Count Down Time

9 days till I start the injections

30 days till my egg retrieval

33- 35 days till implantation (depending on how my babies grow)

35 days till Hawaii

43 days till I find out if I'm pregnant.

Birth Control

Considering I have only tried birth control twice- both times to GET pregnant- and only for one month at a time- I don't have much experience with it. Zeosa sucks compared to my last one I took. I FREAKED today because I started having really bad cramps and was bleeding!!! What the heck? Isn't that supposed to end all of that?? The pain- bloating- bleeding- the crankiness?? I am grateful I don't have to be on it long- and feel bad for those of you who have to live on this stuff for sometimes years. Just sayin- if this baby works- NOT using birth control- probably won't need it. One of the ONLY perks to PCOS and fertility problems.

Fear of Falling

I have a fear of falling. Not falling from a high rise building or falling out of a plane- a fear of falling in life. Do you ever fear that fall so much that you decide to never take that jump in life? It could be a new job, starting a new life, or adding another member to your family. I have been so afraid of taking this next step- because there is a chance I can fail. I do this A LOT in life. I am so scared of failing that I don't jump at all. Take 10th grade for instance- I had just finished cheer in 9th grade and chose NOT to try out in 10th grade JUST IN CASE I don't make the squad. That would be SO much more awful to say that I tried and failed than to say I never tried at all. I used that excuse to not try out for the Euporea dance team ALL THREE years in high school. It made me feel better to stick in advanced dance and say I never tried. I felt comfortable there. Not to say I ever would have made it- but the point is I never tried. I FINALLY tried out for varsity Pom my senior year again and ended up having a blast that year because of it. Another example- school. I am STUCK in my masters program- can't move on because I have been too scared to take the stupid Paxis test because I could fail. In vitro is that last step- the last step to take before realizing my body might never be able to carry a child. It scares me. A lot. I am NOT going to cower away from it like I have SO many things in my life in fear of that failure though. The possible outcome outweigh's the possible failure is SO many ways! So I am taking that jump- and hoping I fly.

(Just for kicks n giggles- this was from LAST time in Hawaii- I won't be literally skydiving this time around- just taking it easy on the beach trying to take my mind off of what COULD be happening inside my body)
I am praying and hoping I get OUT of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is the last almost 8 years of my life. Being married- JUST the two of us- plus Lexi of course- maybe JUST maybe one day I will have a new "comfort zone" in life.

OH- I am cotemplating acupuncture right now- has anyone done this?? Just curious if this would be worth the money??

****GASP***

Hello Brittany,

Here is the list of your medications and prices:

Follistim AQ 300IU #2 cartridges $568 (Design RX drug disount price)

Follistim AQ 900IU #2 cartridges $1,704 (Design RX drug disount price)

Menopur 75IU #10 vials $720 (Heart plus drug discount program)

Lupron kit #1 kit $45 (insurance copay)

HCG (Novarel) #1 vial $71.60 (Heart plus drug discount program)

Progesterone in Cottonseed oil 100mg/ml #2 vials $38.15 (insurance copay)

Progesterone suppositories 100mg #40 suppositories $120 (cash price/not covered by insurance)

Vivelle dot 0.1mg #24 patches $83.17 ($45 copay with insurance/$38.17 cash price/$0 with voucher)

Baby Aspirin 81mg #90 tablets $6.90 (cash price/insurance does not cover)

Medrol 16mg #7 tablets $10 (copay with insurance)Dexamethasone 0.5mg #10 tablets $2.11 (copay with insurance)

Nestabs plus DHA #60 (30 day supply) $49.49 (copay with insurance)

Diazepam 5mg #1 tablet $1.12 (copay with insurance)

Azithromax 500mg #9 tablets $10 (copay with insurance)

This order also included needles, syringes and a sharps container. Please give us a call at 1-866-920-1880 if you have any further questions.



Regards,


$3422.64 in drugs ALONE- I think I feel sick!:(

A New Beginning

This is the start to what I HOPE and pray is the ending to a hard few years of infertility. Infertility REALLY affects every aspect of your life and it's impossible to understand unless you have dealt with it. This is also something that I don't think will ever leave you. I will always remember what I have gone through- regardless if this works or not. Jonny told me last week that he had paid for In Vitro- The first step oddly enough is birth control- who knew??? haha! I started Zeosa (some form of birth control) 2 days ago. This is the second time I have taken birth control in MY LIFE. Both times I take it for ONE month to GET pregnant- how ironic.:) I am also taking metformin (meant for diabetes even though I don't have it) to help with my insulin levels with my PCOS. Today I dry heaved for about 5 minutes at my desk because that stuff makes me SO SICK! It's crazy what you will do though when you want something so bad! I JUST got off the phone with Jen (the lady at the fertility office who coordinates every girls cycle at the office) what a tough job- and she is sending me out a calendar first thing in the morning with every step I will be taking for the next 6 weeks to get my body where it needs to be. From what I know- I take birth control for about 3 weeks- do injections and other drugs to induce LOTS of eggs, get put under to get the eggs (around Sept 13th) implant the ones that made it in the petri dish on the 16th- then lay on bed rest for a few days to let those babies implant. Right now I am struggeling with all these feeling of anxiety- I am worried about being too selfish to be a good mom- Jonny and I have lived in our own little world for so long. I know this will be a massive adjustment. I am not even thinking about the fact it might NOT work- can't handle those feelings for now. Right now I have to think positive and just hope for the best. I just hope to be a good mom.

Ups and Downs

Things have been so up and down in the "fertility" department. One day I am feeling hopeful and excited- the next on the verge of tears for no apparent reason. Some days my feelings literally change mid day- like today. I was doing good- not thinking about anything- then I get to read my sisters blog and see that she is officially showing. She has that cute baby bumb that I want SOOOO bad and am SO far away from getting. I start to feel jealous, irritated, and sad. Mad at myself for feeling sad and so on. I have a friend on facebook who I SWEAR de-friended me for not going to a stinken baby shower the DAY I found out my sister was pregnant. That felt good. Reminded me that people probably think I'm such a jerk about this stuff- but what they don't know is they don't understand! I didn't even get out of bed that day- let alone feel the need to hear about babies for two hours! It takes strength for me to go to those events on regular days let alone the hard ones.

I got ALL my testing done and it actually came back normal! Super exciting on one hand that things look good- but frustrating on the other that it's not happening for any "explained" reason. People tell you to "Relax"- so I try SOOOO hard to relax. It doesn't work- the feelings just come back and haunt you. So here I am- back at square one- once again.

You Control It

What troubles you is not reality itself. What troubles you is your interpretation of reality.
What frustrates you, motivates you, inspires you and disappoints you are not the facts of the situation but how you choose to view them. And in that fact is enormous power.
You are never at the mercy of random circumstance. On the contrary, you are in control of your whole world because you are in control of the way it all affects you.
Your choice in every moment, of how to see that moment, really matters. Your choice of how to respond to whatever comes your way, really matters.
You have great influence over all that matters to you. You can decide what it means to you, and you also control what you do about it.
You could choose to assume that you're powerless, and your very assumption will make itself true. Or, you can choose to see the real power of your perspective, and use it to create the life of your dreams.
-- Ralph Marston