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Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Feeling a little Blue

I wrote this a few days ago- I think my emotions probably got the best of me- feeling much better today and realizing how blessed I truly am. I can't let the old infertility feelings creep up right now because I FINALLY have my little blessing on the way- thought I would still share though. I'm sure some of you gals that are NOW pregnant after LOTS of trying can relate. I literally cried a lot yesterday- and even this morning thinking about the hurt- but I am trying hard to let it go.

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I am truly wondering if the pain EVER goes away when you deal with infertility. I know I have said this before- being on the opposite side of the spectrum (the pregnant spectrum) is much harder than I thought. I am so excited to be pregnant- want to share every moment with every person! I also remember ALL the pain that went along with a BFN. I still have lots of readers (if they are STILL even reading at this point) waiting for their BFP still. Waiting for those two beautiful lines that feel so far away. It breaks my heart and I literally ache inside for every one of you. I feel a little on the outside now- like I CAN'T be that person who could always give an infertile girl a pick me up- "Don't worry- I have tried for seven years and cry EVERY TIME I hear an announcement." Or can tell an embarrassing story of MEAN things I have said to nosey people. Or talk about my hate of pregnant women...yes I know I was THAT girl. Read some of my previous posts to prove it. :) I have only been pregnant 4 months- this still feels new to me and I STILL ACHE for each of you! Obviously this is not about me- this is about YOU now- I just WISH and want so badly to be THAT person for you to go to still- that you can know without a doubt that I know that pain all too well. As a friend of mine told me she was struggling I wanted to make it ALL better- and know I can't. I know sometimes you need space, or can't talk about it, and that is OKAY. Part of me wonders if I should stop with the blog- just make my own journal. I guess I am just feeling a bit blue today- I WANT to make things better. I hated hearing YOUR NEXT- because you don't truly believe it in your heart. Just so many feelings- I feel in limbo and helpless- and like a TRAITOR- heading to the dark side- and there is nothing I can do to change it. :( And to be honest I feel a little upset that I all the sudden MUST NOT understand infertility because I'm pregnant- To be fair: Let's review....7 years of infertility- and TRYING pretty much the whole time- gives me a pretty darn good idea of what it feels like. I took HUNDREDS of pregnancy tests with no POSITIVES in site- I went through FOUR treatments of IVF- 7 months of chlomed and other drugs- and years of doing herbs, changing my lifestyle, standing on my head, praying, fasting, and hoping. So in closing to all of this- I feel I deserve to be REALLY happy- and yes I still remember what the pain feels like and ALWAYS will- it stings worse than anything imaginable.

Wow- rereading that I feel a bit harsh- I am hoping some of you can relate- I am just wondering if I will ever be able to help girls going through infertility again- Can I help them hope?? Or is that part of my life all over- just strange how quick things change- and how HARD change is. Even when you are super happy and been praying for so long for it.

2 comments:

  1. Well said Brittany. I know exactly how you feel. Being 4 months along too I still have to learn to control my hatered feeling when another person announces a pregnancy, that came so easy for them. It never fully goes away, and you sometimes feel like a traitor. I don't have an answer but I do feel your pain.

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  2. Just found your blog, and CONGRATS on your pregnancy! I haven't had NEARLY the trouble getting pregnant that you have, but as someone who has now been diagnosed with "unexplained fertility issues" twice, I can vouch that those feelings NEVER go away. You will always wonder how your life would have been different if you had gotten pregnant right away. You will always have anxiety wondering if next time you want a baby, if you will have the same rocky road to pregnancy. The emotions of secondary infertility are no different than the emotions of primary infertility...

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