It's hard. No one really ever told me this. Or maybe it never registered. I am going to be brutally honest here- so if you are struggling with infertility you may not want to read. Just a warning because I honestly HATED reading about complaints when women had a baby!! What more could a person possibly want than a precious child of their own? Trust me I HATE that I feel like this- I am hoping that maybe support from other moms might help on this matter.
Deklan will be a month old this week- the days have all kind of blended together so it feels like it's been days...really LONG days. Deklan is perfect! He is more perfect and sweet and lovable than I ever even expected. So why in the world am I struggling?? My hormones have never served me well- pre pregnancy, during pregnancy, so why would they after pregnancy? My husband said my demeanor has been off. That hurts. I don't want to be sad- and I don't understand why I would be. I am so incredibly blessed right now. I am EXACTLY where I wanted to be for SO SO LONG. I have an amazing husband who has honestly done MORE than his fair share with taking care of the baby- he has been home with me for a MONTH. He takes half of the night shifts even so I can ATTEMPT to get some sleep. I have a healthy, sweet, adorable baby. One that I tried for SO LONG for! I am a stay at home mommy and have a home and everything I could possibly need. My guess for the blues...feeling inadequate. This feeling ALWAYS creeps in. Before it was for not being able to conceive and now- it's not being a good enough mommy. I haven't cooked one meal since I have been home...not lying. I can't keep up with the household chores- hence the need for a house cleaner every 2 weeks, and probably where most of these feelings are coming from...I can't breast feed for the life of me. No super mommy going on over here.
It's the question every person asks the moment they see your new little one...are you breastfeeding? Goodness- it feels about as bad as the "Do you have kids question!" I feel awful to answer no. With Deklan coming so early he was forced onto the bottle for a week in the niccu. They did this to judge how much he was taking in (making sure he got enough calories) For the past month I pump ALL. THE. TIME. It feels like it consumes me. I am pumping constantly. I still try him "on the breast" daily- but he hates it. I feel like I missed something. Maybe that bond between mom and baby that happens the first week of life. The nurses in the niccu took care of him more than I did. I hate that. I will keep trying but goodness- a whole month of pumping and NO REAL breast feeding can ware on you. Then I feel guilty for not eating the right stuff or getting the right amount of sleep. It's overwhelming how much you love your child and want the best for them. When you are not filling all of those responsibilities to the BEST of your abilities- you...or may I rephrase that "I" feel guilty.
As well, I have been a working lady for a long time. I am not used to not getting up, getting dressed, having a social life outside of the house, and getting praised for a job well done. I feel like my husband cares for Deklan better than I do. I thought everything would come so naturally for me and it didn't. With him being so tiny I was afraid to touch him the first few days he was here and than had to learn everything from the nurses in terms of diapers, feedings, baths, and schedules. This is all new to me. It's the biggest change I have had in my life for sure, and it's overwhelming! SO- I am going to try to get myself back into shape and feeling "myself again." I am going to snuggle my baby more than ever- because he does make me feel better, and try to reach out to family and friends ore. Hopefully this will help. Has anyone else dealt with this after infertility, or just in general? Needing some advice- and goodness- I need to get out of the house apparently! Time to get life back in order- as much as I possibly can at least! And please please don't take this post wrong- I am SO incredibly grateful for this experience to be a mom. I really am! Just overwhelmed with the responsibilities that come along with and trying to work through that. Those feeling plus no sleep, and an add in of "first time parent anxiety" is never a good mix either. :)
P.S I just need to add that I would take this struggle over any other- and I KNOW this doesn't compare in any way shape or form to what others deal with. Hence this will be hopefully my only post on this- because I know I need to suck it up and just enjoy this time! Just needing to vent- I want to get it out there and move on so to speak.
Surprise update: Final divorce edition.
6 days ago