Coping

Today has been probably my worst melt down with fertility yet. I write this with tears streaming down my face and a box of Kleenex in hand. Someone EXTREMELY close to me is pregnant. I am not sure if this person is announcing this to the world or not which is why they will remain nameless. She wasn't "trying" to get pregnant- and she did NOTHING wrong. She even told me the way that I wanted her too. In a letter. Sounds lame but I can't seem to deal with te face to face stuff. Probably because I feel the need to be happy and excited for them- but in reality I'm sad for myself. How selfish is that. My heart aches so bad. This person was sweet and sincere and deserves nothing but happiness at this special moment. But instead she has to worry about me. I hate being THAT person. The person that everyone is worried about. Trust me I WISH I wasn't this person- and that I could shut off my feelings...but I can't. I've tried. So I write, which makes me feel a little better. I try to put things in perspective- that it's going to be okay- that my turn is next. But I have done this SO many times. And I'm tired.