I am not even sure where to start with on this post. I have had a million emotions this past week and am still a little unsure on how I feel. I have been super busy these past few weeks with one sister coming home from her mission, one who got married, our first big family vacation, and lots of running around! This past week I was feeling EXTRA tired, totally broke out like crazy, and had LOTS of cramps. I was late on my period (by like 3 weeks) which is totally normal for me so I figured that time of the month was coming. I went to the store and bought some midol for the cramps and JUST in case....a pregnancy test. I went home, took care of Deklan, worked on his room for a while and then remembered I should take the pregnancy test- ya know for kicks and giggles because there was NO way I could be pregnant. The ONLY positive pregnancy test I have EVER gotten was right after in vitro this time around. Anyways, I took the test and didn't even think twice about it. I even thought in my head- I wonder if I will feel sad WHEN it shows up negative. Well it showed up positive. I almost crapped my pants- sorry for the expression- but SERIOUSLY?!!! Never ONCE in almost NINE years have I got pregnant on my own and the FIRST possible month it could have happened- it DID! My last period was around July 1st (maybe a little before), which put me at around 7-8 weeks pregnant and my baby coming around April!! I. WAS.IN.SHOCK! So I tested again- it instantly showed positive.
I finally got in for an ultrasound today at 1:00. I was A MESS up till then not knowing what to expect. I had heard so many stories of the ultrasound during a miscarriage ...seeing the baby and no heartbeat, seeing NO baby at all, or seeing a baby WITH a heartbeat and knowing it's going to end soon, or a baby growing in your fallopian tube...ALL of these things scared me. I wasn't crying- just CRANKY and short with my husband...very irritable and confused.
I was in a daze during the appointment and just wanted to be over with it. The Dr. found nothing in the ultrasound. He said he knew one thing as a fact- I was pregnant as of right now in terms of my HCG levels. My cervix was closed meaning I had passed the baby probably. He DID say there could be a TINY chance of me being VERY early pregnant and just not being able to detect it. I HIGHLY doubt that with how much blood I lost and the icky pain. It just felt like a REALLY bad period. I held myself together really well during the whole thing. Then the Dr (who is also a family friend) said you are going to mourn for this baby at some point. It may be now, or it may be in nine months when you were supposed to have the baby- but it WILL happen. I had a little melt down in the office and then left.
To be honest I am doing okay right now. I feel like I have been through worse at this point. And I am just so incredibly grateful for baby Deklan AND to have even GOTTEN pregnant in the first place. I went shopping and spent way too much money after all this to help me feel better. Tried to look at the positive side of all this- that I got pregnant AT ALL on my own.
The hardest part was not knowing how to feel. I felt guilty for being sad when I have been, because HOW could I be sad when I have this amazing baby right here with me and I had only known I was pregnant for a few short days. When I felt okay for the moment, I felt guilty for feeling okay when I was loosing baby #2 and could never get that exact child back. The one WE MADE outside of a petri dish. The sadness is coming from a place of what this child would have been like in our family...was it a boy- a girl? What would they have looked like? I don't like that the Dr. left things a little up in the air. I don't like that feeling in the back of my mind that MAYBE just MAYBE there is a baby there. I also feel SO SO SO incredibly guilty for the past few weeks running around like a mad woman for weddings, vacations, and other things like that. I was to say the least a STRESS BALL this past month with family drama going on. I felt like this all contributed and if I would have known I would have taken better care of myself...better care of my baby.
For now I am going to wait a few months on trying to get pregnant again- or LACK of some form of birth control. My body NEEDS to heal. I need to heal. I can't handle another miscarriage right now. Feeling this little bit of pain makes me feel so much for all of you ladies that have dealt with this several times. And ESPECIALLY for those of you who lost your babies further along. It hurts to feel that your bodies failed you on something so important- on sustaining that beautiful life. Life is precious...and fragile. Baby #2 will always have a special place in my heart.
These difficult times and trials have helped me to realize how beautiful life truly is. How things that seam so big in life are sometimes NOT worth worrying about. I am talking about drama and silly friends. I am going to soak up EVERY moment with my son- and hold him even tighter tonight.