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Saturday, April 2, 2011

Coping

Today has been probably my worst melt down with fertility yet. I write this with tears streaming down my face and a box of Kleenex in hand. Someone EXTREMELY close to me is pregnant. I am not sure if this person is announcing this to the world or not which is why they will remain nameless. She wasn't "trying" to get pregnant- and she did NOTHING wrong. She even told me the way that I wanted her too. In a letter. Sounds lame but I can't seem to deal with te face to face stuff. Probably because I feel the need to be happy and excited for them- but in reality I'm sad for myself. How selfish is that. My heart aches so bad. This person was sweet and sincere and deserves nothing but happiness at this special moment. But instead she has to worry about me. I hate being THAT person. The person that everyone is worried about. Trust me I WISH I wasn't this person- and that I could shut off my feelings...but I can't. I've tried. So I write, which makes me feel a little better. I try to put things in perspective- that it's going to be okay- that my turn is next. But I have done this SO many times. And I'm tired.

4 comments:

  1. Oh Britt! I am so sorry! I don't know if you remember but my sister had to have a hysterectomy after her first and only baby @ 22 years old. When I got pregnant the 2nd time, I was scared to tell her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings or make her feel that I expected her to jump for joy. I prayed about it and funny enough, I got the feeling that she should be the first person I tell (it was WAY early). It was hard but such a sweet moment. I just want you to know that I respect you for doing this blog. It isn't easy but I gain a lot of insight and am more aware of those around me and what they are struggling with. Thanks for sharing. Even the hard stuff :)

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  2. Brittany I love you and we can be "that person" together.
    I am so glad u decided to write about all of this...I hope u know u r not alone.

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  3. I'm so sorry Britt. That must be so hard.

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  4. You deserve to have a little pitty party. I'm sorry that you and others have to go thru that. Just look forward. Good luck!

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