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Monday, April 18, 2011

Day 5

Well, I FINALLY started my period on time. I share these personal things on this blog because it's private- so I can.:) The ONE time my body starts ON TIME was the first day of my vacation- since I was all the way in Salt Lake City I have to wait another month (or however long it takes for my monthly visitor to come again) to get my fertility testing done- grrr so frustrating! Oh well, minor set back. Point is- I'm moving forward. And oddly enough- kind of excited for my baby sister to be having a baby. Yep- she pretty much announced it now. Her brother in law in Washington doesn't know and that's it- so don't facebook congratulate her just yet! She is 7 weeks along and wasn't trying. The first week was really hard for me- I'm still dealing with the feelings- but am getting excited for a new niece or nephew. I just ALWAYS thought I would have the first grandbaby- the one that everyone is MOST excited for. When that got taken away from me- I panicked- are ALL my sisters going to have babies before me?? I am just trying to take one day at a time- and be grateful for the amazing life I do have. Thank you all for your loving support.

2 comments:

  1. since my sister probably doesnt have an invite to this I will be honest here. I died inside the say she told me she was pregnant with her first over 2.5 years ago. It was the same feelings you expressed here. I was the oldest. I had been married longer, this was my job to have the first grandbaby. And even more annoying was we had been trying for some time at that point and my mom had issues getting pregnant with me so LeMae figured it would take her time. She went off the pill and got pregnant that month. I couldn't understand why it was so easy for her. Thank goodness I was in utah during his birth and first year of his life. I hated being so far away, but gosh it made it easier. I didnt have to see her pregnant, I didn't have to see him. I loved him with all my heart and when this baby is born you will understand, but it is amazing how much I love my nieces and nephews. But I resented her and him. It wasnt fair! Then we moved back here and we started the IVF process and she kinda dissapeared off the face of the earth and was supposed to be helping me with a boutique I was selling things at. She called me to appologize and I knew what was coming next. Yup, she was pregnant again. I made up an excuse to get off the phone and bawled my eyes out. Again, not fair. The worst thing I had to deal with was people getting pregnant and ignoring you because they are afraid to upset you. I hated that! LeMae doesn't find out what sex the babies are so its a surprise on delivery day. I did know I was 6 weeks pregnant when she had her second and I was with her for the majority of labor. But left for delivery because blood and guts freak me out. When I got the call it was a girl I was at the Mesa High football game. I had tears streaming down my face. Not only was she having the first 2 grandbabies, but she also stole having the first girl. In that moment I was ticked and hurt. But then I got a call that the baby wasnt doing well and rushed to the hospital. It no longer mattered. It put me in my place. And I am not sure why I just told you all that, BUT I wanted you to know I get it. I know how that feels. I am glad you are being so open and honest with your feelings here. I wish I had done the same, but my sister is the most sensative person I know and it would kill her to know how I truly felt. So if you did give her an invite to this blog , please delete this comment. I wish I could tell you get gets easier or better, but I wont lie to you. It's pure hell. One thing a friend told me who had gone thru this hell was that it's ok to not be ok. And I know you prob hate this next statement as much I did, but it really is all about the lords timing. But it's in your hands to do what you need to do to get your body to function properly. Thank goodness for technology and doctors. Do whatever you need to do to find peace each day. You dont have to be at peace all day long because its impossible. But find something daily to be grateful for even for a split second you are happy each day continue doing it. :D If you need anything I am here!

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  2. My younger sister just called and told me that she was pregnant. She wasn't trying and has been married less than two months. I have been married for two years and been doing fertility treatments since May. Reading this has made me feel so much better and that I wasn't alone in my feelings. Thank you so much for sharing!

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