what they should look like now- a one celled fertilized Egg

This is what I WANT them to look like the day of the transfer-a healthy 8 cell embryo (I get REAL pictures of them then! )


So weird how fast all this happens! By the time I get implanted I will be "3 weeks pregnant" I should find out nine days after implantation- luckily I will be in Hawaii to keep my mind off things. I have two friends just a few weeks behind me- PRAYING for you ladies! )