This time was different. For weeks we would slowly tell family and close friends. People were finding out and things were feeling more real. After seeing a few ultrasounds and actually seeing a heartbeat I finally started planning how to tell everyone. I finally was getting the courage to get excited and believe the pregnancy was real.
Last Monday at 7 and a half weeks pregnant the baby stopped growing and we had to see the baby on ultrasound without a heartbeat. Jon and I were devastated. We found out we were pregnant about a month earlier. The moment we possibly could find out we did. We went to urgent care thinking I was sick. Come to find out I was pregnant- ON OUR OWN.
I couldn't understand WHY everything worked out the way it did. We found out early enough to make sure things were okay. At least that's what I thought. We kept going through hurdles- tests, low progesterone, low heartbeat- and then it ended. On my 30th birthday the miscarriage happened naturally. The baby actually looked like a baby. For days I have been a mess and unsure how to pick up the pieces.
Jonny didn't handle things well this time. Making it hard on me as well. Generally he is the strong one. So I can throw all my emotion on him and he just hugs me and lets me cry it out. This time he left. He had a trip planned for months to go hunting with a bunch of guys in Utah. The day we found out about the miscarriage I told him I still wanted him to go (deep down I wanted him to say NO way! You come first and there is NO way Id leave you like this.) I didn't tell him because I wanted him to just know what to do. To me it seemed so obvious. Then he left. I cried and cried and got so angry at him. Really angry. I'm sure all my anger ended up on him. When he got back though he looked refreshed.
He finally admitted to me he needed those days to process. He was I think even more excited than I was about this baby and forgot attached after seeing the heartbeat. To be honest I was so wrapped into my own emotions I forgot this would hurt him too. When we were together that week I was crying and angry making it difficult to take the time he needed to grieve as well. Now I get it and am glad he went. Oddly enough by the end of that day and a half by myself I realized he gave me the time I needed as well. He made up for it by surprising me with an overnight babysitter (my sister) couples messages and a super nice resort to just be together. I will say it tested us though. We were both angry and took it out on each other.
My mom gave me a book that I was hesitant to read. To be honest I really didn't want to hear anything from anybody. Even the positive stuff like "yes you will get pregnant again." Or "You will have the chance one day to raise this baby." I didn't believe it and couldn't see past the hurt. All I could see was that it wasn't fair. I was angry. And then I began to read this book called Extraordinary Comfort by David Assay. He wrote about an experience of his mom passing away and going to the "other side." She came back to tell them that she had met her baby that was still born at 6 months pregnant along with another grandchild that her daughter had miscarried. She talked about these babies being ours still. The book was exactly what I needed in that moment. A reminder that there is hope and I am definitely not alone in this.
"Life's not always fair. Sometimes you can get a splinter even sliding down a rainbow." -Terri Guillements. That is exactly how I felt. What was the purpose in this amazing miraculous pregnancy? Was it meant JUST solely to haunt me? I am slowly realizing that this is just one of life's most difficult challenges and it was meant to help me remember what I DO have.
"Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isnt." -Richard Bach. I still have MORE trials to go through- we all do, and that's okay. Every trial I have been through has somehow made me stronger.
My heart right now aches with grief I never knew existed. This loss rocked my foundation to the core. Yet through all of this pain something beautiful rose up from the ashes. I feel moments of peace through my grieving. I feel shattered and broken but I recognized an inner strength that I have. Despite the loss, I can't imagine now NOT feeling the joy of this child's conception. Which is why I am sharing with all of you. Regardless of how this ended, this baby's short life WAS in deed a miracle and for a reason. That little spirit will always be a part of our family. That may not make sense to a lot of you- or seem extreme with how short the pregnancy was, but to me that short month we knew we were pregnant felt like an eternity of hopes and dreams wrapped up in one little package. That baby WAS loved and excited for and we were blessed to carry them for that short period of time. And as much as it hurts, I am grateful I got to experience that. I am not the same person I was just a month ago- the experience has forever changed me. "A miracle isn't always the miracle we're hoping for: But that doesn't make it any less of a miracle." -Hana Haatainen Caye