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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Truth About PostPartum

It's hard. No one really ever told me this. Or maybe it never registered. I am going to be brutally honest here- so if you are struggling with infertility you may not want to read. Just a warning because I honestly HATED reading about complaints when women had a baby!! What more could a person possibly want than a precious child of their own? Trust me I HATE that I feel like this- I am hoping that maybe support from other moms might help on this matter.

Deklan will be a month old this week- the days have all kind of blended together so it feels like it's been days...really LONG days. Deklan is perfect! He is more perfect and sweet and lovable than I ever even expected. So why in the world am I struggling?? My hormones have never served me well- pre pregnancy, during pregnancy, so why would they after pregnancy? My husband said my demeanor has been off. That hurts. I don't want to be sad- and I don't understand why I would be. I am so incredibly blessed right now. I am EXACTLY where I wanted to be for SO SO LONG. I have an amazing husband who has honestly done MORE than his fair share with taking care of the baby- he has been home with me for a MONTH. He takes half of the night shifts even so I can ATTEMPT to get some sleep. I have a healthy, sweet, adorable baby. One that I tried for SO LONG for! I am a stay at home mommy and have a home and everything I could possibly need. My guess for the blues...feeling inadequate. This feeling ALWAYS creeps in. Before it was for not being able to conceive and now- it's not being a good enough mommy. I haven't cooked one meal since I have been home...not lying. I can't keep up with the household chores- hence the need for a house cleaner every 2 weeks, and probably where most of these feelings are coming from...I can't breast feed for the life of me. No super mommy going on over here.

 It's the question every person asks the moment they see your new little one...are you breastfeeding? Goodness- it feels about as bad as the "Do you have kids question!" I feel awful to answer no. With Deklan coming so early he was forced onto the bottle for a week in the niccu. They did this to judge how much he was taking in (making sure he got enough calories) For the past month I pump ALL. THE. TIME. It feels like it consumes me. I am pumping constantly. I still try him "on the breast" daily- but he hates it. I feel like I missed something. Maybe that bond between mom and baby that happens the first week of life. The nurses in the niccu took care of him more than I did. I hate that. I will keep trying but goodness- a whole month of pumping and NO REAL breast feeding can ware on you. Then I feel guilty for not eating the right stuff or getting the right amount of sleep. It's overwhelming how much you love your child and want the best for them. When you are not filling all of those responsibilities to the BEST of your abilities- you...or may I rephrase that "I" feel guilty.

As well, I have been a working lady for a long time. I am not used to not getting up, getting dressed, having a social life outside of the house, and getting praised for a job well done. I feel like my husband cares for Deklan better than I do. I thought everything would come so naturally for me and it didn't. With him being so tiny I was afraid to touch him the first few days he was here and than had to learn everything from the nurses in terms of diapers, feedings, baths, and schedules. This is all new to me. It's the biggest change I have had in my life for sure, and it's overwhelming! SO- I am going to try to get myself back into shape and feeling "myself again." I am going to snuggle my baby more than ever- because he does make me feel better, and try to reach out to family and friends ore. Hopefully this will help. Has anyone else dealt with this after infertility, or just in general? Needing some advice- and goodness- I need to get out of the house apparently! Time to get life back in order- as much as I possibly can at least! And please please don't take this post wrong- I am SO incredibly grateful for this experience to be a mom. I really am! Just overwhelmed with the responsibilities that come along with and trying to work through that. Those feeling plus no sleep, and an add in of "first time parent anxiety" is never a good mix either. :)

P.S I just need to add that I would take this struggle over any other- and I KNOW this doesn't compare in any way shape or form to what others deal with. Hence this will be hopefully my only post on this- because I know I need to suck it up and just enjoy this time! Just needing to vent- I want to get it out there and move on so to speak.

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Best Mothers Day Ever

I will keep this short and simple. I used to HATE Mothers Day. I still kind of have bad feelings about it. I maybe always will. One thing I do know- is that this was the best one yet. :) This picture was taken today- he is THREE weeks old now and I love him more every day. These past three weeks have been hard- I will talk on that in another post. For now though I want to say a late HAPPY MOTHERS DAY to all women out there. All women deserve to be recognized on this day. It's a tough day for a lot of people out there still struggling to have their little miracle. Last year I had NO idea I had such an amazing surprise waiting for me one year later. Infertility is unfair- and my hope is that all of you will get your little miracle you deserve! Happy Mothers Day to ALL of you! :)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

This Blog

Deklan is now almost TWO WEEKS OLD! YIKES! (This picture was taken the first time Jonny's mom got to hold him)

 I haven't been getting much sleep these days (who knew! :)  It has been so fun to get to know Deklan and his little personality these past few weeks. He makes me smile every time I snuggle him. However this blog was initially intended for my journey to pregnancy and the difficult times I have had with infertility. I want to keep it that way and not overwhelm anyone with obsessive pictures of my son. SO- I will be adding LOTS of updates of Deklan on my family blog. This blog will continue to me outlet. I still struggle. I still need this community of amazing support I have found. I am still reading all of your journey's as well. So for those of you who would like to see my family updates you can HERE. For those who aren't too interested in that- I am still going to be on this blog. 

Jonny and I want to have a big family. I have no idea if my body will let me do this again but we want to try. We won't be using any form of birth control- I have NO idea if I will be able to get pregnant on my own this time around. If I had my ideal situation- it would be to have some time with Deklan before getting pregnant again -however I would be THRILLED if I could get pregnant right away obviously as well. I am scared to death to "try" again. If it doesn't work we have seven frozen babies waiting to be defrosted. That also scares me. What the heck would I do with seven frozen babies if I CAN get pregnant on my own?!!! Goodness they are already embryo's. They are Jonny and MY babies just waiting to be implanted. Could I ever have the heart to throw them away?? Could I possibly give them away knowing that MY babies are somewhere out there with another family? All things I will have to deal with in the future. For now- I will snuggle Deklan and enjoy the moment. :)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Deklan's Birth Story

I wrote this in the hospital one of the nights I wasn't able to sleep- so hopefully it all makes sense:

I still can’t believe I am actually writing this. Ya know, my son’s “birth” story? I don’t think anything or anyone could have prepared me for what to expect. It was both the most AMAZING day of my life, and the hardest. Right now I haven’t slept in seriously days- (a total of 5 hours last night) not at all tonight and none the first night either. I’m a little delirious but none the less…here we go J

5/2/2012: 10:30 am was another normal routine ultrasound to check on Deklan’s fluid levels. He had passed his NST with flying colors Monday- so we assumed his levels were up and were even planning a trip to Vegas for a family reunion a few days later. The ultrasound lady said his amniotic fluid level was 7.2 ( a whole point higher from the week before) which to us sounded fantastic compared to the first scary week which was 5.5. Anything below a 5 we were supposed to get him out. Usually the ultrasound was pretty short but Deklan wasn’t moving a lot. He would wiggle around a little but after an hour the ultrasound tech said was a little off.

They sent us back to the normal NST and hooked us up the monitor. Usually this takes 20 minutes or so. They were REALLY busy in the office so I sorta thought they forgot about us and left us on there for over an hour. At about 1:00ish (2 and a half hours into the stinken appointment) Dr Huish walks in and said- well you are clear to go to Vegas next week- but you will have a baby in your arms!! J

WHAT? I thought he was joking. He always tries to make light of everything and not worry you but in the end he said Deklan got a 4/8 score on his ultrasound (normally his was 8/8) and failed the NST. Again totally made it sound like everything was fine (which it was) and to head over to labor and delivery and he would meet me there. I asked if I could go back and pack- he said sure! Pack for a few days just in case. We drove home in a daze- packed in a daze, and drove to the hospital in a daze. The whole thing confused me and neither of us believed it. We both figured they would hook us up to a monitor and send us home.

We got to the hospital around 2 pm that day, they hooked me up to the nst and said Deklan was perfect. No sign for need of induction at all. They called Dr Huish who said NOPE- put her on Pictocin and let’s get the baby out. Jonny kicked into high gear and was bouncing off the walls excited to meet our baby boy. He was calling everyone, taking pictures, trying to unpack…and I looked a little sick. The nurse had to tell him to calm down, that I looked like I was having an anxiety attack and needed to time to let it sink in basically…hahaha!

The nurse checked me and I was not anywhere NEAR dilated. His head was SO far up she said it could take days. She decided to start me slow since she was forcing my body into labor and the baby was fine. They started me on Cervadill instead and said it will take 12 hours to really soften my cervix and THEN she could do Picotcin. I had period like cramps that whole night and couldn’t sleep from anxiety- and my normal hormonal migraine.

4/3/2012  10 am the next morning I was checked and was 80 percent ephased and dilated to a 1 and a half. The doctor broke my water to force me into harder labor ( THAT HURT SO BAD!!!!) The next few hours I was in BAD pain- they had only given me Tylenol and everything hurt! I tried taking a hot shower, moving around the room, nothing was really helping. The contractions were coming they were just VERY inconsistent- at periods of time they were big than small, sometimes closer together than would go to nothing. I asked for pain medicine and the nurse told me just go ahead and get the epidural because we are gonna be adding a lot of pitocin to the mix and was already in pain. I was shaking so incredibly bad (not sure if that was from the pain I was in or nerves) It scared the crap out of Jonny so when the epidural guy came in he turned pure white and almost passed out- haha! Yep he was THAT guy. I was so focused on him having to sit down and a nurse getting him juice and what not that the epidural felt like nothing- haha! It was a small bee sting and WAY better than the contraction pains. 

I HATED being confined to my bed after that- but having a catheter and no pain was fantastic!!!!! It wore off at about 4:00 but I was checked and only at a 2 so I decided not to push the button. LUCKILY my amazing nurse pushed it for me and was like- mmmm just in case you should need it- haha! (THANK GOODNESS she did)

My legs felt like a million pounds- my sister Sara came in with my nephew Luke and a GINORMOUS card and balloons her and my sister put together. As soon as she walked in the door I started having this intense pressure down south. Not just pressure though- it felt like the baby was seriously pushing out of my body! It shocked me the first time and I told my sister and nurse (who kinda looked at me like I was crazy since I was JUST a 2 45 minutes earlier) the nurse said she would check me to be safe. 

She checked- checked again, and again. So I said, “watch there is NO progress and I am just talkin crazy talk here.” She’s like No actually you are a 10! Let me call the Dr. You are having this baby right now! I started shaking after that..totally freaked me out and put me in panic mode. I looked AWFUL so my sisters started rushing around trying to do my hair and make up (because you KNOW that’s important for pictures J) The nurse looked a little stressed so the girls left within a few minutes, put me on some oxygen since the baby’s heart rate dropped and told me NOT to push. 

She sat in the room by her self making calls, told Jonny to come look because she can see the head. Again, NO ONE was in the room to deliver the baby. She was a little frantic trying to get all the people in the room since he was a preemie baby. Dr Huish finally rushes in, said he broke some laws to get here that quick and told me to push. I pushed through two contractions and the baby was out! No episiotomy thank goodness- and I didn’t feel a darn thing (whew)

 As soon as Deklan arrived he was screaming his head off which immediately got mom and dad both crying. They had to wisk him away from me right away which was hard- he was just so so tiny. He arrived at 5:36 pm weighing 4.23 pounds and 17 inches long. After delivering the placenta they put him on my chest. He stopped crying and just stayed there peacefully. I was immediately in love with this boy. He has the sweetest spirit about him. They tried to get him to nurse but his sucking reflux wasn’t very strong so they took him away to feed and clean him up. After I was able to walk I was able to go visit him. A few people were able to see him but not hold him. He had to conserve his energy for feeding. He was in the niccu for 7 days. They thought he would be AT LEAST two weeks but he proved them all wrong by getting things down in no time. Smart little fella! I can't even begin to describe how excited/nervous I am to have him home. So far (since he has only been home a few hours) I just sit and stare at him- making sure he is still okay :) I won't be leaving the house (except to see his Dr. tomorrow) So I am just going to soak in EVERY moment with this newborn :)  Kissing his teeny tiny toes, feeling his oh so soft skin, hearing sweet baby noises- I love it ALL!!!!!! I am trying to enjoy every moment of this stage because I know he will be grown so fast! He truly is a blessing and is HEALTHY considering the circumstances. No one could have explained the love you have for your child immediately. Here was my day in pictures :)

Welcome to the world Deklan Jon Tashjian. We love you SO SO MUCH!!!! 

I have many many more pictures I will be adding very soon :)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Crying Over Spilled Milk

I just wanted to post a quick update on Baby Deklan (We did decide finally on the spelling:)! Oh my gosh- I am in pure heaven with this boy. Not kidding. I fall in love more and more every single day. Leaving him at the hospital was so hard. I am officially home now- but living in the niccu. I am trying SO hard to give him the space he needs to sleep and to conserve energy for his feedings but I could seriously stare at him all day long. He got a feeding tube put in yesterday. Unfortunately he wasn't getting his sucking reflexes enough for a feeding. We have been feeding him a mix of formula (with extra calories) mixed with my colostrum. That stuff is like GOLD people!! It is NOT easy to get but get is coming in a little better now.

Who knew people ACTUALLY cried over spilled milk?? I had NO idea till the frustrations of pumping. I pump every three hours got what looked like drops- but I stayed at it and got enough for a full feeding tonight which means it's getting better. In the hospital after spending twenty minutes at the pump trying SO hard for a few teaspoons (literally) it spilled all over the bed when I was putting the lid on. I cried. Now I know the TRUE meaning of crying over spilled milk. All I can say is I seriously think you ladies are SUPER WOMEN for giving birth to 7- 8 pound babies (OUCH) and than taking care of the babies on your own immediately. I do wish I could do this obviously -  but what I am trying to say is this whole mom thing is hard work!

Deklan now weighs exactly 4 pounds- he lost a little which was expected but after tonight I am thinking things might be on the up and up. I called and they said he gained an ounce and he took his whole bottle (instead of in the tube) They said he gave the signals he was hungry so they gave it a shot and he took the whole thing!!!! I am ecstatic! Just praying he can be home with me soon. :) I got to do some skin on skin time with him today ( about 2 hours of pure bliss!!) Cannot wait to cuddle him all day. I know this picture from my phone is sideways and not the best but it shows his little tube and daddy trying to feed him. He is SO tiny and sweet. LOVE this boy!!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

He's Here!!!!

Goodness it has been a crazy hectic few days so I apologize for taking so long to post this! My son is here!!!!! I am sure I will post a long winded birth story- but for now I will just say he made his way here safe and sound. Deklan Jon came yesterday at 5:37 pm weighing in at 4 pounds 3 ounces and is doing So SO good (minus a few eating issues). He will be getting on a tube tomorrow morning to get more nutrients but has overall been SUCH a fighter! I have been trying so hard to just focus on JUST the happy parts but I'm not gonna lie- had a total melt down most of today and my emotions are off the charts right now. I have SO much to be grateful for and he is coming home probably just a few weeks after me. I will be discharged tomorrow and am a hot mess about coming home with no baby- I am even more scared to bring him home!!! Oh my heck- HE IS REAL. I still don't believe it. I still can't grasp he is all mine. I am scared to death. Hence I am typing this right now in 3 in the morning rather than sleeping. I can't sleep. I am a little delirious...but I am so in love with this little boy and will update you guys soon on his progress :) Thank you for the thoughts and prayers!!!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I'm having a baby!!!!

Today has been quite eventful. :) I went in for my normal routine check up- Monday his NST looked perfect and he was measuring right on track. (As far as my my belly measurements) I knew today would be the important one to check his fluids. When I went into the ultrasound the lady said his amniotic fluid was 7.2 ( a whole point more than it was last week) which I thought was fantastic!!! In fact next week is Jonny's family reunion in Vegas and he thought we would be going- I wasn't so sure. My appointment started at 10:30 this morning and I was on the ultrasound machine FOREVER- we couldn't get my little stinker to do more than wiggle a little. It's a timed test and usually his ultrasound he gets a score of 8/8. This one he got a 4/8 which is not so good. They did the NST again FOREVER hoping he would up his game and move for us the way they wanted- his heart rate was a little lower than normal as well. At about 1:30 Dr. Huish came in and said- well you may go to Vegas for your family reunion- but it will be with a baby in your arms!! WHAT?!!! YIKES! I didn't pack a bag or even flippen shower for the day...lovley! 

Baby Declan should be just fine- they just think at this point he will growing better on the outside than the inside. He weighed in at 4 pounds 11 ounces from what his measurements said- which are never totally accurate but we will see. Today was not what was expected...AT ALL. In fact I went home to pack a few things and all I could do was wander aimlessly around my house rather than get anything done I was so overwhelmed. I checked into the hospital around 2:00ish and am just NOW settling into the idea that I will be giving birth in the next few days to my son. I am obviously FORCING my body into labor so it will be a while- not dilated at all in fact. I got started on cervadill about a half hour ago to start labor slowly. They said it takes about 12 hours to kick in- so I am trying to settle into my new room here. After the initial panic faded I am now mostly excited to finally meet my baby boy. I get to see what he looks like- and kiss his teeny tiny cheeks! HOLY CRAP I am coming home with a baby!!!! He is gonna be tiny- but I know he's a fighter :) Send prayers please he is on his way!!!! :)